


Save Something For Me

by chooken



Series: Knee Deep In My Heart [2]
Category: Westlife
Genre: Acceptance, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Bars and Pubs, Birthday Presents, Blow Jobs, Bottoming from the Top, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Busking, Childhood Sweethearts, Christmas, Coming of Age, Consensual Underage Sex, Crying, Depression, Disapproving Family, Drinking, Drinking to Cope, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Flirting, Friendship/Love, Frottage, Grinding, Group Sex, Growing Up, Growing Up Together, Guilt, Holding Hands, Homophobia, Horseback Riding, Horses, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Moving In Together, Multi, Open Relationships, Oral Sex, Orgy, Parent-Child Relationship, Public Blow Jobs, Public Hand Jobs, Rimming, Rough Sex, Self-Acceptance, Self-Medication, Separation Anxiety, Sex Games, Sexuality, Shower Sex, Sleeping Together, Snogging, Studying, Suicidal Thoughts, Suspicions, Teen Angst, Teen Romance, Teenagers, Threesome - M/M/M, Underage Drinking, University, Worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-20
Updated: 2015-06-20
Packaged: 2018-04-05 06:09:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 71,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4168911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chooken/pseuds/chooken
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A prequel to Spaces Between Us.</p>
<p>When Shane shows up on Kian's doorstep, soaking wet and with nowhere else to go, the two of them find themselves growing up far faster than they'd ever expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Kian...”

The boy on his doorstep was soaking wet, hood pulled up over his head and trickling water down his shoulders. For a second he was lit by a sudden flash of lightning, the dark circles under his eyes coming up like death.

“She...” He swallowed, eyes filling with sudden tears. “She kicked me out.”

“Oh god.” Kian breathed. He stepped out, feeling the rain strike him, pulled Shane into a hug anyway, wet hair crushing to his neck while Shane sobbed, the water a torrent on his head. Felt hands grab at his back. “I'm sorry.”

“I...” He sniffed hard, and Kian began to back them towards the front door again. “Sorry.”

“Don't be.” Kian murmured. “Come inside. You'll catch your death.” He tugged a little further, felt the rain on his hair stop, the light of the front hall envelop them. The door was shut a second later, the pounding rain muted behind it. He reached up, pushing the hood back from a pale, miserable face. “How did you get here?”

“Walked. Um.” Shane sucked in a breath, trembling with tears.

“It's pouring!”

“Yeah.” Shane whispered, leaning into his neck again. They were dripping onto the carpet. He'd worry about that later. “It's fine. I'm just... I needed you.”

“I could have come and gotten you.” He wasn't sure why he was even arguing. He couldn't change it now, and it wasn't like it was helping anything. Maybe to assuage the helplessness that had suddenly flooded his chest. To feel proactive about something, like he could fix the crumbling shape of the boy in his arms. “Let's get this off...” He tugged at the front of the jacket. It was at least a little waterproof, but it hadn't helped. It was almost an hour's walk between their houses. He was soaked through.

“Kian, are...” His mother stopped in doorway from the kitchen, stared for a minute at their wet forms. Kian loosened his hold on his boyfriend enough to tug the jacket down his arms, then yanked it off, not sure what to do with it. “You're a bit wet, Shane.” Then must have seen his tears, because her smile trickled from her face like the rain outside. “What's wrong?”

“It... she said...” Shane's voice was heaving and Kian wrapped around him again, ignoring the squelch where they pressed together. “Don't come back. She said...” He sucked in a breath, then sagged, and Kian went with him while he sank crosslegged to the ground, his face buried in his hands.

“Oh, love...” She said, her hand coming up to cover her mouth.

“Sorry, I'm... I'm dripping... I'll...” He sobbed again, covering his eyes. She disappeared, and when she came back it was with towels from the downstairs bathroom. Kian took one gratefully, wrapping it around shaking shoulders. Another one went into Shane's hair and he began to rub. “I'm so sorry.”  
  
“Stop saying that.” Kian scolded, leaning in to kiss his forehead when the water was wiped away. “There's nothing to be sorry for.” He looked up to see his father stick his head into the hall as well. His mother glanced at him.

“I'll go put a hot bath on.” She took his father's hand, and Kian could hear the murmuring of her explanation as they headed out of the room. Kian looked back down at his shivering boyfriend, though whether it was the cold or shock that was shaking him he wasn't sure.

“Come on.” He managed, trying not to cry himself. “Let's get you warmed up.”

 

*

 

The water was hot, but Shane still couldn't stop shivering. Kian was sat next to him, had towelled himself off and tugged on a dry t-shirt and pyjama bottoms while Shane had sunk into the bath. Kian's parents were out there somewhere, his younger brother and sister. Shane had heard them talking while Kian had tugged him up and half-carried him to the bathroom.

“ _No...”  
_ “ _Oh, that poor...”_

“Shane...” He looked up, meeting concerned blue eyes. Tried to smile. Felt it collapse. Fingers stroked through his wet hair, the younger boy leaning in to kiss his cheek. “Talk to me.”

“I... I told her.” Shane whispered, feeling the words clog in his throat. “She...” He shook his head, not able to say it. Not able to think, like the cold of the rain had seeped into his head, into his heart. He felt a hand slide down his cheek, cup it, warm and safe. Turned in to kiss it, unable to do anything else with Kian's fingers on him. “I just wanted... I got sick of lying and... and she was asking me about girls. Why I hadn't...”

How could he explain? The look of shock, the despair, and then the anger, as though it was something personal. Something he was doing to her. The useless fucking look on his father's face, like he'd totally lost the ability to think for himself after all these years. Which was fair enough, he supposed. She always did her thinking for everyone else. It was always 'their' opinion, extending to the rest of the family until it was just generally agreed that that was how it worked. In everything. Going to church. What clubs they were allowed to join. Which friends were and weren't right for them.

Kian had been right out, of course. Not surprising. He had long hair, played in a rock band, got drunk sometimes and swore like a sailor. Got into fights and his parents were only at church for Christmas and Easter, though they'd gotten all their children christened, like they were just playing some sort of lip service. Kian was stupid, and not at all 'their' sort.

And he was the love of Shane's goddamn life.

“She didn't... take it well, then.”

“No.” Shane whispered. Which was an understatement. Liam and Mairead had both been home, but they'd disappeared quickly once the shouting had begun. She'd slapped him. He could still feel it, the print of her disapproval permanently branded on his cheek. He'd tried to say something. Tried to explain that it wasn't sinful. Wasn't like that at all. That Kian was kind, and cared about him, and always looked out for his happiness. That being a boy was secondary to being the person that made Shane feel the way he did. When they were giggling and snogging in the caretaker's shed after school, when they were surreptitiously holding hands at the movies. That when he looked down while he was onstage at one of the school talent shows and saw Kian in the front row, grinning in unbroken pride, that that was better than the applause of the whole audience.

But he couldn't. Couldn't get a word in around the unstoppable force of her rage. Couldn't say that he was scared too, knowing that people wouldn't accept them, necessarily. That it would probably be a difficult life, full of secrets and dodged questions. But that Kian made him brave. That Kian made him feel like the part of him that had been empty and confused was gone, filled with by a gentle touch that stroked the back of his neck soothingly while he cried in the bath.

“I love you.” He whispered. Kian nodded, picking up the shampoo.

“I love you more.” He got up, perched himself on the edge of the bath, and Shane rested his chin on his knees while fingers began to massage through his hair, spreading gel. A bit of foam floated down in front of his nose, and he blew, watched it skitter away and settle down on top of the water.

“What do I do?” He said quietly.

“I don't know.” Kian admitted. “Will she come round?”

“Have you met her?” He snorted, heard a soft, sympathetic laugh. “You didn't... you didn't see her. It was...” He felt a fresh round of tears start to shudder through him.

“Close your eyes.” He did. Felt water spray down on his head a moment later from the detachable shower head, fingers push through his hair to rinse out the suds. He opened his eyes again, watching water cascade over the ledge of his forehead, then stop. “Conditioner?”

“Yes please.” He managed. Fingers back in his hair. He looked up, saw clear blue eyes shining with moisture. “Why are you crying?”

“I'm not. I'm...” Kian swallowed hard, looking away while he wiped the back of a hand across his face. “Sorry. It's my fault.”

“No.” Shane murmured. “I would have been... been gay...” He squeezed his eyes shut. It wasn't something he said out loud often, though he supposed that was something to do with the long-entrenched guilt of living in her house. It was easier to dance around it. Say that Kian was his boyfriend. That he was in love with Kian. The label felt... “I would have been gay...” He made himself say it again. “...no matter if we were together or not. At least...” He glanced up. “At least I have you.”

“You always have me.” Kian picked up the shower head. Shane closed his eyes, felt that hand push the conditioner gently out again. The water turned off. “I wish I could make it better.”

“You do.” Shane looked down at himself, at his hitched up knees, at the way his hands were trembling. A steady hand slipped into his, fingers entwining, and he looked up, managed a smile when a kiss brushed his lips. “Hey.”

“Hi.” The hand in his squeezed tight. “Stay here, okay? We'll figure it out.”

 

*

 

His parents were pretty class about the whole thing. Kian hadn't known what to expect, really. They liked Shane, had been basically supportive when they'd been told. Or when they'd found out. Telling them didn't exactly count when they'd been caught snogging in Kian's bedroom when he'd thought they were at work, and his mother had dropped home in the middle of the day because Colm had needed to be picked up sick from daycare.

She'd looked shocked, but not as shocked as Shane, who had totally freaked out, had run with tears streaming down his cheeks until Kian had caught him halfway to the front gate and pulled him into a hug, felt him break a bit. Then his mother had come out, asked if they wanted to come in for a cup of tea and a sandwich, and they'd sat around the kitchen table, Shane looking very small indeed.

He got it. It had been hard enough doing anything at the beginning, when Shane had been in total denial. Kian hadn't even thought he was gay, and he certainly wasn't out himself. Not in Sligo, where the sheep were probably more open-minded than the people. But they'd been hanging out together, just having a sing-song in Kian's bedroom when Shane was technically supposed to be in an after-school study session, and they'd just started mucking about. Wrestling and hitting each other with pillows, and then Kian had ended up on top of him and Shane had...

He could still taste it. That first kiss. Like Pepsi and Skittles. Shane closing the minute gap between them, and Kian grabbing the back of his head when he went to pull away a moment later. Feeling that mouth open under his and a soft, startled whine vibrate from the back of Shane's throat. Then they'd separated, their stare heavy with questions, and Shane had put a hand over his mouth like he was checking it was still there.

He'd said 'um'. Kian had said it back.

Shane wasn't saying much of anything, now.

“Is he okay?” His mother asked quietly. Shane had finally drifted off, crying himself to sleep and shivering, spooned against Kian's front, and he'd slowly extricated himself, not wanting to let go but needing the bathroom badly.

“I don't know. He's asleep.” He hadn't expected them to be up. Much less sitting in the living room watching late-night TV. Usually he was the last one awake, especially at almost midnight. Colm had settled before Shane had arrived, and Marielle was hitting that age where she was more or less in her bedroom all the time, being way too cool for the rest of them. She'd poked her head out curiously when they were coming out of the bathroom, then gone back to her room, disinterested at her brother and his boyfriend, who were here all the time anyway, probably cramping her style. “He's...” He shook his head. “He's shaken up.”  
  
“Can't blame him.” His father said. “She just kicked him out?”

“Looks that way.” Kian nodded. They were eating a packet of biscuits, and he snagged one. “He didn't say much.” He admitted. Shane hadn't. Had been in his own head, only answering simply when asked straightforward questions. Shane was always in his own head, admittedly, drifting off vaguely in the middle of conversations or losing focus in class. It was usually adorable. Now it was just heartbreaking.

“I should go over there and...”

“Kevin...” His mother scolded. “It's not our business.”

“It's our son.” He said pointedly, glancing up at Kian. “And hers. I can't believe...” He shook his head, looked back at the TV. “Shane's staying here?”

“I... I don't know.”

“Shane's staying here.” He said. His mother made a sound of agreement. “We'll get the spare bed out of Tom's old room. Push them together until we can get you a double.”

“Dad, you don't have to...”

“I do.” He looked up at Kian, who sort of felt like crying again. He couldn't though. It felt wrong, not being the strong one when Shane was all torn up. “You love that lad. We love that lad. Someone's got to step up and take care of him, and if it's us...” He trailed off. Kian lifted a hand, trying to wipe away the tears before they could start. His father stood up, and he let himself sink into a hug, felt his mother stroke his back.

“Thank you.” He whispered. A kiss pressed to his cheek. “I'm sorry. God, it's all my fault...”

“Not your fault.” His mother said quietly. “Let us know if we can do anything, okay? We can go over and get his things if you need, or...”

“I... I'll have to talk to him. I don't know...” He felt himself start to cry, despite his best attempts. Sucked it back. It didn't work. “I didn't mean to mess everyone about. We can sort it. I'll... I'm sorry.” He covered his face with his hands, feeling the stress overflow. Felt them become wet with tears. “I'm sorry.”

“No...” His mother pried him out of his father's embrace, hugged him tight. “It's fine.” A tissue was pressed into his hand. “Here.” He blew his nose, then wiped his eyes when he was handed another one. “Shane doesn't need to see you crying, okay? Not right now.”

“No. I know.” He gulped back his tears. “Thanks.” He looked at both of them, trying to blink away the spill webbing his eyelashes. “Sorry. I better get back to him. If he wakes up and...”

“Of course.” His dad said. “Sleep in tomorrow, alright? I'll call you in sick.”

“It's... It's Leaving Cert in a few weeks. I shouldn't...”

“You'll be fine.” His dad said. “It's just one day. You're a smart kid. And it's sport half the afternoon anyway, right? You won't miss much.”

“I... yeah.” Kian nodded, a little relieved that the decision was being taken out of his hands. “Okay.” He wiped his face again, felt tears streak it. “Okay. Thanks.”

He went back upstairs. Shane was still asleep, hands fisted to his chest, blanket tangled around his legs. Kian slid back in behind him, hearing a troubled sigh when he draped an arm over and forced his fingers into a grasping, tense hand. Kissed the back of his neck.

“I love you.” He whispered.

 

*

 

When Shane woke he was all squashed up, and for a second he panicked, not sure why he felt hot and suffocated. Then he looked up and realised his head was buried in Kian's chest with strong arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders, instead of in the cold room at the back of the house by himself like he usually was.

He thought about moving. Needed to pee, but it felt easier to stay here a little longer, imagine that things were normal. That this was that thing they'd talked about a hundred times. Moving in together, having a bed to share. Not a single in Kian's bedroom, a big double bed in their own flat. Their own jobs. Their own life. It had felt almost silly, talking about that so early on, when he'd been finishing up school himself and sort of wondering if he should be nervous, going off to college with his boyfriend still in secondary. Whether it was doomed to be one of those cliché high-school sweetheart breakups.

But it hadn't been. Not for a second. He was still close to home, the college really only ten minutes further than the school was, and he and Kian hadn't been in classes together anyway. If anything it was better, that they had to make the effort. Dropping by some afternoons and walking Kian the rest of the way home, popping by in the mornings before he went to school. Planning out things to do on Saturdays, and making sure they were both involved in any musicals and shows going as an extra excuse, so his mam wouldn't find it weird that Shane was staying over from time to time. They were just rehearsing, or whatever.

And then on Sundays, going to church and sitting there while his mother clutched her hands rapturously to her chest and the reverend droned on about all the things that were wrong with him.

“Good morning.” Lips brushed his forehead, arms holding him a little tighter. “How long have you been awake?”

“Only a minute.” Shane replied. He swallowed, feeling suddenly like he was about to cry again, hearing that fond voice. “I sort of need to pee.” He admitted. Kian snorted, then kissed his hair again.

“Don't let me stop you.” His arms loosened. Shane shook his head, nuzzling deeper into a strong chest.

“No. In a minute. Just...” They tightened again. Shane looked up, Kian's chin above him. Kissed it. Heard a soft chuckle. “It's morning. You need to go to school.”

“Calling in sick.” Kian said promptly. Shane had never felt more grateful for anything in his life. Or more guilty.

“You don't...”

“I do have to.” Kian interrupted. “I'm having a bit of a stomach upset and need to stay here. Possibly in bed.”

“Possibly.” Shane echoed, smiling despite himself. “Won't your parents...”

“Dad's idea, actually.” Kian kissed his forehead again, tugging him up slightly. A second later they were face to face, breath brushing his mouth. “He said he'd call in for me.”

“Oh.” He bit his lip, trying to hold back the sudden surge of emotion. Of course. Kian's parents, who were so kind to him, made him call them by the first names, and always asked how he was. Who drove them places on weekends, sometimes. Invited him to extended family things that he always had to decline in case someone asked questions, and they'd nod like they understood and tell him to pop by for dinner anyway, if he was free.

And then his mother, who'd said that that Egan lad was a bad influence, and wasn't their sort at all.

He wasn't their sort. Their sort was prim and prudish and judgemental, preaching about love and forgiveness and providing neither without first asking a thousand requirements and restitutions. That wasn't Kian.

Because Kian was a loud-mouthed idiot.

Because Kian loved with his whole heart.

Loved him.

And apparently wasn't good enough.

 

*

 

The morning went slowly. They both had showers, separately, though Shane sat on the bathroom sink until he was done, quiet and fragile. Kian nudged him in afterwards and took his place, sure that Shane had shrunk since the last time they'd seen each other, two days before when they'd taken advantage of the Saturday off and gotten the bus out to Strandhill, eaten fish and chips and mucked around in the surf on a rare warm day, their jeans rolled up to their knees and Shane tackling him into the sand.

Now he looked like he couldn't tackle anyone. He looked insubstantial, like a sketch drawn on a piece of paper. Kian was half-sure if he turned sideways he'd just disappear.

“I love you.” He said softly. Shane looked over. He was naked, they both were, but Kian didn't have the energy to think anything of it. It was just Shane, with tired eyes and hunched shoulders, water streaming out of his hair like it had last night when he was stood on the front step. Kian swallowed, pushing that image away.

“I love you, too.” Shane pushed wet hair out of his face, raking it back. Kian managed a smile. “I shouldn't have told her.” He said finally. “Stupid fucking thing to do.”

“No...” Kian shook his head. “You did what you thought was right. You didn't know...”

“I should have.” He bit his lip, then sunk back under the water. “What did I think she was going to do? Bake me a rainbow cake and ask when we were getting married?” The water turned off a second later, and Kian stood, holding out a towel. He wrapped it tight around the older boy, holding him in with both arms. A head fell on his shoulder. Kian kissed his ear.

“I could bake you a cake.”

“You can't make toast.” Shane argued. Kian snorted, feeling lips touch his neck.

“I could buy you a cake.”

“You don't have any money.” Shane laughed. It was true. He'd saved up the last of his cash to afford a new electric guitar, almost new at seven hundred pounds. His parents had chipped in the last two hundred for his birthday, and it was his pride and joy, a 1996 glacier blue Gibson Nighthawk that had somehow ended up in the local pawn-shop.

He was pretty sure there were still stains on the glass in there from pressing his face against the window every day for months, just hoping nobody else would take it. He'd taken every job he could, mowing lawns, cleaning gutters, digging trenches on his neighbours' farms to get a few bob together. There'd even been a weird six weeks where he'd taken a job as a kissogram, which he hadn't minded at all and had served to get two hundred in his pocket. Shane had laughed himself stupid when he'd seen the 'uniform', which mostly consisted of a dickie bowtie and see-through trousers, then had gone down on him before his first shift while Kian tangled one hand in his hair and braced the other against the bedroom wall to stop himself falling over in surprise.

“I've got you.” He said into floppy brown hair that was still dripping with water. Hands clenched on his back, Shane's face tilting up for a chaste kiss.

“You do. You're...” His eyes closed then, bottom lip trembling, then he bit it and reopened his eyes. “Okay. Right.” Let out a breath. “Okay.”

“Okay.” Kian replied, tugging him close.

 


	2. Chapter 2

“What steps did Irish governments take to consolidate democracy between 1923 and 1945?”

“Oh god, I don't _care_.” Kian groaned, planting his face into the pillow. “Why the fuck did I take History?”

“Because you didn't want to do Chemistry.” Shane reasoned. He reached out, putting his hand on the sliver revealed between a baggy t-shirt and a pair of shorts. Stroked his thumb over soft skin, laughing when he felt Kian huff in frustration. “Too late now. The exam's in three days.”

“I know.” Kian grumbled, folding his arms over the pillow and resting his head, looking sideways. Shane was cross-legged next to him while he laid on his front, going over practice exams. Kian's bed, or more specifically, Kian and Shane's bed, by way of Tom. The two singles didn't quite match. They weren't quite the same height, but they'd switched the mattresses so the thicker one was on the lower bed, and that sort of evened things out. Not that it mattered. More often then not they'd end up curled in the same space, one wrapped around the other, heads on the same pillow.

It had been an odd two weeks. Kian had gone back to school, Shane had gone back to class, and just like that things settled. Kevin and Kian moved the bed, and Patricia set an extra place at the table that night. Shane had sat down, staring at his meat and veg, and had tried not to burst into tears when Marielle asked him to pass the salt, as though he was just supposed to be there.

He hadn't heard anything. Not from his mother. Liam had called to ask after him, but the call had been cut short when he thought she might have heard, and otherwise that was it. He had a feeling his older siblings didn't even know. They were all moved out of the house, and he suspected she was probably enforcing silence on the matter. Was probably ignoring it, the way she always did when something was beneath her or too challenging to contemplate. It was Sunday now, so she was probably at church.

It felt weird, not being at church on a Sunday. Last week had been odder – the first time he'd not attended in almost eighteen years, unless he was sick to the point of not being able to leave the house.

“Answer the question. Need three points.”  
  
“Ehm...” Kian sighed, and a hand drifted out to sit on his knee, stroking gently. Shane rested the book on his lap to free up his other hand, and closed it over the fingers on his knee, other one still touching Kian's back. “S'nice.” He sighed, his eyes falling closed.

“Kian...”

“Mmm... sorry, what was the question?”

“Steps by the governments to consolidate democracy.”

“Right... um...” He yawned, looking sleepy and cute in the morning sun. “Decommissioning the army, setting up the garda, and... and...” He looked up at Shane. “Hint?”

“No.” Shane shook his head. “I won't be there on the day.”  
  
“Why not? You could hide under my desk.” Kian gave him a cheeky grin. “Though that wouldn't help me on the test.”

“Stop getting distracted.”

“Fine.” Kian sighed. “Erm...” His eyebrows knitted in while he thought. “And the Anglo-Irish agreement.”

“Yep.” Shane turned a few pages. “Want to do another Music one?”

“Not really.” Kian rolled onto his back, dislodging Shane's hand. A cheeky grin shone up at him. “When was the last time we had sex?”

Shane laughed, shaking his head. They hadn't really. Not that they'd been shagging like mad before, not with them both living at home and trying to keep the relationship under wraps. They both had their own commitments, Shane with his accountancy course, and Kian with school, though they had made time for the occasional fumble, a bit of a shag when they had long enough. Shane loved fucking Kian, feeling him open and whimpering, arms wrapped around him and pulling him deeper. Loved being taken as well, kisses on the back of his neck and hands covering his while they rocked hard on the bed. He'd thought at first that it might hurt, might be a bit gross, but it wasn't. It was just Kian, whispering softly in his ear and making him feel totally wanted.

“Exams.”

“If you take the A and the M out of 'exams', and rearrange the letters, you get 'sex'.” Kian reasoned smugly. Shane snorted, leaning down to drop a kiss on his lips. “Everybody's out of the house.”

“Not now.” Shane shrugged. He hadn't been in the mood, really. Had felt tired and empty, and not up to much but the constant cuddling. He felt awful about it, but it all felt too hard. Kian sat up, leaning against him.

“Everything okay?”

“That's a big question.” Shane replied, looking away. A kiss touched his cheek.

“It's fine.” A chin rested on his shoulder, and when he turned back he was getting the puppy-dog eyes. Found himself laughing, despite the heaviness in his stomach. “Want to talk about it?”

“No.” Shane bit his lip. “Not really. Just want to pretend...” He shook his head. “It's fine. Don't worry.”

“Okay.” Kian kissed his cheek again. “You want anything?”

“No.” He repeated. Swallowed back grateful tears, felt a hand slide into his. “It's not that I don't want you, I'm just... I'm not in a good place, and...”

“It's really fine.” The book in his lap was picked up and tossed away. A second later Kian was pulling his legs straight, straddling them. Shane looked up, bemused, felt arms wrap around him. He bent his knees up, feeling them press to a firm bum and leaning his head in a strong chest. Breathed in Kian's scent, trying to focus. “I want to help.”

“I know. I appreciate it.” Shane sighed. He didn't know how to say what he was feeling. That going through town to classes was the hardest part of his day, having to go past the Carlton. Or even worse, having to avoid it, knowing he was walking further out to get a bus that didn't go that way just so he didn't have to look at his own home. It was too big to fix, too much to make sense of.

Kevin had driven over and picked up his things. Shane had sat in the car outside with Kian, watched him go in with a few empty cardboard boxes and garbage bags and come out with them full. It hadn't seemed enough, somehow, like his whole life could be condensed into three boxes and a couple of plastic bags of clothes. Everything before Kian, anyway. His mother hadn't been home, but his father had let Kian's dad in. Shane had seen a quick glimpse of him in the doorway before it had closed.

Then Kian had pulled down half his posters, condensing and overlapping the ones left until there had been room, grabbed the box with the ones from Shane's walls, the double-sided tape still on the back of half of them, and had filled the empty space. Backstreet Boys and Michael Jackson clashing with Metallica and Bon Jovi. Shane hadn't asked, had just been sorting though his shirts when Kian had started yanking down old Pearl Jam posters like they didn't matter, carefully unfolded a Smash Hits one with Boyzone on it, all cheesy in pastel sweaters, and had tacked it up next to a fierce black and red banner of Nirvana.

And Shane had gone and sat in the upstairs bathroom, surrounded by unfamiliar towels and toiletries that were the wrong scent, and cried for half an hour.

 

*

 

“Good luck.”

Kian nodded, hefting his bag on his shoulder. They were stood a reasonable distance apart, just two friends having a conversation before Kian went in for his last exam. He thought he'd done alright so far, had muddled his way through History and Maths, was fairly confident on Music and Art, and only had to get through English and Irish this afternoon. His mother had hugged him on the way out that morning, wished him her best, but it hadn't seemed real then. It did now, with his boyfriend standing opposite him.

“I'll be fine.”

“You'll be fine.” Shane agreed. “You're good at English. You can speak passable Irish.”

“I hope it's passable.” He breathed out slowly. “Okay.” He looked down at his watch. “Five minutes.”

“Loads of time.” Shane agreed. “Your mam said she'd make a special dinner tonight, if it helps?”

“She should probably wait until the results come in.” He glanced over at the building. There were loads of people milling outside, getting ready to go in. “I just... I just have to do well enough, right?”

“You'll do better than that.” Shane nodded. A hand landed on his shoulder. Squeezed. Casual. Kian wanted to lean in all of a sudden, kiss him hard and try to somehow inhale the way Shane thought of him, take it in and use it to not fail miserably. Instead he nodded, leaning in for a quick, friendly hug. “Love you. Go be amazing.”

“Love you too.” He pulled away, feet like lead when he began to walk. He glanced back over his shoulder, saw Shane lean against a tree and keep watching. He was still there when Kian made it to the auditorium, turned around to look. A hand lifted in a wave, and he returned it. Saw a small, thoughtful smile and smiled back, steeling himself.

Right.

 

*

 

When he got home, Shane wasn't there. He wasn't all that surprised. He'd had classes that day, and often had to stay late to use the library or go to study groups. Still, Shane had said he'd be in for dinner and Kian had sort of hoped he'd be there waiting for him, on his very last day. There to ask how it had been and reassure him that any inadequacies he suspected of himself were completely unfounded.

The last couple of weeks had been... he hesitated to say 'nice', because that was totally diminishing of what was happening with Shane, but they had been eye-opening. He'd be lying if he hadn't wondered what it would be like, living with Shane, if the friendship and lust would have been too much if they were together all the time. It was fine, though. Waking up with his head on Shane's chest, seeing him every morning at breakfast. His parents were there, which of course took away from it a little, but it was far more comfortable than he'd expected. They weren't sick of each other. If anything, Kian was even more excited to see him every night, to getting in and finding Shane sat on the couch watching telly, or studying at the desk in their room. Just there, like he belonged.

He just sort of hoped Shane felt the same way.

He didn't know what to do. Shane had been so quiet, so... miserable. Looked like this tiny, lonely thing all the time. He'd have moments, of course, his face lighting up when Kian would walk into the room, his mouth opening in a laugh when they were mucking about, ribbing each other and playing basketball at the hoop out back, but his happiness was like the crests of slowly swelling waves, dipping into troughs where Kian would find Shane sat in the bathroom, not sure how long he'd been there, just staring at his feet, head in his hands. Catch him sitting at the table in the back garden, looking off into the distance like he was searching for something. And Kian would try. Would wrap around him and kiss his cheek, and hope he was enough, feeling like the worst consolation prize in the world.

“How'd it go?”

“Good.” He sank down at the kitchen table, smiling and reaching out for a biscuit from the packet his mother offered. “I think so, anyway.”

“Good.” She nodded. “Shane said he'll be back for dinner. Had a study group to go to.”

“Cool.” He looked down at the table, trying not to give away the fact that that was all he'd been thinking of from the moment he'd gotten back in the house. She seemed to know, anyway, chuckling, and rolling her eyes when he looked up.

“Not that you were wondering.”

“No.” He grinned, reaching for another biscuit. “Sorry, just worry about him.”

“He worries about you, too.” She smiled. “Kept asking me all afternoon whether he should go get anything, if there was anything I thought you'd want for tonight. If he could pitch in on dinner.”

“I hope you said no.”

“Of course. I'm not letting either of you near our kitchen. Though I expect he can deep fry a bag of chips like nobody's business.”

“Liked waiting tables better, I think.” Kian said. “Got to have a chat with everyone and pretend to work. Nick a couple of p from the till when he got the chance.” She laughed at that. He frowned, looking down at the half-eaten biscuit in his hand. “I'm... I'm sorry to have put you out.”

“Definitely not. He's always welcome.” She leaned over and tousled his hair, something he didn't think she'd done since he was twelve. He looked up in surprise, meeting her eyes. She smiled at him. “He's a lovely lad. I'm really pleased for you.”

“I... I just want him to be okay.” He admitted, putting the rest of the biscuit down. He couldn't eat it, not with a lump building in his throat. “He won't talk about it, just keeps saying he doesn't want to, or that it's too hard to explain. I can't...” He rested his chin in his hands, feeling heavy. “I don't know what to say to make it better.”

“He's upset.” A hand fell to his shoulder. “I don't know his mother all that well, but from what I've seen and heard... I doubt he's had much experience at being honest about his feelings. He seems to want to do that with you, though. It's a good start.”

“I guess.” He nodded. “What do I do? I can't not mention it all the time and seem like I don't care, but I feel like when I do I'm just rubbing it in.”

“Just be there for him.” She suggested. “And then when he's ready...”  
  
“Yeah.” Kian nodded. “It's okay that he stays here?”

“Course.” She nodded. “If it was Gavin's girlfriend, or Fenella's boyfriend, they'd be welcome. Shane's no different. And he's very helpful. Keeps doing the dishes and trying to help with the housework.”  
  
“He's a clean freak.” Kian snorted. “He keeps making my bed. And I'm like, what do you want to do that for? We're just going to get back in it tonight.”

“Madness.” She agreed, her voice sarcastic. He laughed, shaking his head. “He's here as long as he wants, love. Of course he is. Now...” She stood, snagging a biscuit on the way. “You've got an end-of-exams dinner coming, so tell me what you want.”

“I don't mind.” He said quietly, looking back at the table. She leaned over and hugged him from behind, the squeeze managing to push a smile out. “But thanks.”

 

*

 

Shane hadn't meant to get drunk. He wasn't even supposed to, technically, with his eighteenth still a month away, but he'd gone to Aiden's house to study, fully intending to be back home by three to see Kian. Then a few of the lad's mates had come over, there'd been a bottle of Jack, and he'd thought just one for the road seemed fair enough.

It had gone down hot and hard, and once he'd finished pulling a face from the flavour, he found himself a little more relaxed, a little more numb. The numbness was the best part. He had another, sitting down in the corner by himself and settling there while the bottle was passed around. And around again. By the time he was handed a beer and a shot of Jager, he was just tipsy enough to think it was a good idea.

By the time it was six o'clock, he was completely unaware that it was six o'clock.

This... was easier.

“How you doing?”

“Grand. Yeah.” He looked up. Aiden was a nice lad, a bit spotty and skinny, but they got on alright. He'd been sat on a folding chair on the garden for a bit while a guitar was passed around. Somewhere in the back of his mind he appreciated that it was starting to get dark, but there was music, and someone had just handed him another beer. “I should probably get going, though.”

“You got something on?”

“Yeah, my...” He swallowed, trying to think around the sentence. “My friend's done his last leaving exam today. Having a dinner.”

“Oh god, I don't miss that.” The boy pulled a face. Shane laughed, shaking his head. He didn't either. The endless, pointless studying. Going over it with Kian had been excruciating, knowing in the back of his mind how little of this was ever going to be relevant. He wanted Kian to succeed, though. He wanted Kian to have everything.

“No. I was helping him study. I think I'd forgotten half of what they tested me on.”

“You do alright?”

“I did alright.” Shane nodded. It had been hard. He wasn't the most academic of people, got distracted too easily. In a strange way accountancy worked for him, like solving the problems and getting the numbers to come out right made him focus harder, made him want that little rush of beating them, somehow. He took another swallow of his beer, feeling his head spin.

“Hey, you want to go hear that tape before you go?”  
  
“Sure.” Shane nodded. He couldn't remember exactly what it was, but knew he'd been excited about it at the time. He heaved himself out of the chair, trying to follow on unsteady legs. They crossed the living room and he looked down in concentration as they began to climb the stairs. There were more people here than he'd realised, the kitchen and living room already packed. “Wow, this place is starting to fill up.”

“Yeah, you know how it is. Two mates come over. They call two more mates.” Aiden shook his head. “We had the garda called once for the noise.”

“You have many parties?”  
  
“Sometimes.” He ran a hand through short brown hair, pushed the door open a little. Shane stepped through, taking in a bedroom spotted with posters and bookshelves. He looked up, pointing in delight.

“Boyzone!”

“Yeah. You like them?”  
  
“Yeah.” Shane stepped closer. “I have this one. Smash Hits.”

“That's it.” Aiden laughed. “God, everyone always ribs me about it.” He reached over, rummaging through a low shelf near the bed, then came back with a cassette. “Right... so, not technically supposed to have this, so shhh...”

Bootleg. Right. Shane remembered now. A Robbie Williams concert that had been done for competition winners a few months ago, previewing a few new songs. He sat down on the bed, leaning in to listen while the play button was pushed.

“This is quite good!” He said after the first chorus. It was upbeat and poppy, lots of fun. “That's brilliant.”

“I'll make you a copy, if you like.” Aiden offered. Shane nodded. There were soft cheers as the song reached it's climax, blurry and crackly in the background of what was probably a handheld tape-recorder. Aiden leaned back on the bed, and Shane grinned, blinking to try to clear his head.

“That'd be grand. Thanks.” He pursed his lips, leaning forward a little more.

Then felt a hand skim up his back.

“Um.” He blinked again, not sure if he'd felt that or not, or if it was just the drink talking. It drifted away. A second later it was back. A hand, closing on his shoulder. He looked over, surprised. “What's up?”

“Nothing. Just a bit drunk, thought I'd steady meself.” The hand didn't let go. Shane bit his lip, not sure what to feel. Kian would hate this CD, he thought. Complain that there wasn't enough electric guitar in it.

Kian.

It had been hard to look at him that morning. Just pure potential, crackling like a livewire while he'd hugged him at the school gate. While Patricia had wished him luck on the way out the door, right after asking Shane if she could get him anything while she did groceries. He felt awful, felt small and not enough, like he was this leech, sucking off their hospitality. All because he was what he was. Sometimes at night he'd lie awake with Kian spooned to his back and think of picking up all his things and running. Going somewhere where he wouldn't be Kian's problem. Wouldn't be getting in his way or holding him back. Poisoning him. Letting him down.

And then Kian would move slightly, hold him tighter in his sleep, press lips to his shoulder and not let him go. And Shane would feel even worse for staying.

“I should go.” He said quietly. He wasn't sure what time it was, but it had to be getting on. He needed to go. Needed to run back to Kian and say he was sorry. For everything. Needed to run the other direction and not stop.

“Stay.” The hand was still on him, but the the other joined it, closing on his other shoulder. Kneaded. Shane looked up in surprise, into slightly muddled green eyes that leaned in closer. “I'll get you another drink.”

“Uh...” Breath touched his lips. A hand ran down his back again. Shane shivered, trying to blink away the alcohol. Too much. He was sure what amount, but it was definitely too much. He felt a little sick. Licked his lips to wet them, and felt a mouth touch to them a moment later.

He sagged, surprised into returning it. It wasn't like kissing Kian. Was slower and gentler. Kian kissed in a way that was consuming and raw, even when it was slow and tender. This was more like a touch, though a tongue swept over his top lip a moment later and he found himself moaning, hands coming up to rest on slender shoulders, not at all the broad muscle of his boyfriend.

“Mmm...” Aiden said quietly, when he pulled away. Shane blinked, licking his lips again. He swallowed, feeling traitorously hard despite the numb confusion weighting him down. “Get you another drink?”

“I...” Shane backed away, sliding over on the mattress. “I need to go.”

“What's wrong? I thought...”

“No. Uh...” He stood, felt his legs wobble, the room spin. “No. Sorry. I can't...” He began to back towards the door, tripping slightly on his own feet. The boy on the bed looked disappointed. Shane wiped his mouth with one hand, the other finding the doorknob. “It's locked.” He said, feeling panic swirl in amongst the beer and Jack.

“Oh. Sorry. Yeah. It does that.” Aiden stood, walking over to stand alongside him. “You sure?”

“Yes please.” Shane said quietly, stepping away. “I have... somewhere else to be.”

“Okay.” He closed his fingers on the knob, tugged slightly, then turned. A second later it was open. Shane was through it a second after that.

 

*

 

It was past nine, and Kian was sat at the kitchen table, trying not to burst into tears. The food was cold in front of him. Colm and Marielle had eaten already and she was out watching television. His mam had gone to sort out laundry for the next day now that Colm was settled in bed. His dad sat across from him, picking at a few green beans.

“Where is he?” Kian whispered, staring down at his plate. He hadn't touched the meal. Couldn't, not with the rising panic in his stomach. It had been served at seven. Shane had been a bit late, so they'd waited. And waited. By eight, Kian had been chewing his fingernails. By eight-thirty he was trying not to cry.

“I don't know.” His father admitted. “Maybe he got caught up?”

“He wouldn't. He knew...” Kian swallowed back the threatening tears. “He... he said he'd be back for dinner. He was supposed to have a study group and then...”  
  
“Do you know where?” Kian shook his head. No. Just a study group. It could be anywhere. The college, a coffee-shop, somebody's house. He didn't even really know Shane's uni friends, except for the couple of times they'd been mentioned. He'd never met them, wouldn't know their surnames to look them up in the phonebook. “Okay.” His dad looked at his watch. “Ten more minutes, and then we'll go for a drive, have a look around. Do you know where he might have gone?”

“No. I mean... he wouldn't go home, would he? I don't think...” Kian sucked in a deep breath, trying to calm himself. It didn't help. “He's been really quiet. You don't think...”  
  
“I think he's probably fine.” But his father's face said something else. Kian looked away, not wanting to see it. “He's a smart lad, he's probably just gotten caught up somewhere.”

“Yeah.” Kian nodded, hoping it was true. A hand closed over his, and he looked up. “Is it ten minutes yet?”

“Not at all.” His dad stood. “Get your jacket.”

 

*

 

It was almost midnight. Shane wasn't sure how he knew. Something to do with the rhythm of the horses, the sleepy way they were stood in their stalls. They were too familiar, like a clock and a teddy bear and a best friend all in one, their soft snorts and the occasional shift of a hoof more familiar then anything, even Kian. The hay was soft in the corner. Freshly raked and comfortable. Shane had thought about sleeping, but didn't want to accidentally wake up in the morning with his mother standing over him.

He took another swig of the bottle he'd grabbed on the way out. It was going down easier now, though it was hitting the bottom with a sickly roll that reminded him he hadn't eaten since lunch, not unless you counted a handful of crisps on the way through to the backyard of Aiden's house.

He'd left the party, got in a cab. The driver had asked the address, and for some reason he'd said this one. Hadn't meant to, but it was the one he always said. He hadn't even realised what he'd done until he was pulling up and wondering why he wasn't at Kian's house. Hadn't thought to redirect the driver until the car was down the block, the tail-lights disappearing into the darkness.

He'd thought about knocking. Known that wasn't a good idea. The lights inside were still on, and he could see shapes moving against the curtains, smell dinner. So he'd gone around the side instead, feeling like the orphan in a Charles Dickens novel, lurking around outside and hoping for a scrap of food or love.

So he'd come out the back. Patted each of the horses in turn, the bottle dangling from his other hand. Scooped up some feed and let Carlton Flight nibble it from his hand while he tried not to burst into tears.

He didn't know what to do. Not with the sting of a kiss on his lips, the shake of the booze in his head. Felt like running, but couldn't make the energy. Felt like falling against Kian, but couldn't fathom explaining what he'd done. Seeing that hurt, that shock, and knowing he'd thrown that away too. His old family and now his new family, gone up in a blaze because some lad had a bootleg Robbie Williams concert.

“Shane?”

He looked up, startled.

“Dad, I found him.” Kian hissed into the darkness. Shane covered his face, not wanting to see him, not wanting to be seen. A sob broke free, and then another. A hand fell to his shoulder, but he couldn't look up, not with the bottle still clenched in his hand.

“I'm sorry.” He breathed, feeling a fresh wave of tears tumble down his cheeks. Arms gathered him up.

“Let go, Shay.” Kian said softly, tugging at the bottle, and Shane did, his fingers prying themselves loose. Then his arm was free to wrap around Kian's shoulders, clinging to him and feeling sick, guilty for holding this boy close, tainting him. “It's okay.”  
  
“It's not.” Shane sobbed. “I'm so sorry.”

“No...” Kian breathed, though his voice sounded damp as well. “I couldn't find you.”

“I didn't mean...” He wiped his face on Kian's neck. “I'm sorry. I didn't want to ruin...” He sniffed back, feeling ill. “I...” He gulped, then felt another wave of sorrow overtake him. Kian tugged him in, sinking down into the hay.

“What happened?”

“Nothing. Nothing happened. I don't...” He tried to turn away, not wanting Kian to see, but strong arms held tight. “I love you. I should have gone. I can't...”

“Where were you going to go?”

“I don't know.” Shane cried, pulling away and covering his face. “I just wanted... I ruin everything. For my family and... I couldn't even...” He tried to breathe, knew he was starting to panic but couldn't help it. His heart was beating too fast, breath harder to come by in a chest that pinched.

“Shane. Shane, look at me.”

“No.” He mumbled, turning away. Fingers grabbed his chin, turning him to face Kian. To face his boyfriend. His... “I... he kissed me. I didn't want him to.”

“Who did?” Kian's face was confused. Shane shook his head, not wanting to see the confusion get replaced with anger.

“The... the lad at... he had a cassette I wanted to... and then he kissed me and...”

“Did you...” Kian swallowed hard, fingers running up through his hair. Shane didn't know whether to turn in or turn away. “Did you kiss him back?”

“I was drunk and... just for a second. I thought.... and the... then I thought of you and... and I left and... I didn't want to come back, not after... I didn't know. I didn't know he was going to...” He needed another drink, all of a sudden. The fingers on his chin tightened. “I'm sorry...”  
  
“Shay.” Kian's face was very close. Shane froze, swallowed. Stared back. Blue eyes met his. “Stop, okay? It's alright.”

“It's not. It's...”

“It is.” Kian said quietly. “You're drunk and you need to come home. We can talk about it tomorrow.”

“No, I...”

“You gonna stay here all night?” Kian glanced around. Shane remembered, suddenly, that Kian was scared of horses. Had always hated them. He looked back at Shane, his eyes steady. Shane couldn't tell if he was angry or not. “Come home. We can talk in the morning.”

 


	3. Chapter 3

“Jesus, Shay, how much did you drink?”

Shane shook his head, heaving over the toilet again. Kian reached out to put a hand on his back.

They'd been sat here a long time, since Kian had woken up and found him missing, had panicked, thinking Shane had run again. Then gone to investigate and found him slumped down next to the toilet looking pale and miserable.

The whole room smelled of puke. It had been almost two hours. His mother had popped her head in to check on them, looking concerned, and brought up an empty glass for Kian to fill from the sink. He'd been doing that, refilling it whenever the heaving stopped and making Shane at least take a few sips to put something in his stomach. His father had just gotten up too. Both of them looked tired, which was fair since none of them had gone to bed until after one in the morning.

They'd practically had to carry Shane to the car. He reeked of booze, couldn't walk under his own steam. He didn't think any of the Filans had heard. It had already been dark in the house by the time they'd pulled up in the car, not wanting to be here but with nowhere else to search. They'd gone everywhere. Driving slowly through town, criss-crossing the streets and stopping anywhere they thought Shane might have been. Checked behind the Record Room, driven through the university grounds, gone wandering around the school. Shane wasn't legal, but his dad had popped into a few of the pubs anyway, just in case.

So there'd really only been once place left.

The sight of Shane slumped in the hay with a bottle of bourbon and tears streaming down his face was stitched onto the back of his eyes. When a red, despairing face had looked up and then been hidden, while Shane had tried to pull away, tried to apologise for something Kian didn't know if he should be sorry for.

“Never drinking again.” Shane mumbled. Kian laughed, rolling his eyes.

“Course you are.” He argued. “Your birthday's in a few weeks. Don't tell me you won't be going to the pub?”

“I... I dunno.” He wiped his mouth, then slumped against the seat, looking exhausted. “Finbarr said he'd take me to Fureys for my first proper drink.”

“Oh.” Kian bit his lip. “Well, what about your uni friends? Or dad can pick up a bottle of something and we can hang out here?”

“Not... not uni friends.” Shane shook his head. “No.” He leaned forward again. “Can I have another glass of water, please?”

“Course.” Kian smiled, getting up to refill the glass. He sank back down, cross-legged, propping his back against the wall and regarding the older boy. “Is one of your uni friends the lad who kissed you?”

Shane froze, the glass halfway to his lips. Then, slowly, he took a sip. Nodded, as he pulled the glass away.

“Yeah.” He said quietly.

“Good looking lad?”

“No.” Shane wiped his mouth again, took another sip. “I mean, fine, or whatever, but not...” He swallowed hard. “I'm so sorry. I didn't... I was drunk and confused and...”

“It's fine.” Kian replied, not sure why it was. Maybe because he could see the misery in Shane's face, the fact that he'd obviously got nothing out of it, wasn't trying to hide it. And Shane had enough bloody guilt as it was. Kian wasn't about to make any more. “Suppose I'm a bit proud of you.” He smiled, trying to make light. “I've never kissed another boy. You're now officially twice as experienced as me.”

“I was happier not having kissed another boy.” Shane said quietly. “All I could think of was you.”  
  
“Good.” Kian nodded. He reached out to brush a tear off Shane's face with his thumb. “It's fine, love.”

“You don't have to forgive me.”

“Nothing to forgive.” He said honestly. It hurt, the thought of Shane snogging someone else without him knowing, but he wasn't angry, didn't feel like accusing anyone of anything. It felt too much like starting a fight without purpose, and neither of them needed that right now. “I think you've punished yourself enough, to be honest.” He nodded at Shane's pallid face, trembling hands. Got a small, rueful smile. “Still totally gorgeous, even if you are all sweaty and disgusting.”  
  
“Thanks.” Shane sighed. He emptied the last of his glass, handed it back. “Think I'm okay to get up, now.”

“Okay.” Kian nodded. “You want to go back to bed? You look exhausted.”

“Yes please.” Kian helped him to his feet, steadied him when he stumbled a little. He settled his hands on a slim waist, leaning in to kiss Shane's cheek. “Sorry.” Shane murmured.

“No.” Kian said. “Don't be.”

 

*

 

There was a bucket next to the bed. Shane woke with vomit already halfway up his throat, and managed to get over it in time, unable to believe there was anything left. The blanket was tangled around him, and he felt too hot. Started shivering when he kicked it off, so compromised on wrapping it around his shoulders, his legs stuck out the bottom.

He was alone, on the edge of the bed, and was sort of glad. He didn't think he could cope, not with the idea of having Kian there, wrapped around him, so protective and sweet after Shane had let him down so badly.

He could hear people moving around downstairs. Wondered what they thought. Whether they'd all sat at the dinner table waiting for him, or if they'd started eating, sure that he wasn't going to bloody show up. Angry and let down. Kevin hadn't said anything on the ride home. Shane had sat in the backseat with Kian, pulled to the blonde's side and feeling queasy and dismal, their seatbelts off and the car moving slowly. They'd stopped once, so he could lean out the door and throw up, and when they'd finally gotten home Patricia had been sitting on the couch, had looked up anxiously and pulled him into a hug.

He didn't think he could face them. Go downstairs and sit down and pretend everything was okay. Kian said it was, but Shane couldn't start to believe him, couldn't fathom the idea of being forgiven. Maybe it was the drink still talking, but the bedroom window looked like a fairly good exit right about now.

“Good morning.” A head poked in. Shane nodded weakly. “How you feeling?”

“Awful.” He admitted. Kevin laughed, sidling into the room.

“Let me guess. Never drinking again?”

“Not for as long as I live.” Shane groaned.

“Yeah, said that about a thousand times.” Kevin laughed. “Pretty sure I said that the morning after Kian was conceived, to be honest. Though if I'd known how that was going to turn out, I probably would have been sober for life.” He winked, and Shane found himself smiling. “We're about to go get some breakfast. You want to come?”

“I...” Shane swallowed, tasting the sour dryness of his own mouth. “In a car?”

“In a car.” Kevin nodded. He looked Shane up and down, then laughed. “I can drive slowly.”

“Yeah, that'd be grand.” Shane agreed, burying his face in the pillow. “Can I shower first?”  
  
“I'd insist.” He looked up as a hand landed on the back of his head. “Kian's not angry, okay? None of us are.” Shane shook his head, feeling tears start to sting his eyes, a lump fill his throat. “We're all just worried about you.”

“I'm sorry.” Shane whispered. “I just... I let everyone down. I need to... to get out of his life, I think, stop making things worse and...” He shook his head. “I wanted to. I wanted to leave, but...”

“Not even an option.” He got a smile, a big one, and looked away in the blinding intensity of it. “If anybody's been let down, it's you, okay? Kian was an annoying little shit before he started seeing you, if I'm honest. Getting into fights and being a smart-aleck all the time. I love the lad, but it was that teenage phase. They all went through it.” A hand touched his shoulder. “You grew him up. I was always proud of him, but now I respect him, as an adult. As a good person. He's way more grown-up than I was at that age. And you're part of that.”

“Oh.” Shane sucked in a breath. Swallowed hard to pull back his tears. “He's way too good for me.”

“You're good for each other.” Kevin said, standing back up. “You're family.”

 

*

 

Kian was playing piano when Shane came in, sat down beside him, and kissed his cheek. He smiled, letting his fingers keep going while he glanced over with dancing blue eyes.

“Hello.”

“Hi.” Shane put an arm around his boyfriend's waist. Kian looked back at the sheet music. The piece was over a few seconds later and he turned, tugging Shane close. “Don't stop.” Shane urged. “It was pretty.”

“I'm distracted now. You're too gorgeous.” Kian said. Shane felt himself blush, leaned his face into a broad shoulder to hide it. Fingers danced up his back and he shivered. It had been almost a week since that fairly unfortunate morning he'd spent throwing up. Everything had gone back to normal almost straight away, which was so weird to think. If he'd done that while he was living at home, it would have been stony silences and sighing guilt for weeks. A kiss brushed his ear. “Hey...”

“Hey.” Shane breathed, breath quickening. Another kiss touched his throat, climbed up his jaw. “Oh.” He said quietly, biting his lip when a hand palmed down to his lower back, tugging him closer. “Your parents...”

“Everyone's out.” Kian whispered. A little thrill ran up his back at that idea. “I want you. Let's go upstairs.” The hand pushed lower, sliding under the waistband of his jeans. “Haven't had you in weeks.”

They hadn't. Shane had tried, had thought about it, but he couldn't. Just couldn't. Kept pushing Kian away when he tried, kept trying to turn everything into a hug or a sleepy cuddle when he could tell all Kian wanted to do was rip off his clothes and take him right there on the couch. He'd let it get that far once, had Kian's mouth on his cock, but while it felt nice he couldn't seem to make anything happen, and Kian had climbed back up, brushed hair off his forehead and asked what was wrong.

And Shane had mumbled something about not being in the mood and pretended to go to sleep.

He'd get knowing looks, sometimes, when they both came down late in the morning, and Patricia would look up and ask how they'd slept, a twinkle in her eye. Or Kevin would roll his eyes, laugh slightly, and go back to watching TV. And Shane would feel even worse.

“I don't know.” Shane said softly. Fingers brushed his cheek.

“Talk to me.”

“Nothing to say.” He shrugged, attempted a casual smile. “It's not you.”

“I feel like it is, a bit.” Kian admitted. Shane felt his stomach sink. “What is it, if it's not me?”

“It's...” He looked back at the piano. “Play something else for me, okay?”

“No, I want to talk about it.”

“I don't.” Shane whispered. A hand brushed through his hair, so gently. “I'm tired.”

“It's one in the afternoon.” Kian pointed out. It was. Shane had just got back in from a last study session before his own end-of-semester exams. He'd switched groups, couldn't face sitting near Aiden again. It was hard enough seeing him in lectures, a reminder of what had happened. What he'd done. Kian was home all the time now, and it was harder, not being able to avoid him. Shane didn't want to avoid him. Wanted to be near him all the time, but felt too ashamed to look him in the eye.

“Sorry.”

“Stop... saying that.” Kian sounded defeated. Shane shrugged, looking down. “I can't help if you won't let me.”

“I'm just not in the mood, Ki.” He tried to make his voice light. Got a slow look tinged with anger. The hand on his shoulder left.

“Fine. No, that's fine.” Kian stood, his face straight. Shane looked up.

“Where you going?”

“For... I don't know. A walk.” He stepped around the piano bench and grabbed his shoes from beside the couch. Tugged them on. Shane stood too.

“Kian...”  
  
“I'm just going for a walk, Shay.” He stood again, looked Shane in the eye. He felt that look shudder through him, wasn't sure what to say. A hand touched his cheek. Shane closed his eyes, felt a kiss touch his lips. “I'll be back, yeah?”

“Okay.” Shane bit his lip, felt another kiss brush it. “Sorry.”

“Go study or something.” Kian instructed. He nodded. An arm wrapped around his shoulders, holding him in. His ear was kissed. “I love you. I'll be back in a bit.”

The door closed a minute later.

Shane sank down on the couch, head in his hands.

 

*

 

Kian felt...

He didn't know. Felt angry, though that was always his first response to everything. The thing that got him in trouble all the time, made his fists automatically clench, made that red veil drop down in front of his eyes. His legs felt stiff as he walked across the field, neck tight with the strain of clenching his teeth.

He hadn't gotten into a fight in months. Wanted one now. Wanted to punch someone, maybe get punched back. Something he could deal with, the hard, stinging physical pain of a cut or bruise, being able to get up and hit back. Fight back, and feel something break or tear in his hand, feel like he was giving as good as he was getting.

He felt helpless. Felt like the effort it would take to throw an elbow or knee was more than he could stand. Like all his energy had been drained in just fucking keeping Shane level. In trying not to wish he could take all of Shane's problems and heartbreak, pull them out and turn them into a punching bag, then looking at Shane and seeing tears fill those eyes. He'd brush them away, but there were always more, spilling faster than Kian could catch them, and he Just. Couldn't.

And it was so hard. Feeling Shane cling to him, wrap around him, push into his embrace like Kian was everything he needed in the world, and then feeling pushed away the moment he tried to cling back, tried to use Shane as his own support. He wasn't diminishing what Shane was going through, but he had his own problems, his own issues or worries he wanted to talk about or get off his chest, but every time he thought he could, he'd see Shane's eyes well up with tears and it all seemed so small in comparison.

He'd never felt more frightened in his life, looking for Shane that night last week. Thinking that every corner he looked around he'd find Shane there, almost relieved when he wasn't, not compared to the awful images that had filled his head. Of what Shane could be doing. Of what state he'd be in. His father had been worried too, and that had been the worst. Seeing that his dad was thinking it too. That Shane might be...

And then finding him in the stables, drunk off his head and crying, and Kian was ashamed but the first thing he'd wanted to do was hit him. Just right in the gut, to see if he could inflict a tiny fraction of the pain that Kian was carrying there. And Shane had looked up, and said sorry, and Kian wasn't allowed to. Wasn't allowed to feel that way when Shane was the one falling apart.

Their sex life had never been a problem before. It was intermittent, of course, but it had always felt easy. Getting a moment alone and sneaking into the change room showers last year, before Shane had graduated. A year ago. God, it had been a year and half they'd been together, and Kian wasn't sure if it had flown or if it had felt like forever. Forever ago, being fifteen and snogging on his bedroom floor, terror and joy intermingling in his stomach when he'd heard a soft, compliant moan and he'd slid hands down the back of Shane's shorts, felt warm, firm flesh under his fingers.

Their first time had been... Kian had expected to be the one to go first. Shane was not at all secure in his sexuality, seemed to dance around the physical aspect like a boxer, jabbing in suddenly then backing away for ages until he felt comfortable enough to make another move. Kian hadn't minded that, then, now it was just frustrating.

But kissing Shane deep, pushing fingers into him until Shane had said it felt good. Having no idea at all what he was doing, but just knowing it was right when Shane arched, whimpered, and came over his hand. And Kian had pushed in so slowly, trying to hold back but feeling how tight he was, barely even noticing the condom. Legs had caught his waist, Shane's head going back on a long, gasping moan, and Kian had come right there. Halfway in and not able to stop himself.

Apologised, of course, but Shane had said no, had held him in tight until he'd been hard again, impossible not to be, with those walls around him, starting to slip out and then hardening inside him, feeling him get tighter as he thickened again, heard Shane moan as he'd been refilled. Fingers had slid through his hair, his mouth drawn into a gasping kiss, and when he'd come again so had Shane, rubbing against his belly and making the kinds of sounds Kian would hear in his dreams.

He wanted to shout. Couldn't. Wanted to fuck. Couldn't do that either. Wanted to just make it fucking _better_. But Shane was closed up, the lock all gummed up with tears and guilt and Kian didn't know what to fucking do about that. How long he could not fucking do anything about that.

 

*

 

Shane looked up as the bedroom door opened. It had been almost two hours since Kian had gone on his walk, and he'd done as he was told, sitting there with his books open and trying to study but not able to focus.

He put the book aside quickly when Kian sat down. His hair was a little wet. There was a misty rain that had been coming and going all day. Kian looked at him. Shane stared back, not sure what to say.

“Shift over.” Kian said finally. Shane did, edging away and putting his back against the wall. A second later Kian was laying down, a blonde mop falling into his lap, head facing his knees. Shane reached down, running his fingers through damp hair. Kian shivered, then shuddered. Shane stroked his back, felt him begin to cry.

“What's wrong?” Shane whispered. Kian shook his head, turning over and sobbing into Shane's belly, his shirt becoming wet with tears.

 

*

 

He felt ridiculous, crying like that, especially once his tears had slowed and they'd ended up lying on their sides, kissing slowly, hands stroking his back and his mouth salty with his own tears. Fingers carded through his hair, slid down his neck, and he pushed into it, closing his eyes against the questions in a brown, concerned gaze.

“Sorry.” He said finally.

“It's fine.” Shane pecked his mouth. “What happened?”

“Just... got a bit on top of me.” He admitted. “I um... I didn't mean to push you before. You've got stuff going on, you don't need me trying to hump your leg.”

“It's fine.” A nose nuzzled his, a soft laugh puffing over his mouth. “You're all red and blotchy.”

“Thanks.” He leaned his forehead against Shane's, feeling the body against him shift a little, the arm around his waist press them together. A kiss touched him, and he returned it, sighing when lips parted, a tongue brushing his mouth. He deepened it, felt a hand close tighter on his waist.

“Your parents are still out.” Shane whispered. Kian nodded, realising suddenly that Shane's breaths were a little faster, a little shallower.

“You don't have to.”

“I want to. I think I do. Just...” Kian reached up, tracing Shane's cheek bone with his thumb. “Clothes off, under the blankets and we'll see...” He swallowed, looking nervous. Kian couldn't remember the last time either of them had been nervous. Unsure, definitely, but not nervous. Not with Shane.

“Okay.” Kian said, reaching for the duvet that was piled up at the end of the bed. “Whatever you like.”

 

*

 

“Oh... Shay!”

Kian was gasping under him, and if Shane was honest with himself, it was kind of fantastic. He'd not meant it to get this far, had just thought they'd maybe make out a little and he'd bring Kian off. Then they'd been naked, and it had been hot flesh and muscles under his hands, fingers on his skin, and he'd felt Kian rub against him, and...

“Ki...” He groaned, burying his face in a corded neck, feeling hands grab at his back. They'd kissed for ages, snogging and feeling and Shane had forgotten. What it was like. Being touched, explored, accepted totally. Had forgotten breathy, sweet whispers in his ear, a hand on his arse, pulling him in. Gentle bites on his shoulder, muffling soft cries when Shane had slid fingers in, then himself, holding on tight while Kian rocked against him, worked him deeper.

“Yes...” It was a hiss in his ear. Shane closed his eyes, feeling so close. So fucking turned on. So...

“I love you.” He managed. Heard Kian echo it. A whimpering moan. Felt walls grasp at him, fingernails scrape his spine. “God, I love you.” He said again.

“Please... Ah...” He claimed Kian's lips, cutting off his low pleas, felt a groan fill his mouth. Put a hand on his arse to hold him still while he drew out carefully, trying to slow this down, make it last. Couldn't remember why he hadn't wanted to.

“I'm... fuck, Ki, I'm so close...” He managed. Heard a pleased gasp in response. Felt Kian's hips rock, push against him, undulate slowly, and that... “Oh Jesus, stop or I'm...”

“Can't. You feel...” Kian's head went back, suddenly, the rocking of his hips obviously finding the right spot. He cried out, passage clutching tight, hands twisting into desperate claws on Shane's back. “Oh god. Oh. There. Fuck.” He cried out again, hips still moving, and Shane kissed him hard, still paranoid despite the house being empty. Kian's mouth pulled away a second later, his eyes squeezing shut, head turning to the side. _“Shane!”_ He yelped, driving back again.

“Ki... fuck...” That was it. Fuck. That was it. He carded fingers into his boyfriend's hair, yanked him up into a kiss and felt himself let go, the hot, frantic release splashing his belly while he filled the condom. Filled Kian. Teeth scraping his lip and nails scraping his shoulderblades, heels digging into his back and Kian rocking still, forcing himself down while Shane tried to keep his eyes open, tried to watch everything. Saw blue eyes open, lock with his, and cried out against the clash of their mouths, hips still jerking while Kian clung to him.

“Jesus.” Kian panted, finally. Shane had collapsed on top of him, head on his chest. Fingers were still in his hair, and as he lay there gasping they began to move again, stroking him unsteadily. There was a soft giggle from above him, and he smiled into sweaty skin, felt the other arm wrap around his shoulders. “Love the crap out of you.”

“Ditto.” Shane murmured, kissing soft skin. “Thanks.”

 


	4. Chapter 4

The birthday cake was huge. Chocolate and frosting and eighteen candles, a big rectangular thing that took up half the back porch table.

Kian reached out, dipping his fingers into the corner and scooping up a chunk of icing.

“Kian Egan!” His mother scolded. Shane laughed, dropping a fond smile at his boyfriend, who looked back, cheeky.

“He's taking too long!” Kian protested. “Blow out the candles or I'm going to keep eating.”  
  
“Bit of pressure.” Shane slapped his hand as he reached out for more. “Knock it off, eejit. This is my cake.”

“What's yours is mine and what's mine is yours.”

“Great, this is your cake then.” Shane raised an eyebrow.

“Brilliant. Thanks.” Kian reached out again. Shane laughed, nudging him, then leaned forward, blowing out the candles in one huge breath. There were three cheers, and he found himself blushing, leaning into Kian's shoulder while Patricia handed him the knife.

There was a lot of cake to cut up, but there were a lot of people here. Brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews. Shane hadn't expected it at all, hadn't even really thought there'd be presents or cake or anything, but he'd woken up that morning and the house was already filled with streamers and balloons, a small pile of presents stacked on the coffee table, and he'd sat down in shock, taking a gift with numb hands and finding a few CDs. Smiled gratefully, then opened the next one and found a brand new Discman.

He hadn't know what to say, except it was too much, had blinked back tears while Kian had handed him another wrapped gift. He'd removed the paper with shaking hands, found a new jacket, then some Adidas trainers, then a voucher for the book warehouse that would basically cover all his textbooks for the next semester. He'd hugged everyone, then gone back upstairs for a minute to cry.

There were pancakes. They all sat around the table and poured maple syrup and strawberry jam on everything. Kian had kissed his cheek, and Patricia had taken a photo. Then the adults had gone off to work, the kids to school, and they'd had slow, unhurried sex in their bedroom, Kian slowly edging in and lighting him up.

And now everyone was here, laughing around the kitchen. Fingers took his, curling through under the table. Kian's sister Fenella asked how his exams had gone. His brother Tom wanted to know what he thought of the new James Bond movie, which they'd gone to see the other afternoon. A few bottles of champagne had been produced, and Kian had a glass as well, his parents looking totally unconcerned about it.

“Happy birthday.” Kian said quietly. They were outside, leaned against the back wall of the house in the glow of the porch light. Most of the adults had gone back inside after cake, once the mosquitoes started to bite. He could hear tipsy laughter from inside. Fingers touched his cheek.

“Thanks.” Shane said quietly. He looked up at Kian, who smiled. “I didn't expect anything.”

“Then it was a surprise.” His boyfriend grinned. “Good. Mam kept worrying you were going to wake while we did the decorations.”

“Your family is...” He shook his head, pulling away slightly. He couldn't say it. Explain that while he was so flattered, while Kian's family were amazing, all he'd really wanted that day was one phone call. One card to show up in the post. From anybody. One of his brothers or sisters, one of his grandparents, maybe. An aunt, uncle, cousin... But none of them probably knew, had probably sent them to his mother's house. He wondered what she'd told them, when there had been no eighteenth birthday to celebrate, like the six children before him had had. He'd hoped it had been really awkward, that talking about him had hurt, just the littlest bit.

“You didn't hear anything?”

“No.” Shane whispered. “Nothing.” He was pulled into a hug and sagged against Kian. A kiss touched his forehead. “I don't know.” He took another sip of his champagne. It went down sweet and bubbly. “I didn't think I expected anything, but...”  
  
“But it would have been nice.”

“Yeah.” He said quietly. “It would have been.”

 

*

 

“Right. Okay.” Kian cracked his knuckles, looking down at the post. There was a heavy feeling in his stomach that felt about the same size as the envelope on top of the pile. Shane was sat next to him. “Okay. So.” He looked at Shane. “Minimum Music Education requirements are 415.”

“You did better than that, surely.” Shane said. “You did amazing on music, and you flew through the English written.”

“I went fast, I don't know if...” He shook his head. “It was a lot of poetry.”

“You're good at that.” A hand squeezed his shoulder. “You've got this.”

“I... okay...” He reached out, putting his hand on the letter. “Maybe I should just wait until my parents get home.”

“Oh, for god's...” Shane scooped up the letter, and before Kian knew it he was ripping the end open, pulling out a few sheets and unfolding them. “Right. Ready?”

“No.”

“Good. Okay. Irish. B1.”

“Oh thank fuck.” He covered his cheeks, trying to breathe. A pass. Okay. “Next one.”

“English...” Shane looked up his eyes serious. Kian felt his stomach swirl. “A2.”

“Jesus, shit.” He gasped, trying to lean over for a look. Shane pulled it away, though, laughing.

“Not done...” Shane laughed, skimmed the page. “History... B3. Art... B2. Maths...” Kian closed his eyes, dreading this one. “A2.”

“Fucking hell.” He covered his mouth. All passes. Shit. He was trying to add up the scores in his head, trying to make sense of it. Shane's hand covered his. “Home Ec, C1. And the last one...” He looked up. “Music. Ready?”

“God. No. Yes.” He flinched, nails digging into his bottom lip. “Yes.”

“You're sure?”

“Fucking tell me, Shane!” He barked, getting a laugh in return.

“A1.” Shane grinned. “Ninety-three percent.”

“Yes!” He jumped out of his chair, over the back of the couch. Shane laughed, going around to hug him while he jumped on the spot, giggling. “Final score?”

“Four hundred and seventy.” Shane grinned. “Congratulations, babe. I'm so proud of you.”

“Oh my god.” Kian covered his face, trying not to cry. Shane held him tighter. “I can't... oh my god. I...” He pulled back, kissed Shane hard, felt a chuckle against his mouth. “I don't know what to fucking do with myself.”

“Wait until the acceptance letters show up.” Shane suggested, pulling him closer. Kian grabbed tight, feeling a kiss brush his blazing cheek. A hand rested on the back of his neck. “Come on. Let's go get food or something. Milkshakes are on me.”

“Okay.” Kian laughed, looking up at the ceiling and wondering if he could shoot through it. “IT Sligo, right? With you?”

“Anywhere you like.” Shane shrugged. “Wherever you want to go.”

“Yeah. Oh wow.” He looked down at his shaking hands. “I... I need to call my mam.”

“So go.” Shane nudged him, still grinning. “I'll go find my shoes.”

 

*

 

Kian was babbling. It was sort of adorable. He kept running in front, walking backwards down the street so they could face each other while they kept talking. A thousand things. Secondary or Primary, just music or something else as well. Maybe he could do Drama too, or maybe he could do a Bachelor of Performing Arts. Asking Shane questions about what college was like, what the classes were like, while Shane kept trying to get answers in through the overwhelming tidal wave of Kian's excitement.

“Calm down!” He said finally. Kian stopped, his hands clutched to his chests and grinning excitedly.

“I can't!” He crowed, did a little spin. Shane laughed. “Did you hear my mam? Did you? I thought she was going to cry! I'm going to cry!”

“No you're not.” Shane smirked. He had heard Kian's mam, heard her cheering through the phone, her excitement almost as big as Kian's. He remembered telling his own mother he'd gotten into college, the hugs and congratulations. His dad had ordered pizza, and she'd hugged him, told him she was so proud. He looked back at Kian, tasting bitterness at the back of his throat before he was swept up in a sudden hug. He laughed, pushing the younger boy away, aware that they were in public. Got a huge grin. “God, you're adorable.” He breathed. The grin widened. “What do you want? You want to go to the pub?”

“Yes please. Burgers and chips.” Kian twirled again, then fell back into step beside him. “I can't do it. I can't fucking sit still.”  
  
“Well, you'll have to in a minute.” Fureys was up ahead, and Shane pointed. Kian grinned, running ahead to open the door. Shane followed through, blinking in the suddenly darker room. Kian ran over to a table and sat down, looking expectant. “What do you want?”

“I want... a hamburger with everything, and chips, and a beer.”

“You can have a coke.”

“I'll have a coke.” Kian gave him a cheeky grin, and for a second - a very small one - Shane had the sudden urge to lean down and kiss him. Right there in the pub. Despite the fact that there was a group of old men over in the corner, smoking and drinking. Despite the girls having a couple of midday cocktails. Kian looked up, and Shane smiled, settling for running a hand quickly through long blonde hair.

He went to the bar to order food. Kian was still bouncing in his seat when he sat back down, and Shane had to laugh, reaching out to touch his hand for a half a moment.

“Really proud of you.”

“Thank you.” His boyfriend bit his lip. Probably to stop the excitement pouring out. “I... I was thinking...” He leaned in a little bit, cheeks going slightly red. “And you can say no if you want, like, but um...” He paused. Shane wanted to take his hand again, find a way to encourage him, but it was getting more crowded in here as the lunch rush started. Another group of people had just come in, the bell above the door jangling their arrival. “Next year, once I get settled and get a job and stuff, ehm... Would you... want to find a place, maybe? Like a flat?”

“I would love to do that.” Shane said. He was sure he'd started to speak before Kian had even gotten the question out. Got a bright, glowing smile that lit Kian's eyes from the inside. They'd talked about it before, of course, the crazy fantasy, but this was real. This was Kian asking outright if they could be part of each other's lives. And shit, Shane couldn't have thought anything else. “Definitely.”

“Okay. Cool. Yeah.” Kian bit his lip, hands fidgeting on the table. Shane put his hand over one. Kian stared at it, then turned his own over and squeezed. Shane smiled back, letting go before it got too obvious.

“Beer.” It landed in front of him. “Coke.” Kian nodded, thanking the waitress. Shane took a sip, looking at Kian over the lip of glass. His. His perfect, wonderful Kian.

The door jangled again. Shane didn't bother to look up, but Kian did, his eyes widening suddenly. Shane looked around, confused, but not able to see around the partition at the back of their booth.

“What?”

“Erm...” Kian leaned in. “Your mam just walked in.” He said softly. Shane felt panic run up his throat. “And your dad. They're...”

Shane saw them then. Moving up to the bar. They hadn't seen him, were facing the other direction. He wanted to run. Wanted to go up and say something. Couldn't do either, not with his feet frozen to the floor under the booth. His sister was with them. Yvonne. Probably just popping in for lunch, but...

“Do you want to go?” Kian asked. Shane wanted to look back at him, couldn't look away from his parents and sister. “We can just go.”

“I...” He started. Then they turned around. There was a collective look of surprise.

“Shane!” His sister walked straight up. “Hiya! Mam said you were away on a study trip!” She looked back over her shoulder, and Shane saw his mother's mouth draw tight, his father look away. “What you doing home already?"

“Is... is that what she said?” Shane managed. He swallowed. “No, it...” He didn't know what to say. How to explain. “No. I'm staying at Kian's for a bit.”

“Oh.” She looked confused. “Must've got mixed up. Mam, didn't you say...?”

“Time to go, Yvonne.” His mother said quietly. Shane realised it was the first time he'd heard her voice. The first thing she'd said in his earshot since 'get' had been followed swiftly by 'out'. “I forgot, we've got the florists soon and we don't want to keep them...”

“The florists..?” Shane looked up. “What...?”

“Didn't mam tell you? I called a few weeks ago! Tried to speak to everyone, but she said you weren't home.” She grinned, holding up her left hand. “I'm getting married!”

“Oh wow.” He made himself say. Stood on trembling legs while she embraced him. “Yvey, that's... that's amazing, congratulations!” He could feel Kian's eyes on him. His mother's. Not his father's. No. Looking away. He stared at the rock on her hand while she pulled back. Planning his sister's wedding. That's what they were doing here. Having a spot of lunch in between the preparations.

“It'll be in December. Christmas wedding. I've sent the invitations to mam's house, so there's one there for you of course.”

“Shane can't come.” His mother said flatly. Yvonne looked back over his shoulder, her mouth opening in surprise. “Let's go, Yvonne.”

“No, I...” She looked back at Shane. “Wait, what's going on?”

“What's going on...” Kian's voice was quiet, but he was standing, moving to lean against the table. Shane looked at him, wanting to stop this. Knowing how Kian got. He was all intensity and lashing out in the wrong mood, and right now... Shane didn't know if he wanted that or not. If he wanted Kian do what he desperately wanted to himself, start throwing punches and shouting. Or if he wanted to just shrink down and sneak out the door, go home, and try to forget this had ever happened. “What's happening is your mother kicked Shane out of the house two months ago because she found out he was gay.”

“What?” Her mouth curled into a smile. “That's a joke, right?”

“Come on, Yvonne.” His dad this time, looking red, his eyes still fixed on the floor. “We'll talk about it at home.”

“Wait, no...” She looked back at Shane. “You're gay?”

“Yeah.” He managed to say, though his voice felt like razor blades. Kian's hand closed over his, squeezing it on the table. He moved close, almost standing in front. Trying to shield him, probably, but making him feel penned in to the bench he was sat on, the wall behind him.

“But...” She looked between the two of them. “Funny, guys. Had me going.”

“Your mother kicked her own son out of the house.” Kian was speaking quietly, but Shane knew that tone, knew the rage behind it. When he was holding himself so painfully in check. Shane saw his mother's lips move, didn't hear the words, but Kian was standing straighter, letting go of his hand. “What the fuck did you just say?”

“Yvonne...”

“ _What the fuck did you just say?”_ Kian shouted. She recoiled a little. A part of Shane was glad, watching the shock on her face. His father took her hand, beginning to lead her towards the door. Yvonne was still stood there with a hand over her mouth, blinking in surprise. “You pointless fucking bitch.” He growled while she retreated. “I hope God loves you, you worthless cunt, because you don't deserve it from anybody else.”

“Ki...” Shane whispered. The door jangled closed. Yvonne fled a second later, the bell ringing again while she dashed out. People were staring. Shane realised he was crying, tears rolling silently down his own cheeks. Kian turned, knelt down in front of him.

“You okay?”

Shane shook his head, pushed out of the booth, and ran.

 

*

 

He found Shane at the bus stop, sitting with his feet up on the bench, face buried his arms. Kian sank down beside him, putting a hand on his shoulder.

“I'm sorry.” He said quietly. He knew his temper had gotten the better of him. Again. It wasn't a new thing. His mother had always said he was a match just waiting to be struck. Well, he'd been struck. Hadn't meant to, but then there she was, the whole reason Shane was broken all time, fragile and hurt and lost, and he couldn't help it. Couldn't help running his mouth. Had tried to at least keep his voice down, but then she'd said it, and...

 _He's not my son_.

And he couldn't. Just couldn't when the first tears started to fall from Shane's eyes. The first today, anyway, though there were so may lately he couldn't count them, and he'd seen red. Seen a lot of things, the first being that he had to protect Shane.

“I can't...” Shane gulped back tears, his voice muffled by his knees. “I can't stay here. She's everywhere and...”

“We can avoid her.” Kian suggested. “She can't be everywhere all the time.”

“She _is,_ though!” Shane exclaimed, voice wet. “I can't... I can't walk through town, because there's the cafe. There's my house. I can't see a horse because I remember I have one at home that I can't ride any more. Can't smell hay, because I think of it. I can't...” He shook his head. “I can't. It's all... My sister's getting _married_ , and I'm right here but I can't go! There's the park where my dad taught to me to ride a bike, and there's the theatre, where she sat in the third row while we did Grease. It's... She's everywhere. My whole life and it's not... it's not there any more. But it _is_.” He looked at Kian, eyes red and dripping. “It's all over the place and I feel like I'm going mad. Like there's all this shit in my head that isn't allowed to have happened any more because she isn't my mam any more and I don't know...” He sucked in a deep breath. “I don't know.” He said quietly, burying his face in his arms.

Kian bit his lip, reached out a hand. It was shaken off.

“Shane...”

“I can't.” He whispered.

“Okay.” Kian nodded, feeling his heart break. Put his hand back on Shane's shoulder and kept it there while the older boy trembled. “It's okay. We'll figure it out.”

“I love you.”  
  
“I know.” Kian wished he didn't, sort of, wished that Shane could be straight rather than go through this hell. Felt horribly selfish for being the reason for that. Felt horribly wonderful that this boy was in love with him. “I love you too.” He leaned in, putting his arm around a shaking back. “We'll figure it out.”


	5. Chapter 5

The admission letters started to roll in. He'd applied to a few places, just in case, figured it was worth the risk in case he didn't get what he wanted. Shane set next to him while he opened every one, congratulating him like he was surprised at the outcome and hugging him delightedly.

Kian could see it, though, the little light that had gone out somewhere in Shane's eyes. In his heart. It had been like a firefly, dancing and swirling around him when they first met, the thing that attracted Kian to him in the first place. This sweet optimistic thing that brimmed over with joy and laughter.

He could see it dying a little every day now. Flickering slightly every now and then, when one of Kian's letters came, or when Shane would lay next to him in bed, tired and despairing, and Kian would kiss him and tell him quietly that he was loved. More than anything in the world. And for a second Shane's eyes would glow, his mouth twist into a small smile that always had a frown circling the edges.

His mother asked if he was okay. His father asked if he needed anything. Shane would just say he was, and that he didn't, and retreat upstairs for a bedtime that seemed to come earlier every night.

It was just after eight, and Shane had gone to bed a few minutes ago. Kian had tried, at the beginning, wanting to do that with him, but it was too early now and he would lay there for hours while Shane quietly slept, lay there for hours again in the morning while he slept some more. He seemed not to want to wake, like it was all to hard to be present and conscious. Now Kian would just lay next to him, stroke his hair until he nodded off, maybe hum a song if Shane asked him to, and get back up, potter around the house or watch television with his parents.

“Shane's asleep?”  
  
“Yeah.' Kian nodded. He was sat at the other end of the couch, blankly watching some terrible sitcom, his knees tucked up to his chest. His mother was staring at him. “What?” He asked, feeling her gaze prickle over his skin. “Is there something on my face?”

“No.” She looked away. “He's spending a lot of time in bed.”

“I know.” He replied. Not just that, but he was spending a lot of time in his own head. A few times now he'd gone to bed and smelled alcohol on Shane's breath, seeping out of his pores, but when he'd asked about it in the morning he'd gotten nothing but a blank look, which appeared to be Shane's default setting. They hadn't had sex in weeks, not since the incident with Shane's mother. Shane had been living here for three months, almost, and Kian could count on both hands the amount of times they'd done it. Not even it, just anything. A handjob, a blowjob, even a bit of a cheeky grind. Every time he touched Shane his boyfriend just seemed to pull away, then cling to every hug like it was a lifeline.

And a few days ago, Kian had popped out to go rehearse with Skrod, feeling guilty about the fact that he hadn't shown up to anything in months – though none of them had, really, with exams on – and when he'd gotten home he'd found Shane in the little neglected shed down at the end of the garden, fast asleep with half a bottle of vodka propped between his knees.

“He's drinking.” She said quietly. Kian nodded.

“I know.”

“He needs help.”

“Yeah.” He looked down at his knees. “I don't know what to do.” They were both looking at him now, and for a second he hesitated, then he slid over, letting her pull him into a hug. A hand stroked his hair and he closed his eyes. “I'm really tired.” He admitted, feeling the words ring as deep as the exhaustion in his bones. “It's Sligo. It's his mam. He's not... I feel like it's sucking him dry and I don't know what to...”

“He can't stay here.” His dad said quietly.

“No.” Kian admitted. “I don't think he can. He just keeps getting worse and...” He bit his lip. “We need...” He'd held off saying this, even to himself, but it had to be considered. Had to be looked at before... “We need to go, I think. I need to take him somewhere else. Find a flat or... I don't know. Somewhere that isn't Sligo.”

“You're seventeen.” His mother said. “You don't have a job or...”

“I know.” He looked down at his hands, which were shaking a little bit. “I know, but... I have to go with him. He can't be here, so I have to...” He swallowed hard. “I got accepted at DCU. They have a music department there, so...”

“That's really far away.”

“I know, mam. I just... I have to. Don't I? For him. He's...” He scrubbed a hand over his face, tried to find the words. “I know I'm probably going to get the whole 'don't throw your life away for some boy when you're seventeen' speech but... it's Shane. I love him. What else am I supposed to do?”

“Okay, so you're going to Dublin.” His dad said. Kian looked up in surprise. He'd expected an argument, at least, expected to have to throw some great Romeo and Juliet style tantrum about how they couldn't possibly understand his feelings. “Talk to him tomorrow, and then we'll see if we can get the ball rolling. Find out about student housing and whether he can switch his course.” A hand fell on his shoulder. “Okay?”

“Yes.” Kian nodded, wishing Shane wasn't asleep so he could run upstairs and tell him. “Are you sure?”

“No.” His dad snorted, giving him a smile. “Are you?”

“Yes.” He nodded, despite the snakes twisting in his gut, the void that had suddenly opened behind him, a deep pit of uncertainty. But then he thought of Shane, and... “I'm sure. It's Shane.”

“It is.” His mother sighed, and when he looked up there were tears in her eyes.

 

*

 

Shane didn't know how long he'd been laying there, but he'd taken a couple of sleeping pills. They seemed not to help, but at least they made it a little easier to drift, to find this slow wave on top of the vodka he'd snuck out from under the bed when Kian had gone downstairs.

He could hear them talking, just faintly. Not words, just a murmuring presence there in the back of his head, the rhythm of their voices echoing up the stars and through the crack where the door was just open. He blamed Kian, a little bit, for not staying with him once he was asleep. Maybe if he had, Shane wouldn't have been able to do this. He blamed Kian's parents, too, for being perfect. For asking how he was when the last thing he wanted to think about was how he was.

But mostly he just blamed himself.

Stupid. Stupid idiot boy who had gone and chucked his whole life away for some teenage love affair. He could have done it. Could have found a girl. Married her. Had kids maybe. He liked kids. At least three, maybe more. He could have gone to his sister's wedding. Could have stood behind the counter at the Carlton on weekends, pitching in and being with his family while his dad made burgers and his mam worked the chipper.

And he was trying. To be that. To block out the fact that every time Kian was near he wanted to yank his jeans down and touch him. Wanted to suck a hard cock into his mouth, feel the weight of it on his tongue while fingers tangled through his hair. Wanted to get bent over a table in the school supply room again and feel Kian push in, a strong arm around his chest, feeling naughty and dangerous, but not guilty. Not in the way he was now. With the alcohol dulling his want. Dulling everything. And man, those sleeping pills were really starting to kick in now.

It was late when he felt Kian slide back in beside him. Felt a kiss touch his neck and a hand capture his waist.

“I love you.” Kian said quietly, sliding a hand under his shirt, his fingers a brand on his skin. Shane wanted to cry. Wanted Kian. Wanted to find a way to take it all back. Another kiss touched his neck. Shane opened his eyes, staring at the sliver of light shining under the bedroom door.

“I love you too.” He whispered. Felt the hand on his stomach tense.

“I know.” Kian said softly. “I'm going to fix this.”

 

*

 

When Shane woke it was almost noon and his head felt like it had been cracked open, his brains spilled onto the floor like the yolk from an egg. Kian was up. He could hear music coming from downstairs, an acoustic guitar. Marielle was singing along off-key while Kian humoured her with a pop song. Spice Girls, it sounded like. One of the slow ones off their album.

He pulled himself up, felt the room rock. His mouth felt like plaster-of-paris. He was shaking a little bit. That wasn't new, though. He suspected he'd been drunk or asleep more or less for the last month, so at this stage it was all just background noise. He stumbled to the bathroom, brushed his teeth until his gums bled, and then took a shower.

When he went back to the bedroom, Kian was sitting on the bed, an almost empty bottle of vodka in his hand. He felt his stomach drop.

“Ki...”

“Morning.” The bottle was put down on the floor with a soft clunk. Kian reached out a hand. Shane stared it at a long time, not sure what it was supposed to mean, then stepped forward. “Come here.” Kian patted the bed.

“It was a present. I was just...”

“You're not really going to lie to me, are you?” Kian asked, his voice quiet. Shane shook his head, sinking down and letting his boyfriend put an arm around him. “Why are there sleeping tablets in your sock drawer?”

“You're going through my things?” The accusation felt hollow. He closed his eyes, felt a kiss brush his temple.

“No more.” Kian said quietly. “This needs to stop.”

“You don't understand...”

“I don't because you won't talk to me.” Kian argued. Shane felt a sob rise in his throat, the hand on his waist tighten. “I want to help, but you keep pushing me away. I can't do anything if you keep pushing me away.”

“You can't help.”

“Why not?”

“Because you're the problem!” Shane cried. The hand on his waist loosened, fingers pulling away in shock. “I'm sorry.” He covered his mouth. “I didn't mean that.” Kian was still pulling away, and when Shane looked up it was into eyes bright with hurt.

“What did you mean, then?” Kian said it slowly. Shane knew that tone. The same one he'd heard before Kian had shouted at his mother. The one that said he was barely in check.

“I don't...” He curled his knees up, looked at the boy next to him. “Maybe I could have done it. Been what she wanted, but you...” He looked away. A hand settled back on his shoulder. “I love you, and I shouldn't because... because now you're all I have and... and I can't. If I love you, then I can't go back. She won't have me back. I want you.” He gulped back tears. “It's my fault.”

“Shay... oh fuck.” He was pulled into a hard hug. Felt himself let go, the flood of emotion he'd been holding back for weeks. “Jesus.” He sank into the hug, his arms dangling helplessly between them while an embrace crushed him in. “God, what the fuck did she do to you?” He found himself crying harder, with hands stroking down his back. “It's not your fault. It's not mine. It's...” Kisses pressed all over his face, sponging up his tears as fast as they could fall. “No. I won't let you think like that.”

“But...” Shane attempted. Blue eyes locked with his, blurry behind his own tears, the ache of the hangover that had become part of his life.

“No. Christ. Never ever be guilty for what you want.” A kiss pressed to his mouth. “No matter what it is. You're perfect.” Fingers carded through his hair, another kiss biting his lips. “There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.”

“I'm... I shouldn't. I look at boys and...”

“Fantastic.” Kian laughed. “Look at boys all you want. I'll help. We'll both look at boys.” Shane managed a small laugh at that, startled out of him by Kian's enthusiasm. “Look at me.”

Shane did. Saw concerned blue eyes. A thumb stroked over his bottom lip before Kian kissed it.

“You're perfect.” Kian said. Shane tried to look away. A hand cupped his cheek, held it in. “You are everything I ever wanted, and this...” He gestured down at the bottle. “This needs to stop, because it's breaking my heart.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Don't be sorry.” A nose rubbed against his. “No more.”

“Okay.” Shane bit his lip. Saw Kian smile. Wasn't sure if that was a promise he could keep, but feeling like he could at least try when a hand slid into his. He looked down at their joined hands, felt Kian tug him in until his head was rested in his boyfriend's neck. Warm. Fingers closed on his shoulder and keeping him safe. “I'm sorry.” He said again.  
  
“Don't be.” Kian murmured. “Just be you.”

 

*

 

Kian held off telling Shane about the idea he and his parents had come up with. He wasn't in the right headspace for it, looked tired and fragile all the time. Kian had thrown away what was left of the vodka, had hidden the sleeping pills just in case. He didn't seem awful – had only been doing this for a month or so, so wasn't exactly suffering the comedown of a long-term alcoholic going cold turkey. It seemed to be mostly emotional. He still went to bed early, but Kian would go with him, lay down across from him while he shut his eyes and occasionally had a bit of a cry. Have low conversations and try to connect a bit, to remind Shane that he was here. He felt like they hadn't talked about anything in months, not anything that wasn't Shane's misery or Kian's school.

That Saturday they lay in bed all day, just talking quietly about nothing and listening to music. Kian went downstairs to get a some hot chocolate, later for some sandwiches, but otherwise they just discussed stupid things. TV shows, movies, football. They had a twenty minute argument over which day of the week they'd first kissed. It didn't bloody matter, but it was worth it to see Shane get fired up about something, even something silly. He went to the bathroom, and when he came back Shane was fast asleep, his mouth open slightly and eyes closed. Kian curled up alongside him, rested his head in his shoulder, and went to sleep too.

He'd been looking into it, though, wanted to be as prepared as possible for when he finally asked Shane. Had sent away for brochures, looked into what it would take for Shane to transfer his studies. He hadn't replied to the acceptance letter yet, didn't want to jinx it, but it was stuck to the fridge with his others.

“What you doing?” Shane murmured. Kian looked up, laughing when a chin landed on his shoulder, arms wrapping around him over the back of the couch. He was kissed, just gently, and smiled into it, feeling it warm and willing against his mouth.

“Not much. Just looking at universities.”

“I thought you were going to Sligo with me?”

“Yeah.” Kian looked back down at the brochure. Dublin College University. A four year Bachelor of Education and Music. “Hey... come sit with me, okay?” Shane nodded, sidling around the couch and sitting down. Kian leant against him, holding the booklet so he could see. “I was thinking about going to Dublin.”

“Oh.” He felt Shane stiffen, his breath catch in his chest. Kian leaned up to kiss his cheek.

“Come with me.” He said quietly. He knew how this would go. If Shane thought he was being done a favour, he'd get guilty. Kick and scream and fall into old habits. “They have the same Accountancy Undergraduate program...” He flicked through, showed Shane the page. “We can go to Dublin, find a place together like we said."

“I...” Shane stared at him. “Dublin's expensive.”

“I know.” Kian admitted. “It is, but... look, they've got student housing off-campus that doesn't cost much. Maybe we could look into a share house.”

“With other people?”

“That's generally the idea.” Kian snorted. Shane was staring at him like he was from the moon. It was a bit gorgeous. “It'll be fun. Get away from Sligo, get jobs. We can have lunch together every day, and at night...” He left that open, winked, Shane's eyes sparkle, just slightly. They still weren't being intimate again, not with Shane the way he was, but Kian had a feeling it was only a matter of time. He was horny as fuck, admittedly, but it wasn't his first priority. He rolled over onto his stomach, looking up. “Let's go have an adventure.”

“Leave Sligo?”  
  
“Why not?” Kian asked. Saw Shane shake his head. “You wanted to leave. You told me.”

“Yeah, but...” He pursed his lips. “I've lived here my whole life.”

“Me too.” Kian shrugged. “It'll still be here. Come on. When I turn eighteen, we can go clubbing. They have gay clubs in Dublin. We can get bladdered and make out. Nobody will even know us there. We can hold hands in the street.” He added. Shane looked down at him. “Snog on public transport.” That got a laugh. “Come on. You don't want to kiss me on a bus?”

“It wasn't my first dream.” Shane chuckled, looking overwhelmed. He ran a hand over his face, glancing over at the brochures on the table. “It's a big step.”

“Good.” Kian nodded. “We need one. A big fucking step away from Sligo.” He knelt up, took Shane's hands. The older boy stared back, looking suddenly younger. Kian kissed his knuckles, tried to suck out the uncertainty he could see in troubled eyes. “There'll be jobs there, too, once we're done. You want to join one of Sligo's three family tax places, or you want to go work for a big fancy company and wear a suit every day?”

“Every day?” Shane pulled a face. Kian laughed, leaning down to kiss him.

“You look sexy in a suit.” He murmured. Felt Shane shift under him and push up, just a little. “If you put on a suit, I can take it off you.”

“Sounds interesting.” Shane admitted. Kian pressed a kiss to his throat, knowing what it did to him. Felt a low moan rumble under his lips. “I could leave it on. I could fuck you while I wear it.

“Mmm... yes...” Kian agreed. “Take off your tie and use it to tie me to the bed.” Felt a slow shudder under him. “Sit on my cock while I lay there, all helpless...” He thought maybe he was pushing too far, too quickly, especially after their recent abstinence, but then Shane made a low whimper, and Kian wriggled, feeling hard flesh. He smirked, licking up to his jaw. “Sexy.” He whispered. A hand twisted in his hair.

“Boys, could you do that in the bedroom please?” Kian jumped, looked up. His mother had just come through the front door. He hadn't heard her, not with Shane filling his senses. She was giving them a put-upon look, her arms crossed, but a small smirk on her face. Kian blushed, saw Shane blush harder.

“Ehm... sorry.” Shane sat up, already pulling away. Kian stopped him. He could see it already, that Shane's mind was going straight for the guilt before anything else. “I'll um... we...”

“Sorry, mam.” Kian interrupted, sliding off Shane's lap. “We were just talking about maybe going to Dublin for college. What do you think?”

“I think I'll miss you.” She smiled, obviously getting the hint to tread carefully. Shane was still bright red. Kian grabbed his hand, trying to tether him to the couch. “But if that's what you want to do...”

“Is it?” Kian said quietly. Shane picked up the brochure on the table. Stared at it for a long moment, his lips pursed.

“Yeah.” He said finally. “Okay.”


	6. Chapter 6

Shane was staring out the window. Had been since they'd left, watching familiar fields and landmarks fall behind. It was so strange, thinking he didn't live there any more.

“You know, your nose'll get stuck to the glass if you keep doing that.” Kian pointed out. Shane turned, caught a cheeky smile. Kian leaned over, looking out the window over his shoulder. A hand slid into his. “There goes Sligo.”

“Yeah.” Shane nodded. “There it goes.” He felt the hand squeeze, then let go. A kiss touched his ear surreptitiously then pulled away. Shane felt himself blush, feeling utterly self-conscious. Kian didn't appear to have the same problem.

It had been a strange six weeks. Saying yes to Kian's idea had seemed much easier than actually implementing it, or so he'd thought at first. He had a feeling Kian had been thinking it a lot longer than he was admitting, because suddenly his boyfriend had known all about the steps he'd have to take to transfer his course, knew exactly what paperwork to fill out. Forms had been produced within days, and Kian was sorting everything while Shane sat back and stared in open-mouthed amazement.

But they were in. Sorted. Had all their admissions paperwork and things, were set up for student housing. Kian's parents had given them money to get started, just the beginnings of the rent and a few extra bob for textbooks and food while they looked for jobs. Shane hadn't wanted to take it, but Kian had nodded solemnly and given over his bank account details so they could transfer the money. Half of it had gone into Shane's account straight after, despite his protestations, and now here they were, on a train to Dublin, bags shoved in the overhead compartments and Kian's guitar propped against his knees.

“Tell me about Dublin again...” He sighed, leaning against Kian's shoulder. Heard a soft laugh. Kian had been there three weeks ago for an interview and practical music test, the last steps of his admission. Shane had been once, when he was two.

“In Dublin...” Kian said theatrically. “The air will be all polluted, and there'll be cars everywhere.”  
  
“Everywhere?” Shane exclaimed. “What about horses?"

“No horses.” There was a snicker against his ear. “But there'll be buses. Big ones. And people.”

“Actual people?”  
  
“Actual people.” A nose rubbed his cheek. “All sorts of people. Not even just farmers. People who do other jobs.”  
  
“There are other jobs?”

“Yep. And the grass is all in one spot. They call it a 'park'.”

“What's everywhere else?”

“Cement.”

“No!” Shane gasped. Heard a chuckle. “It sounds mad.”

“It does.” Kian said. “It sounds amazing.”

“It does.” Shane murmured. He looked up, caught fond blue eyes. “Adventure, is it?”

“It is.” Kian looked out the window, where they were starting to pass through a small town. “I'm sort of scared.” He said quietly. “But it'll be okay.”

“Will it?”

“Course.” Fingers slid through his. “I've got you.”

 

*

 

Kian fell asleep on the train. When he woke they were half an hour out from their stop. He looked up, finding the idea of him being asleep on Shane's shoulder fairly novel, for a change. Shane seemed wide awake, was staring out the window and didn't notice he'd woken until Kian leant up and kissed him on the cheek, eliciting a jolt of surprise.

“Morning.”

“Hey.” Kian croaked, full of sleep, and Shane smiled at him. It was a small smile, but genuine. Especially compared to the last few months.

The rest of the trip went quickly. Before Kian knew it they were grabbing their bags and climbing off, looking around to figure out where they were supposed to go. He felt very small, suddenly, especially when they stepped out of the station and into the middle of the city. Shane took his hand, a surprise considering they were in public, but when he looked over there was a nervous frown on his face, his eyes looking up at the buildings walling them in.

“Um...” Shane said. Kian squeezed his hand.

They found a taxi, read out the address on their rent agreement, and in fairly short order were standing in front of a tidy six-storey block of flats. It was warm inside, and smelled slightly of fresh paint. They collected the keys at the front desk from a bored looking girl with blue hair and took the lift up.

“Right... Five-sixteen...” Kian looked along the doors, trying to figure out which was theirs.

“Five-nine.” Shane pointed. “Five-eleven...” He dashed ahead, then stopped halfway down the hall. “Five-sixteen.”

“Five-sixteen.” Kian agreed, hefting the keys in his hand.

It was tidy inside. Empty. They'd gotten one with only one extra bedroom, hadn't wanted the madness of being in a large share house. It was still unoccupied apparently – they'd gone down a few weeks early with the intention of finding work before classes started – and they looked between the two bedrooms before settling on the one that appeared to have a more comfortable bed. Their bags were shoved into the closet, and then they went to investigate.

It was nice enough. Neat and reasonably furnished, with a good-sized living-space-slash-kitchen-slash-dining-room. Separate toilets for each of the bedrooms and a communal bathroom with a shower but no bath. It was the kind of place that looked good until you stepped a little closer, saw the frayed edge of the rug, the curling wallpaper. Shane turned to smile at him and Kian pulled him in, kissed his nose.

“Perfect.” Shane murmured. He glanced over his shoulder, then back, looking up earnestly. “Want to go try out the bed?”

 

*

 

Kian was beautiful, strung out on the double bed, his hands fisted in the rails above him. Shane sank down slowly, gasping out a moan when he felt himself hit bottom.

“God...” Kian muttered, grabbing tighter, arching up, and oh, that was deep. So deep while Shane bit back a cry and leaned back slightly, tilting Kian against the right spot. “Fuck.” Blue eyes rolled back, a hand leaving the rail to close on his hip, guiding the movement as Shane began to rock, feeling the scrape of abused flesh, the slide of lube.

“Ki...” He managed, head tipping back when Kian sat up, wrapping around him. He lifted again, dropped down, felt it spear him. And shit, he'd already been close when they'd been snogging on the bed, closer when Kian had gone down on him, his tongue slurping enthusiastically. And now, with his arms over broad shoulders and a thick cock deep in his arse, he wasn't at all sure he could hold on.

“Shh...” Kian murmured, pulling his head down and licking up the side of his face. “Stay a minute.” He instructed, and Shane nodded, gulping down breaths, one after the other. “We've got time.”

They did. It was so odd to think it when the first three days they'd still been banging out quickies, looking over their shoulders in case they were caught or interrupted. Then this morning Shane had woken with Kian wrapped to his back, an erection poking him fairly definitely in the bum, and he'd sunk down, licking slowly until Kian had woken with a groan, his hips rising automatically towards Shane's mouth.

And that had been almost an hour ago. He didn't think they'd ever spent this much time on it. And minute for minute they hadn't had this much sex in the last few months. But all of a sudden it felt easier, like the world had slowed down in this room, like if Kian kept doing that thing with his fingers, it was all going to be over very suddenly.

“Kian...” He gasped, hearing a giggle that seemed to ripple in time with the fingers cupping his balls. “Too close.”

“Can't have that.” The fingers left, stroked up his cock instead, then closed around it. He felt the throb of his own flesh in a tight grip, managed a whine. “Want to stay inside you forever.”

“Yeah.” He closed his eyes and leant his head against a strong shoulder, felt a hand stroke the back of his neck. Settled into the feeling. It was amazing, having no urgency. Shane had forgotten. Their sex life had gotten back on track a little after Kian had sat him down and told him 'no more'. His reasoning had been sweet, and sounded so good Shane wished it could be true, but a part of him was still unsure. Still wanted to run home and tell his mother he was sorry, that he'd take it back.

That he'd never ever see Kian again.

And there was the rub, of course. Because the idea of losing Kian was...

“Love you...” Was gasped into his throat. Shane shifted without meaning to, heard a soft moan. Returned it louder when he was leant back, Kian's tongue sliding around his nipple, then across to the other one, sweeping through hair on the way past. “You're gorgeous.” It vibrated against his skin, a hand still slowly stroking him. Not bringing him off, just keeping him ready. Shane let his hands wander down a smooth back, muscles shifting under his hands and a tongue licking up his throat. “So tight...”

“So good...” Shane hitched up a leg, trying to find a more comfortable angle. Kian whimpered.

“Oh, that's...” He nudged up slightly, and Shane's eyes fluttered closed, a roll of pleasure doubling back when Kian did it again. “Shay...” Teeth scraped his shoulder, the hand on him starting to move a little faster. “I'm... fuck, I'm too close... you feel...”

Shane clung to him, felt him rock a little harder, hips moving with purpose now. He wrapped around the younger boy, beginning to move in tandem while Kian mouthed his ear, panted, eyes squeezed shut and face buried in his cheek, Kian's hair tickling his nose. Then he was kissed. Slow and hard, gasps filling his mouth. Kian groaning, hand moving like a blur and oh Jesus, there was the edge. Shane whimpered, heard a hungry growl, and pushed down hard, heard the growl turn into a cry. Felt himself let go, Kian pushing up through him while they both gasped their orgasms into the bedroom.

Kian started to giggle. It was gorgeous. This cute thing he always did when his climax was over and he was coming down with this happy laugh that sounded almost amazed, totally carefree. Shane laughed back, feeling his muscles tremble while he tried to keep clinging on.

“You're lovely.” He said honestly, carding fingers through sweaty blonde hair. Kian nuzzled his chest, his face still split into a grin, then began to lay back, pulling Shane with him. He was empty a second later, but it didn't matter, snuggled up to Kian's chest, his own stickiness caught between them. “I don't know what I'd do without you.”

Kian's voice was confident, if a little breathless. A kiss brushed his hair.

“You won't ever have to be.” He murmured.

 

*

 

Kian had seen a little of Dublin when he came with his father for his admissions interview, but at the time he'd not realised how _much_ of it there was. Admittedly, at the time he'd been more concerned with not panicking or acting like an idiot, but the middle-aged woman who'd interviewed him had been very nice, had just asked him a few questions about what instruments he knew and what certificates he already had, and had let him have a second go when he'd messed up his piece on the piano, the nerves getting to him when a couple of pages of sheet music had stuck together and he'd gotten mixed up. He'd been bright red, sure that he'd fucked it, but she'd just told him to take a deep breath and start again.

The listening test had been easy enough, and by the time he'd gotten back out to the car he was more or less confident. He hadn't mentioned the fuck up to anyone, just said that it had gone fine, and a couple of days later had gotten the call to say he had a place in the music program, if he wanted.

They'd gone for a little wander around the campus, just having a look at the grounds and getting a feel for the layout, had some afternoon tea at a cafe nearby, then headed back home before it got too late. And he'd figured that had been Dublin.

They'd gotten lost twice on the first day. Had gone for a wander to look around, which had only proven that no matter how far you walked there was still more bloody Dublin. They'd gotten totally turned around, had thought they'd figured it out when they saw that McDonalds they'd passed a while back, and realised it was a different one. There were a lot of McDonalds. A lot of three- and four-storey brick buildings that all looked the same. Then they'd stumbled upon a HMV, which had at least kept them occupied until they realised they needed to figure out how to get home.

They got a train. Managed to make it back to the same station they'd arrived at from Sligo, and walked the rest of the way. Then Shane popped out for a few minutes that afternoon to get some food from the local supermarket and taken a wrong turn somewhere, had shown up an hour later looking near-tears with relief when Kian had opened the door.

“Okay, so...” They were pushing their way down the aisle at the supermarket, their cart looking depressingly empty. Kian hadn't realised how difficult it was, doing groceries. They'd been here five days now, and on the first day they'd gone mad, buying crisps and biscuits and soft drink. Now there was nothing left in the house and they were getting poorer, especially with public transport starting to chip away their money as they went job-hunting. There was no luck yet. “Produce market. Part-time.”

“I can do that.” Kian reached up for a few packets of instant noodles. They were three for a pound. He grabbed six, then looked back over at Shane, who was leant on the handle of the trolley, the job section of the newspaper propped up in the child seat.

“Six pounds an hour, three days a week, flexible roster...” That all sounded perfect. They needed something they could work around their studies. “Must have forklift license.”

“Shit.” Kian groaned.

“Yep.” Shane sighed, the paper rustling while he looked through. Kian fell into step beside him. “It's all... experience required, must have this qualification...” He turned the page. “Clothes shop... no, must have managerial experience.” He leaned his elbows on the handle. “Ice-cream?”

“That's a job?”

“No, get some ice-cream.” Shane pointed. They were just turning into the freezer aisle.

“We can't afford ice-cream.” Kian shrugged. “Stuff we need, not stuff we want.”

“I need ice-cream.”

“Well, get a job and you can have ice-cream. Frozen lasagne is half-price.”

“Get two.” Shane suggested. Kian did, feeling his hand sting with frost when he reached in and grabbed a couple of packets. When he turned back, Shane had let go of the handle and was staring in at packets of frozen vegetables. Kian took over, glancing down at the newspaper. A cold hand touched the back of his neck and he yelped, looking over and getting a laugh.

“Eejit.” He grinned, pushing forward. A large packet of toilet paper was dumped in a minute later. They hadn't even thought about that. There were a lot of things they hadn't thought about. They'd just run out, and been totally blindsided by the idea that someone actually had to go buy it. It was always just there, being part of the house. Same with the washing up. Shane had gone to do the dishes and realised they didn't have any sponges or liquid. Which meant another trip to the supermarket.

“I'm going to go try Burger King again.”

“Cool.” Kian nodded. He felt like they'd gone on a walking tour of 'no jobs available'. If anything, at least he was starting to get a feel for where everything was, even if it was just to know which places had turned them down. If you turned left at the coffee-shop that needed him to take a barista course, then right at the shoe store that didn't need anyone right now, you'd end up at the pet-store that was only accepting people full-time. “Maybe hit up the pubs? See if they need someone to mop up beer and teeth or work in the kitchen?”

“You're not old enough.”

“You are.” Kian picked up the newspaper. “You worked in a chipper, you can run a deep fryer and that, make Irish Breakfasts for drunk people.”

“Yeah, I'll just get a reference, shall I?” Shane's voice sounded light, but he looked away. Kian bit his lip. “We've got no experience, is the problem. My one job was for my family, and you were a bloody stripper.”

“I was a kissogram.” Kian argued. They'd had this conversation before. Shane loved to rib him about it. “I was classy. I read poetry.”

“Insert name here, it's your birthday, insert embarrassing story your friends submitted, look at my arse.”

“Basically, yeah.” Kian snorted, getting a smirk. He always loved Shane, but the last few days he'd really liked him. Remembered why he'd fallen for him in the first place, why they got along so well. It had been a long time since he'd heard Shane laugh properly, seen that cheeky spark in his eye, and now it was back he never wanted to let it go. He reached out to take his hand, felt fingers wrap through his.

“This is everything?”

“It's what we can afford.” Kian nodded.

“It doesn't look like much.”

It didn't. Bread, milk, eggs, noodles, lasagne, toilet paper, shampoo, tea, and what scant fruit and veg they'd been able to carefully weigh to check it fit in the budget. Kian had been adding the amounts up in his head, and it still seemed like too much money. He'd had to put the bananas back. Apparently different kinds of fruit cost different amounts of money, and the apples had just been cheaper.

They went through the checkouts, handed over the money they'd scraped from their savings accounts, then headed back, their entire week's food and toiletries carried in four plastic bags with room for the newspaper stuffed in on top of the eggs.

Shane took his hand halfway home. Kian squeezed it, feeling his heart lighten.

 

*

 

“Right, so that comes to...” Kian looked over his textbooks. Shane had already bought his at home with the voucher Kian's parents had bought him for his birthday, and he was suddenly far more grateful for that gift than any other, though the Discman had been pretty cool. “A hundred and six pound seventy.” They were all second-hand too, looking ratty at the edges, and he'd had to compromise on a slightly out-of-date version of the Music text. Shane had offered to chip in for a more current one, but Kian had declined. He'd already been over the hundred pounds he'd designated for books, and hadn't wanted to add to it, not with rent coming up.

Their new flatmate had moved in two days before. Hamish, a quiet Chinese kid with an improbable name that spent most of his time in his room and hadn't questioned their relationship. Not that they'd seen enough of him to have an actual conversation, but they already found a passive-aggressive note about refilling the ice-cube tray, so that was nice.

“You want some more chips?”

“No, it's fine.” Kian pushed the tray towards Shane. “You finish them. You paid for them.”

“It's fine.” Shane pushed the tray back. They were sat in the cafeteria, getting a bite now that their textbook shopping was done. Classes started in a few days, and they'd both wanted to have a wander around, figure out where everything was and where they were supposed to be. He liked the campus. It was bigger than IT Sligo, but in the end it was basically the same. Kian looked awed. It was really cute.

There was an argument going on somewhere over their shoulder. It had started a few minutes before, but he'd not paid much notice. It was fairly quiet in here, though, with only a few people dotted around, and the noise level was starting to go up.

“Fuck you, Suzy!” Was shouted. There was a skinny boy with an apron on behind the counter when Shane turned to look, a much shorter, chubby girl crossing her arms and glowering up at him. “I don't need this shit.”

“So go!” She pointed towards the door. Despite her height she seemed bigger then him. Like she had more presence. She was sort of pretty, with long red hair in a French braid. “You won't be missed, Pete, I can promise you that!” She held out her hand. “Get back to the register or give me your apron.”

“I...” He glared, then wrenched it off over his head. Tossed it at her. “Take it. Fucking slut.”

“Oh, I'm a slut?” She was shouting now. “Shit, I'm sorry. I thought I slept with other people so I could forget your _tiny penis_.” Shane was startled into a laugh. “I mean, I was just looking for an orgasm, since you couldn't find any except your own.” She balled the apron up in her hands like she was about ready to throw a punch. Kian was standing, looking concerned. Shane sort of loved him for it. “See ya, Pete. I hope Katrina's got lower standards.”

He stormed out a minute later. Kian was already walking over. Shane followed, scooping up the bowl of chips on the way. He was concerned as well, but he wasn't throwing away 40p worth of chips.

“Hey, are you okay?”

“I'm fine.” She gave them a stiff smile. “Sorry, lads. Just...” She looked down at the bowl Shane was holding. “Sorry. Do you want some more sauce? I can...”

“It's fine.” Kian shook his head. “Just wanted to make sure you were alright.”

“I'm okay. Thanks.” The apron was still in her hands. She shoved it under the till. “Wanker ex-boyfriend. Don't shag the staff, is probably the first rule.” She had a little badge pinned to her shirt that said 'Suzanne: Supervisor'. “It's cool. He was an arse anyway.”

“Well, that's all right then.” Kian joked, got a small laugh. “Anyway...”

“Hey, you aren't looking for a replacement, are you?” Shane blurted out. Kian looked at him, raising an eyebrow like now was probably not the time. Not that Kian could talk on tact – he was bloody terrible at it. Like not speaking his mind might physically hurt him. “Because we're looking for jobs and...”

“Oh...” She looked between the two of them. “Um... I guess...” She pursed her lips.

“If it helps, we're gay, so we're not gonna have a repeat of that.” Kian piped up. She laughed, crossing her arms over her fairly ample chest. “Sorry, we didn't come check on you just to ask. Just... if you are, then...”

“How old are you?”

“Seventeen. Eighteen.” Shane pointed between then. She was still looking between them, chewing her lip. “I used to work in a chipper, so I can work a fryer, if...”

“That sounds grand, but...” She looked at Kian. “When do you turn eighteen?”

“Next April?”

“You're cheaper, then.” She nodded. She reached under the till, pulled the apron back out. “Lunch rush is about to start. You've got two hours to impress me.”

 


	7. Chapter 7

Life got a little easier after that. It was hectic, of course, once Kian started going to classes and spending the rest of his time in the cafeteria, loading out trays of chips and shoving burgers together. He had to wear a hair-net, and Shane had lost it laughing when he'd found out. He managed to cover it most of the time with a university baseball cap, but it always seemed there was an elastic mark across his forehead for hours afterwards.

Suzy was pretty cool, though. It was him, another boy, and three girls working there, and she was good at fitting the roster in around their individual classes. Apparently Pete was not her first terrible boyfriend, as she was fond of complaining about the various arseholes she'd dated while they were doing clean-up at night. And she let him take the leftovers home. He and Shane'd had re-heated oven pizza three times already that week, with a side of chicken salad cobbled together from what was left in the sandwich bar. Tonight's had bits of olives in it.

“Mam and Dad are coming down this weekend.” Kian said. Shane looked up, his face half-full of leftover mac and cheese. “Gonna bring down some of our stuff, if there's anything you want?” They hadn't brought much with them, had just brought basic clothes until they could figure out what they needed. And Kian's guitar of course.

Shane swallowed. They had the kitchen to themselves. Hamish was locked up in his bedroom again. Kian thought maybe they'd said two words to each other since he'd gotten here, though Shane said he'd once been asked whether he'd seen Hamish's keys. Shane was here more often, anyway. He was still looking for a job, had been trawling every newspaper and business he could find while he wasn't in classes, but hadn't had any luck. Kian didn't mind so much, now they had at least one income, but he could see it starting to get to Shane, feeling like he wasn't contributing.

“Um... maybe some more socks and boxers and stuff?” Shane suggested. “Clothes and that?”

“You running out?”

“Means we don't have to do laundry as often.” Shane pointed out. “Save a bit of money.”

“Cool.” Kian nodded. He stood up to grab one of his school notebooks, tore a blank page out and grabbed a pen. “Right. Clothes.” He jotted it down. “The CD player from my room?”  
  
“Yes please.” They'd brought their CDs with them, but been limited to sharing the Discman when they wanted music. “Will Hamish let us play music, do you think?”

“Does it matter?”

“When I got back from job-hunting, I found out he'd separated the whole fridge into 'ours' and 'his'.” Shane pointed out. It was true. There were post-it notes on everything, and a big empty gap down the whole thing, with their stuff on the left and his on the right. Kian suspected it had something to do with the single piece of bread Shane had eaten last week, thinking it was theirs. There had been a note about that too, pinned to their bedroom door.

“Well, if he doesn't like it, I'm sure we'll get a note.” Kian sighed, twirling the pen. A foot stroked his leg under the table and he smiled and nudged back. “Going to get them to bring the bigger amp for the guitar.” He wrote that down too. He had a little speaker, but it was tinny and ineffective. “Thought I'd see if I could do a bit of busking maybe, try for a few bob that way.”

“You going to have time?” Shane looked concerned. Kian nodded.

“Yeah. I've got two hours between classes on Thursdays when I'm not working. Find a spot out on the grass somwehere and do it there?”

“That's the only gap we have together.”

“It's the only gap I have at all.” Kian explained. “We'll see each other at night.”

“Okay.” Shane looked a bit downcast at that, so Kian stood up, leaned across the table and kissed him gently on the cheek, got a smile. A hand covered his, and Shane looked up. “Can I come watch?”

“Of course.” Kian laughed. He sat back down. “I'd insist. Need my audience.” He pulled the chair around the table, close enough to kiss Shane on the cheek. A head sank onto his shoulder. He reached out for the bit of paper. “Now, how many pairs of socks do you want?”

 

*

 

Waking up with Kian was the best part of Shane's day. It was slow and sleepy, with no real sense of urgency, like the whole world had been paused just long enough for Kian's eyes to flutter open. Then he'd slowly look at Shane like he was seeing him for the first time in years, yawn, and smile at him.

And then, no matter what else happened that whole day.... no matter how hard or boring Shane's classes were, or how frustrating his job hunt was, or how down he was... he'd just think of that simple, delighted look and it would all be okay.

He was sat under a tree on the lawn, watching Kian play guitar over near the footpath, hampered slightly by the thick jacket he had taken to wearing as the weather got colder. It was a good spot, caught a lot of the students coming out of the library and nearby faculty building. He was playing crowd-pleasers, lots of pop rock and radio ballads, though occasionally he'd throw out a cheeky rendition of Barbie Girl or a song from a Disney film, which usually earned him a couple of extra quid for the novelty factor. Right now he was finishing up on Wonderwall and launching into Hand in My Pocket, voice going all twangy while he rocked out some Alanis Morissette and drawing a small crowd of girls wearing far too much flannel and ripped denim.

Shane looked down at his textbook, trying to remember that he should probably be studying. Exams were coming up fast. He couldn't believe it had been over two months. Two months of studying, and searching, and watching Kian slave away in the cafeteria, bring home food and pay while Shane stared at his rapidly dwindling savings account and remembered he only had it because Kian's parents had given him the money.

And Kian was... fuck, he was so perfect Shane wanted to punch something. Not even flinching at paying for groceries, telling Shane to hang on to his money in case he needed it. They got free meals at the cafeteria anyway, or Kian did, but he'd always grab extra, make sure Shane was slipped some pie, or a sandwich, or fries. Dinner was on Kian too. Last night they'd had half a vegetarian quiche that hadn't moved during the day, along with a tub of chocolate ice-cream Kian had picked up on the way home with his own money.

Part of him was angry. Pissed off that Kian had been given the cafeteria job when Shane was arguably more qualified. But that was it. He wasn't qualified for anything, and what he was qualified for he was too old for, when dozens of other new university students had just hit town and were still seventeen.

And then he really wanted a fucking drink.

He couldn't afford it, though. And he wasn't about to ask Kian for the money. Say, hey, I could really go a bottle of vodka because I'm pretty fucking depressed about not having money to buy vodka with.

“Thanks, love.” Kian was winking at a girl who had just dropped some money in the case, and she giggled, dashing over to stand with her friends and beginning to blush. “Right, this one's for the cute blonde who just tossed me a fiver.” Then he started up on The Only Thing That Looks Good On Me Is You and her friends started to squeal. Shane snorted, getting a wink on the second verse.

“ _But there's only one thing that fits like it should...”_

“Charmer.” Shane mumbled under his breath, though he felt a smile split his face, bit his lip to cover it. Kian gave him another wink, his eyes laughing while he finished off the song.

“Right...” Kian said a few minutes later, when he'd joined Shane under the tree and begun to sort through the takings. “That's... twenty-six pound eighty, a lolly wrapper, a button and...” He picked up a small bit of paper. “Some lad's phone number.”

“Ooh...” Shane reached out, snatching it from his hand. Kian laughed, leaning over to look at it. “Eric, is it? You dog.”

“Didn't you know about Eric?” Kian teased. “He's that lad I've been seeing behind your back.”

“It's fine. I've been seeing him too.”

“No! You cheat!” A kiss touched his cheek. “Knew I couldn't trust you.”

“Never.” Shane scrunched up the paper, tossed it back to bounce off Kian's forehead and onto the grass. Kian growled, tackling him lightly and starting to tickle. Shane squealed. It wasn't very manly, but there it was. Fingers danced under his ribs while he giggled, trying to buck Kian off. He was let go a minute later and sat up, breathless and still laughing, putting his arms up in defence when Kian made a feint at him, fingers out. He got a hug instead.

“Love you.” Kian said. Shane hugged back, glancing at his watch over Kian's shoulder.

“Gotta go.” He didn't want to say it. Wanted to stay here with arms around his waist. Kian nodded, though, and let go.

“I'll walk you.” They helped each other up, and in fairly short order were headed towards Shane's lecture hall, joined hands swinging between them, Kian's guitar slung over his shoulder and amp in one hand. Shane offered to help, but Kian declined. As usual.

“What would you do if I did sleep with someone else?” Shane asked. He wasn't sure why he had, just that it seemed like relevant conversation after the mild scandal of Kian's phone number.

“I don't know.” Kian shrugged. “Are you likely to?”

“No.” Shane pursed his lips. “Just wondering.”

“Oh.” The hand in his squeezed tight. “I guess... I don't know. I like to think maybe I'd forgive you. This has never been...” He paused, hefting the amp. “I don't know. I like the sex. The sex is fantastic. But it's never been the point, so... I don't know. I feel like you're my best friend. I'd hate to lose it over something as silly as a fuck. You know, if it was a one-time stupid thing. People make mistakes.”

“It's a pretty big mistake.”

“Yeah but...” Kian sighed. “I love you. I love every single bit of you.” Shane felt his cheeks heat slightly. “If there was a bit of you that wanted to shag someone else, even for a second, I guess I'd have to love that too. I wouldn't want you to lie to me because you felt guilty. I think it would hurt worse if you did it and lied.”

“What, so I can shag whoever as long as I tell you?” Shane teased. Kian nudged him.

“Not what I'm saying.” Kian chuckled. “I don't know. What would you do if I cheated on you?”

“I don't know.” Shane echoed. He hadn't thought about it before. Fingers left his hand, came around his waist for a second to squeeze, then slipped back into his grip. “I suppose if it was just a fuck, like some stupid thing...” He thought back to his own transgression with that lad at the party. He barely even remembered the guy's face anymore. It hadn't been wanted, but people did slip sometimes. In the moment. He knew that more than anyone. “It's not the same as with us. We're... together. The sex is part of the whole thing, not the point of it. It's that I can talk to you. That you take care of me.” That idea sat bitterly in the back of his throat. He wanted to take care of Kian back, more than anything. “So I think I'd get over it. If it didn't mean anything. It'd be a different thing if you were like... dating them behind my back or something.”

“I barely have enough energy to date you.” Kian snorted. Shane smiled, leaning into his shoulder. His hand was let go. “I have to go. I'm due at work in five minutes.”

“Yeah.” Shane nodded. They did this every Thursday. Shane finished his classes at seven, and Kian knocked off around eight, so Shane would go wait for him and they'd get the bus home together. It was nice, falling into this routine they'd managed to create for themselves. “I'll miss you.”

“Good.” Kian kissed his cheek. “I'll miss you back.”

 

*

 

“Lift.”

Shane did, kicking his feet up onto the chair opposite while Kian pushed the mop underneath the table, then dropped back down when he moved on.

“Thanks.”

“Sure.” Shane covered his mouth against a yawn, looking sleepy. Kian reached out, ruffling his hair with one pruny hand. He'd just finished scrubbing the counters for the next day, and now it was floors while Suzy cleaned the stove. “You want some help?”

“Erm... yeah, okay, if you want to help stacking chairs?”

“Cool.” Shane got up, looking delighted. Kian didn't really need the help but he knew Shane had been feeling down about not contributing. And hell, it was one more crap thing he didn't have to deal with. He watched Shane start to lift them, propping them upside down on the tables. Kian followed, shoving the mop under the tables he was clearing.

“Thanks.” He leaned in when they were done, got a kiss on the cheek, and a catcall from the kitchen.

“No snogging on the clock!”

“Sorry!” He called back. She rolled her eyes, shaking a scourer menacingly in their direction. Shane laughed.

“Sorry Suzy.”

“Don't be. This one's a bad influence.” She pointed at Kian. “Should have hired you instead, Shane.”

“That's what I keep saying.” He smiled, but Kian could see it there. The slight bitterness. He hadn't meant to get the job over Shane, but they'd needed the money at the time and he'd just been glad one of them had an income. “No accounting for taste.”

“I want to taste an accountant.” Kian murmured. Shane rolled his eyes.

“That's the worst fucking pun I've ever heard.”

“You're the worst pun I've ever heard.” Kian shot back. Shane laughed, shoving him.

“So still no luck?”

“No.” Shane grabbed a chair back down and sat while Kian began to drag the bucket back to the kitchen. It was getting dark out. “Trying, but... I think just about every place in town has gotten used to seeing my face.” That was probably true. Shane was getting a really good knowledge of the layout of Dublin now, while Kian was still limited to a few familiar areas and the university grounds. It wasn't that he didn't leave the house, it was just with work and school he barely had time, and they didn't exactly have the money to go out.

He hadn't said anything, but he was putting a little bit aside every week. For something. He wasn't sure yet. Taking Shane to dinner, maybe, or buying him something. He didn't want Shane to know, knew he wouldn't take it well and think it was charity, but once Shane had a job Kian wanted to do something nice for him.

“You tried nightclubs and that? Could be a bartender job or...?”

“Yeah.” Shane nodded. “Tried everywhere. No luck.”

“My brother runs at The Brass Snake on Grafton Street. He's looking for someone to run the late night.” She tilted her head, looking at him. Kian felt his heart speed up. “You worked bar before?”

“No.” Shane shook his head. “I did ask there, but... I can learn. I'll do anything. I'll clean. Whatever you like. I can do it.”

“I daresay you can.” She pursed her lips. “You got tomorrow off?” He nodded. “Cool. Go round to the bar around... seven tomorrow night? I'll call and put in a good word for you. Ask for Luke.”

“I... yeah. Shit. Thanks Suzy.” Kian watched him get up and hug her. She let out a surprised laugh, and Kian grinned, putting a hand on his back when he pulled away. “Sorry.”

“It's fine. Too bad you're not straight, eh?” She winked. Shane started to blush.

“You can't have him.” Kian gave her a teasing glare, grabbing Shane around the waist. “This one's mine.”

 

*

 

Kian took him out to the bar. Shane said he didn't have to, but he did anyway, holding his hand on the bus and tidying up the outfit he'd helped pick before he went inside.

“You're going to be amazing.”

“Don't jinx it.”

“You're always amazing.” Kian adjusted the collar of his jacket. He hadn't been sure what to wear, but Kian had helped him pick out a pair of black trousers, a green sweater and a brown leather jacket that was technically Kian's and had come down in a box when his parents had visited. They'd been down three times now, taking them out to lunch and bringing anything they needed, and every time Shane felt a little more ashamed to tell them that no, he didn't have a job yet. “I'd buy a drink off ya.” He winked. “And then I'd slip you my number.”

“Flirt.” Shane snorted. “Okay. Cool.” He took a deep breath, feeling nervous. He was usually not, not when he was just going around with his resume. But this was something. Maybe. And if he fucked it up it was personal. Suzy had called that morning to let them know Luke was giving him a trial shift. He'd been given a leg-up and he wanted to be able to show he was worth it.

“Go be gorgeous.” Kian encouraged.

“Will that help me get the job?”

“Maybe.” Kian snorted. “Luke's gay.”

“Is he?” Shane was surprised. Nobody had mentioned anything. “You didn't say.”

“I told you Suzy had a gay brother. Weeks ago.”

“Yeah, but you didn't...” Shane looked over his shoulder, not sure now. Despite everything, he still didn't actually know anybody else who was gay. Maybe he was a bit sheltered living in Sligo but he'd never thought about it. There were probably some in his classes, but he'd been so caught up with the job-hunting and studying he really hadn't made any friends. Unless you counted Hamish.

“You're totally sexy, and you can do this.” Kian finished tidying his hair. “I believe in you.”

“You're mad.” He bit his lip. A kiss nudged his forehead.

“You're worth it.” Kian smiled. Shane felt like he wanted to cry. He wasn't. The last thing he'd been through this whole crazy thing was worth it, though he'd tried his hardest to be. But every time he tried to contribute, or support, or help, it was always Kian stepping up ahead and doing it for him. Fingers cupped his cheek. “And if you don't get this, you'll get another one. It's not the end of the world.”

“Okay.” Shane looked down, too overwhelmed to make eyecontact. Kian hugged him anyway. “Thanks.”

“I'll wait up for you.”

“You don't...” Two in the morning was going to be late. Kian cut him off with a kiss.

“I'll wait up.” He promised.

 

*

 

Kian must have been dozing on the couch, because when he woke there was a warm, soft body climbing into his lap. He opened his eyes, smiling up into brown eyes.

“How'd it go?” He yawned. Shane grinned, his face all happiness, and hugged him.

“I got a job.”

 


	8. Chapter 8

The cafe was warm and busy at this time of the morning. They'd slept in late – sort of had to after their late night. Kian had grabbed Shane, picked him up and hugged him hard, his feet off the floor for a second. Shane had laughed, grabbing onto his shoulders, and they'd had an impromptu dance party in the kitchen while Kian warmed up a few slices of celebratory apple pie he'd salvaged from the cafeteria.

Then they'd made slow, giggly love until four in the morning, wrapped around each other and snogging like they were breathing each other in, Kian's fingers moving in Shane's arse while he was taken deep, Shane's hand stroking him slowly and holding him on the edge so long he thought he might go mad.

And now it was ten-thirty on Saturday, Kian feeling sore and used and not missing the way Shane was shifting slightly in his seat, feeling so fucking happy he was sure the kitchen had slipped something in his eggs.

“So tell me about it!” He exclaimed, reaching across to grab the salt. He'd not been able to wait. Had grabbed the money he'd had put aside and demanded that he take Shane out for breakfast. Shane laughed and speared a piece of bacon on his fork.

“It was good.” He shrugged, though his face looked quietly proud. Kian wanted to lean over and kiss him, but food was in the way. “I just did the beer taps, mostly, and cleaning up glasses. I dunno. It wasn't that hard. Luke did all the fancy cocktails and I did like... basic spirits and that.”

“That's cool, though.” Kian pointed out. “You gonna learn the other stuff?”

“Yeah, he said he'd teach me tomorrow night.” Shane nodded. He had tonight off. “I'm basically just doing the same shifts as Luke until I get the hang of it. He's really nice.” He looked down at his food.

“Yeah? Good-looking?”

“Not my first thought.” Shane snorted, though from the pink spilling into his cheeks, Kian could tell that it had definitely been his second or third. “Why would I care? I've got you.”

“I didn't ask if you were going to sleep with him. I asked if he was cute.” Kian kicked his leg affectionately under the table, got a guilty smile. “You're allowed to fancy people.”

“Yeah, he's pretty cute.” Shane admitted. He looked back up, a nervous smile on his face. “You don't mind?”  
  
“Course not.” Kian shrugged. He'd been honestly checking out the arse of a lad who came in every day and ordered the pasta salad. It was a good arse. He liked Shane's better though. And anyway, with Shane's fairly regular guilty slumps, the last thing he needed was to make his boyfriend second-guess himself about something that didn't matter. “You going to sleep with him?”

“No.” Shane looked shocked. It was adorable. “God, no. Why would you think that?”

“I don't. That's what I'm saying.” Kian pointed out. He nudged Shane's foot again, got a grudging smile. “What was it like? Any fights?”

“No.” Shane shook his head, starting to pick at his sausage. Kian had gone all out, gotten him the full Irish on principle. He suspected it was the first meal they'd eaten in months that wasn't half-price or 'borrowed' from the cafeteria cast-offs. “It was just... noisy. Good music, but my ears are still sort of ringing. And fast. Sunday should be easier. I think I got thrown in the deep end a bit, being Friday night.”

“And you still floated, sounds like.” He could tell Shane was pleased with himself but didn't want to go bragging. If it was Kian, he'd be giving a play-by-play of every moment. “I'm really proud of you.” He said honestly.

“I don't know. Took me long enough.” Shane mumbled.

“You were just waiting for the right one.” Kian argued. He picked up his orange juice. “Here's to that.”  
  
“To the right one.” Shane agreed, clinking their glasses together.

 

*

 

The weekend was really nice. For once they actually had two days off to do nothing, instead of Kian having to work and Shane looking for a job. Even when Kian did have a day off, he'd spend most of the day following Shane around the city while he handed in resumes, or staying home trying to keep up on his studies in the scant free time he had. Shane had watched him get more and more tired as the weeks had gone by, working overtime and taking every shift he could, his textbook sometimes open under the register while he served.

Shane would do the sums. Figure out how much they needed for the week ahead, for the month ahead. How much should be put aside, how much they could spend on things like soap and toothpaste. It was never quite enough, but they compromised by rugging up instead of running the heater, using the same tea-bag for both their cups. Creating tiny little inconveniences so they could do basic things like pay their student fees. But today Kian had taken him out for breakfast, and Shane had three more shifts lined up for this week, with forty pounds cash in his pocket for last night. His feet felt like they were floating, with only Kian's hand tethering him to the ground.

Hamish was out when they got home. Shane only knew because his keys weren't on the hook by the door. They put on the radio, turned it up loud, and sang along to the Top 40 while they played cards, cross-legged on the couch and facing each other with a pillow on their joined laps to use as a table, the loser leaning across to kiss the winner after every hand. Kian made an early dinner of instant noodles and what was left of their broccoli and carrot. They snuggled against one end of the couch to eat, and then Shane popped down to the vending machine in the lobby to splash out on a packet of Salt & Vinegar Taytos, which they ate watching TV, Shane nodding off against Kian's side.

The next day they woke up late. Kian was fast asleep still, so Shane went to take a shower, looking up in surprise when the door opened.

“Hello.” A hand stroked down his back, slippery in the water. Shane leaned into it. He was kissed a moment later, his arms coming up to wrap around strong shoulders.

“Hey.” Shane replied. A nose nuzzled his. “You were asleep.”

“Not any more.” Kian looked down meaningfully. Shane smirked, feeling an excited twinge run through him, then flesh rub against him, hands drifting down to cup his arse and pull in. “Do your back?”

“I'd appreciate it.” Shane nodded. He was turned around, nudged forward slightly. The bar of soap began to make slow circles on his shoulder. “Don't waste that. Soap's expensive.” He advised. Kian snorted.

“Wasn't going to.” It ran lower, making firm circles on the small of his back, then lower again. He growled as it slid between his arse cheeks, heard a laugh. “See?”

“Mmm...” Shane agreed, letting his eyes fall closed as the soap ran lower, rubbed against him. He whimpered. Pushed back. Felt it run lower, over the back of his balls, then up again. It was put back in the soap tray a second later, Kian's fingers following the same slippery path. He braced his arms against the wall, leaned his forehead into them. Hands slid down his arse, thumbs pushing together down the valley, pulling him open. “Oh.” He gasped. Teeth scraped down his spine.

“Gonna try something.” Kian murmured. Shane looked back, saw blonde hair full of water, hesitant blue eyes looking up while his boyfriend crouched in the bottom of the stall. “You mind?” Shane shook his head, not at all sure but willing to go with it if it was Kian. Thumbs pushed down again, spreading, and he looked back at the wall, steadying himself.

“Oh god.” He whispered, jerking when a tongue slid down. It was the oddest feeling. Sort of like fingers, but softer, wetter, more wriggly. He felt it move, pressing against him and jerked again, surprised by the sudden delicate rush of pleasure, of nerve endings firing in confusion.

He felt a nose bury itself in his crack, the tongue start to twist in slightly, then pull back, making slow circles around the edge. He heard himself make a garbled moan that echoed loudly off the tiles, the shockingly intimate feeling too much for him to keep quiet. Heard Kian make a soft, moaning laugh in reply, felt it echo through when teeth nipped lightly at his entrance.

“Fucking hell.” He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to think against the torture, trying to brace his feet on the slippery floor when his knees gave out a little. He felt... loosened, almost, impossibly tight at the same time, like his whole body was trying to make sense of the press of wet muscle, of the thumbs spreading him open while it prodded slowly in, lapping his walls open while he made a sound that was embarrassingly like a squeal. He reached down to grab himself, the intensity too much, began to stroke slowly, trying to spread the sensation a bit so he didn't go mad.

Kian let out another moan that seemed to vibrate up through him and come out his own mouth. He gripped tighter, and when he looked back Kian was holding him open with one hand, the other dropping to stroke himself, his eyes closed while he sank into Shane, his tongue in all the way but too much like not enough.

“God. Oh.” His hand clawed at the tiles, trying to find purchase. “Ki. God. Need...” Didn't know. Didn't know what. “Fuck. Condom. Need...” He must have made some sort of sense, because Kian was standing, reaching out of the shower and digging into his toiletries bag. There was the rip of foil, hands covering his and fuck, he didn't need any preparation. Not with Kian nudging against him, circling, then pushing forward, making Shane cry out as softened muscles gave way and teeth nipped at his neck.

“So good.” It was a soft growl against his nape. He pushed back, heard another growl, the slap of water between them as Kian built a rhythm. His hand was pulled from the wall, crossed over his chest while their fingers entwined and he leant back a little, felt Kian spoon to him in the stall. Holding onto him. He wanted to reach out, to grab, find his balance. It felt like he was riding a bike with no hands, but it didn't fucking matter, not with arms around him, strong legs holding them sure on the slippery tiles. Water cascaded down his face, dripping out of his hair and over his closed eyes while Kian worked him, fingers closed over his fist and guiding him into a rhythm that stole his breath.

“Please...” He whispered, feeling his climax shiver up his spine, catch at the tip of every nerve. A tongue licked around his ear, the same tongue that...

He felt his knees buckle. Felt Kian grab him tighter, steady him and keep him safe. There was a gasp in his ear.

“I've got you.”

“I love you.” Shane managed. Felt that grip tighten, felt teeth nip his ear, and then he was gone. Spiralling out with the water beating down on both of them while Kian held him up.

 

*

 

Shane kept making this goofy face that was maybe the cutest thing Kian had ever seen. He was doing it now. Kian had just gotten up to go to the bathroom, and when he got back his boyfriend was staring into space with a faraway smile quirking his lips.

He didn't know what had made him do it. All he'd known was that Shane looked beautiful, stood in the shower, water running down his back and trickling into the crack of his arse, and Kian had just needed to follow it with his tongue, slide down a slender back and into the crease, taste him from the inside out.

He hadn't expected the reaction, entirely. Figured it would probably feel okay if fingers did, but the way Shane had completely fallen apart had been nicely inspiring. Burying his face in that slightly hairy, sweet valley and feeling Shane rock, feeling him loosen and open on his tongue, his cries like music while he'd shuddered, begged, moaned, and Kian hadn't been able to deny him, had felt him spread like butter when he'd pushed forward, buried himself deep.

“Shay?”

“Hmmm...?” He turned slowly, blinking in a way that was still sort of dazed. Kian smirked.

“You okay?”

“Mm.” Shane chewed his lip for a moment. “Um... you licked me.”

“I did.” Kian laughed. His boyfriend sounded thoroughly lost. “Was it okay?”

“It was nice.” He let out a deep breath, then that goofy smile came back. “It was really nice.” He said quietly.

“Good.” Kian stepped closer. Dropped a kiss on his hair over the back of the couch. Shane looked up.

“I um... was it weird? Like... was it gross?”

“No.” He climbed over and slid in behind Shane, thighs spreading to capture him, and wrapped arms around his waist. “It was fine. You were all clean anyway.” He got a kiss, smiled into it. It had been fine. He'd sort of registered what the flavour probably was, but it hadn't mattered when Shane was starting to beg and everything was loosening up. “You were all wet and soapy, and suddenly I needed to lick you all over.”

“What are you gonna lick next? My armpits?” Shane laughed.

“If you want.” He grabbed Shane's arm, started trying to push back his sleeve. Got a ticklish giggle while Shane tried to fight him off. He nipped the underneath of his arm, started to bite inwards and was shoved away lightly, Shane still laughing and squirming. “What? You said...” He pounced again, yanking at his shirt.

“Stop...” Shane squealed, batting at him with both hands while Kian pinned him to the couch. The older boy was wriggling, gasping out breathless cackling bursts that shook him. It was infectious, and a second later Kian was collapsed on top of him, unable to help the shuddering laughter that came from feeling so good he couldn't do anything else.

They calmed down after a bit. Kian looked up, his head still on Shane's chest, which was still hitching with small hiccuping chuckles. Caught bright eyes filled with relief and contentment.

“I missed you.” Kian said quietly. Shane pursed his lips.

“When?”

“I don't know. Just lately.” He reached up, running two fingers down the bridge of a perfect nose. Brown eyes were still staring at him in bemusement. “Are you happy?”

“Yeah.” Shane nodded, his eyes softening as he looked back at Kian. “I'm getting there.”

 

*

 

Shane liked Luke. He was tallish, with a broad, friendly face that reminded him a little of Gary Barlow, shoulder-length hair the same red as his sister's that he wore in a messy ponytail.

Shane hadn't been sure at first how familiar he should be, what the right level of professionalism was when his own work experience had consisted of mucking around with his sisters and yelling across the kitchen at his brothers, but by his fifth shift he felt confident enough to have a bit of a laugh.

Luke was good at being professional while still being great fun. He was one of those people who called everyone 'darling' and treated every customer like a best friend, even the drunk idiots. Shane had juts finished serving one, a sloppy-looking blonde who had probably looked great when she'd done her hair and slap and now looked like she was anybody's, laughing too loud and hanging off her plastered friends.

“Shane, babe, on your three!”

Shane turned, and sure enough there was a woman there waiting with a tenner and an expectant look. She was clearly pushing middle-age, was trying to hide it with careful makeup and a dress that was a bit tight. Shane asked for her ID, a trick he'd seen Luke perform on this type earlier in the night, and when she walked away with a giggly flush and a Cosmo, there was the clink of coins in the tip jar.

It was ten when he got his break, waving at his replacement, a short girl named Julie, and going to sit out back with a sandwich Kian had made him before he'd left and a textbook open on his knees. It was almost November already, exams coming up fast and the streets packed despite the sting of cold constantly in the air. The Thursday crowd was mostly students, people his age with little concept of a weekend and an apparent amazement at the novelty of legally buying their own drinks. He'd already seen a few faces he recognised from class.

When he got back the bar was backed up while Luke grudgingly put together a Mojito for a cute blonde guy with crooked teeth and tight jeans. Cocktails were the worst. They took forever, especially when the people waiting in the queue only wanted a beer and were getting restless. Julie was trying to serve a few drunk guys who seemed to be more interested in complaining about the football than actually telling her what they wanted.

“Guy in the red's been waiting.” Luke pointed. Shane nodded, turning to sort it out.

By the time he finished it was after three. He'd offered to stay late to help close after one of the other guys had called in sick. The two of them had been flat out until Julie had arrived to pick up slack, and he didn't think Luke had even taken a break. Shane hung up his apron, wiping sweat from his forehead with beer-sticky hands.

“That was manic.” Luke laughed, locking the door. Shane had just finished sweeping up. The place looked so different empty and with the lights up. “How you getting home?”

“Bus.” Shane shrugged, patting the carefully counted change in his pocket. He was getting used to it now, riding on the almost empty bus with tired-looking shift workers and a few drunks.

“I'll give you a ride. Pay you back for staying late.”

Shane was about to protest, but the extra money would definitely help, along with the tips in the box he was keeping in his locker. There wasn't much there, but he wanted to save it. Maybe get Kian something decent for Christmas.

“Good work tonight.” Luke said as they pulled out of the carpark. “You stepped up.”

“I was just trying to keep my head above water.” Shane admitted, feeling himself flush a little. “That was mad. Are Thursdays always like that?”

“Wait until classes stop before exams.” Luke laughed. “It goes crazy. Like everyone's forgotten they're supposed to be studying.” He glanced over at Shane. “How's your uni going, by the way? You coping alright with the late hours?”

“Yeah.” Shane nodded. He'd barely talked to Luke before now, really, had always been stuck with twenty people between them asking for shots. “It's fine. I sort of just fit in sleep where I can.” Luckily he had all his classes in blocks, could either crash in the afternoon or sleep in in the morning to catch up. “It's more missing my boyfriend.” He admitted. “He works days, I work nights..."

It had been difficult. The worst was still being asleep some days when Kian woke to go to class or work, missing those perfect first-thing-in-the-morning sleepy moments that had always been the high point of his day. Waking to find Kian getting out of the shower already, or kissing his cheek before he left.

“That's hard.” Luke agreed. “My bloke works days too. Wears a suit, too, like a grown up.”

“Yuck.” Shane pulled a face, but part of him did remember what Kian had said about Shane tying him to the bed last time suits had been mentioned. And yes, that definitely had to happen one of these days. “How long you been together?”

“Twelve years.” Luke snorted. Shane felt his jaw drop a little. Luke didn't look that old. Maybe thirty-two or thirty-three.

“Holy shit.” Shane whistled. “Nice one.”

“Yeah, I don't know. He just kind of stuck.” He paused at a set of lights, glanced over again. “You and your lad?”

“Almost two years.” God, had it been that long already? That was insane. Two years since Kian had fallen on top of him while they'd giggled and all Shane had been able to see was damp, parted lips, all his other senses taken up with the scent, touch, sound of the boy he didn't know he'd already fallen in love with. And then the taste and...

“He a keeper?”

“He's the best thing that ever happened to me.” Shane said honestly. His cheeks felt a little pink. He realised he'd never said that out loud before. Had no one to say it to. Luke smiled, and he realised he was swooning a little. “He's a musician.”

“Ooh, bad boy rock star?”

“Sort of.” Shane smirked. “Likes to think he is. All rock and metal and that, but he'll bust out a version of Can You Feel The Love Tonight on the piano that'll make you cry.” Luke snorted.

“I'll take your word for it.”

 

*

 

Kian felt an arm come around his waist, linked his hand with the fingers gently stroking his stomach.

“Hey.” He mumbled, not bothering to open his eyes. A kiss touched the back of his neck.

“Hey.” Shane whispered. “Go back to sleep.”

 


	9. Chapter 9

It was cold when Kian woke on the first morning of revision week. He pulled the blankets tighter around himself, snuggling into a warm body that wrapped around him in sleep.

He'd heard Shane come in around three that morning, smelling of cigarettes and beer the way he always did. It had become a sort of comforting smell the last month or so, the scent that meant Shane was back, was curling around him and being exactly where he was supposed to be.

He'd been much better these last few weeks. Tired, of course, but in an accomplished way that looked sweet and content. Kian missed him badly those three or four nights, going to bed by himself, feeling a cold, empty space next to him, but it was worth it for the other times, watching Shane be more himself than he could remember in a long time, his eyes brighter whenever he looked Kian's way.

He lifted his head to kiss closed eyelids, first one and then the other, felt them flutter slightly under his lips and arms tighten on his waist. A kiss touched his chin, brown eyes opening when he pulled away.

“Morning.” Shane croaked. His eyes were a little red, but they locked with Kian's steadily. “It's cold.”

“Yeah.” Kian nodded, leaned into to press his cold nose to Shane's. “It's only four weeks until Christmas.”

“That's mad.” Shane shook his head. “Do you think it'll snow?”

“I hope so.” He reached up, running fingers through dark hair. Shane had cut it last week. The floppiness was gone, and now it was short and loose. He'd spike it up for work. Kian hadn't been sure at first, when he'd said he was getting it done, but it made him look painfully cute, and it was one of the first selfish things either of them had bought since they'd moved here, even if it was half-price at the barber college. “How was work?”  
  
“It was fine.” Shane's mouth opened in a yawn. “Served some drinks.” He reached under the blanket, pulling Kian's hands up and breathing on them to warm them up, his lips brushing over the knuckles in a kiss when he was done. “I missed you.”  
  
“I missed you too.” Kian agreed. He had. There were days where they didn't even see each other. He'd have his last class, and by the time he got out Shane would have already started his shift. Then he'd be asleep when Shane got home, and would have to leave for work before Shane woke. There'd be moments, the vague feeling of a body warming his when Shane slid into bed, or kissing him before he left and torn between letting him sleep and accidentally-on-purpose waking him. Not all the way, just enough to see the sleepy slivers of brown eyes under long lashes, the small quirk of a fond smile. Just to hear Shane's voice, even for a moment. “We're on skeleton staff during revision week, so I only have to go in Wednesday and Friday.” It was a small blessing, a chance to see Shane during the day, but it did make him a little nervous, knowing he was losing three shifts out of the week. Their rent was due soon, and the busking was only halfway to covering it.

“We can have lunch together.” Shane smiled and leaned in to kiss him. Kian returned it, felt arms edge around his waist and tug him in. Shane was hard, rubbing slowly against him while they kissed. The happy sigh that brushed Kian's lips was soft and wanting, fingers pushing down the back of his pyjama bottoms. “We can do this all day.”

“We have to study.”

“We can do this some of the day.” Shane amended. Kian laughed. “Can we do this now?”

“Yeah.” Kian agreed, capturing his mouth again while hands palmed his arse. The lips left his, slid down his throat, and he sighed, settling into the feeling of Shane beginning to reclaim him. “That'd be nice.”

 

*

 

Shane's wrist bloody hurt. He'd been working on his essay for almost two hours and he was fairly sure his hand was about to fall off with cramp. Kian was sat at the other end of the couch, headphones in while he scribbled notes on a piece of sheet music. Then he'd pause, erase what he'd written, rewind a little, and press play again, his foot propped up on his knee and making slow movements in the air like a baton. Shane knew he was supposed to be writing, but his eyes kept getting drawn back to lips pursed in concentration, determined blue eyes veiled by long blonde hair.

“I love you.” He said quietly. Knew Kian couldn't hear him, but said it anyway, reaching out one foot to stroke the one planted on the couch seat. He saw eyes flick up, just for a minute, a smile tweak at full lips, and that was enough. He looked back down at his essay, feeling Kian's smile touch his mouth.

They went for a walk after lunch. Shane needed it. His legs were getting stiff and so was his mind, staring at figures all morning. By the time they got to the park on the corner they were shivering slightly in the cold, breaths coming in white puffs of cloud. When they got back they turned up the heat a little bit, regardless of the fact that Hamish was in and would probably leave a note about that. Kian fell asleep on the couch under a warm blanket they'd brought out to make up the difference, so Shane did too, laying his head on a broad chest and feeling a sleepy hand curve to the back of his head.

Tuesday was much the same. He went into work Tuesday night, and when he got back Kian was asleep on the couch again, the pages of half-written essay spilling off his lap and onto the floor, his hands cold when Shane gently woke him and got him to bed.

By Friday he was going mad so got up and went in to the college with Kian, using the library while his boyfriend worked and studying in the cafeteria through lunch, refilling his mug from the coffee-machine and getting pieces of blueberry pie snuck out to him. Kian came in to work with him afterwards, settling himself in the corner of the bar while it was still quiet and opening his textbooks.

“You're good at that.” He commented. Shane looked up.

“Sorry?”

“The... cocktail thing.” Kian had never been in before, not while he was working. It was comforting, having him there while Shane worked, just in his peripheral vision while he got jugs of beer and soft drinks for the early-evening crowd of older blokes and families.

“This?” Shane tossed the shaker, giving it a slight spin, and was stupidly relieved when he caught it again, not at all sure that the trick was going to pay off. Kian laughed. “Strawberry Margarita.”

“It looks hard.”

“It isn't, really.” He'd got the hang of it quite quickly. The recipes were all taped to the shelf anyway, so it was just a case of putting everything together.

“It's sort of hot.”

“If you want to see something really hot, wait until someone orders a Sex on the Beach.”

“Bit cold, in this weather.” Rain was starting to strike the roof and people coming in were shaking water out of their hair, umbrellas going in the increasingly full bucket near the door. It would probably pick up later, but at the moment the place seemed more of a shelter than a destination. Julie had run out to move her car in case it got worse, and Shane hadn't felt rushed at all in the fifteen minutes she'd been gone.

“You'd better get home before it gets too bad.”

“You trying to get rid of me?”

“No.” Shane finished off the margaritas and started to pour into sugared glasses. “If it was up to me you'd stay all night.” That got a smile. “But you'll have to get the bus and I don't want you getting stuck or sick.”

“What about you?”

“Luke'll give me a ride if it's bad.”

Or if it wasn't. Luke drove Shane home most nights now. He felt a little bad for inconveniencing him, but the older man was great craic and promised it was on his way. He hadn't mentioned it to Kian and wasn't sure why. Maybe because it wasn't that big of a deal. Anyway, it was just Luke. He was a good guy.

He was coming in the front door now, nodding at Shane. Shane waved back.

“How's it been?”

“Quiet.”

“Not surprised. It's pissing down.” He slid in behind the bar, grabbed his apron as he went. “Can I get you anything, honey?”

“He's not allowed. He's seventeen.” Shane teased. Kian pulled a face. “Sorry. Luke; Kian.”

“So you're the lad he's always banging on about.” Luke exclaimed, reaching out a hand. “Nice to meet ya finally!”

“You too.” Kian went a little pink, gave Shane a questioning glance. “Sorry, Shane said it'd be okay if I just sat here for a bit...”

“Course it is!” Luke knotted his apron on. “You want a packet of crisps or something? I can do you a cheeky mocktail?”

“It's fine.” Kian glanced back down at his books. “I'm a bit strapped, so.”

“Ah, first five are free. Whaddaya want? Pick something off the list. I'll do you a non-alcoholic version.” He nudged the menu over. “Shane can make it. It'll be a training exercise.”

“Oh, I...” Kian took the list from his hand, smiling a little. “I dunno. Something to keep me awake while I study this crap?”

“Red Bull Fruit Tingle, coming up.” Luke announced. “Shane, darl, grab a shotty, a cocktail glass and a teaspoon.”

 

*

 

Kian liked Luke. He reminded him a lot of Suzy – friendly in a way that was upfront and cheeky. He had loads of energy, kept coming over to chat to him when Shane was tied up with customers. It was fun watching them work. He kept getting slid glasses of soft drinks, and by the time he went to leave it was almost ten and he'd had far too much sugar. He began to gather up his books, trying to find a break in the crowd to say goodbye.

“You off, sweetie?” Luke was coming past with a tray of empty glasses. “Can't do that. You're keeping the customers coming. Already had two lads asking if you bat for our team.”

“Yeah. Right.” Kian snorted. Luke winked.

“Seriously. Told 'em they have to check with the other bartender if they were interested.”

“One of them did.” Shane piped up. He was pulling a jug of beer but had obviously overheard. “I said 'piss of, mate, that one's mine'.” He winked at Kian, laughing. “You can do better, babe."

“I agree. Good looking lad, this one.” Luke added. Kian felt his cheeks spill with heat. “I know why you've been hiding him away, Shaney. Can't let a lad like this out on his own.”

“I'm sure he can take care of himself.” Shane finished serving, turned away from the register. Luke took his place. “He takes care of me alright. Mind if I walk him out?”

“Arh, go on you two lovebirds.” Luke grinned. Kian watched Shane tug off his apron. A second later he was around the bar and taking his hand.

“You'll be okay getting home?”

“I'll be fine.” Kian smiled, hefting his bag. It was dark, but it usually was by the time he got home these days. The air was cold and bracing when they stepped outside, but the rain had stopped for a bit and the water was shining bright rainbows off the footpath under the light of the pubs and restaurants lining the street.

“It wasn't too boring?”

“No. I liked watching you.” Kian admitted. “Got some work done too.”

“Good.” Fingers traced his cheekbone. It was cold, but Shane's fingers were warm. He leant into a kiss. “You're so fucking beautiful.”

“You too.” Kian caught his lips again. “Bed's too empty without you.”

“I'm sorry.” Shane said quietly. Kian shook his head.

“No. Don't be.” He cupped a square jaw, slid his fingers up into short hair. “I'm not angry or anything, I just miss you a little.”

“I miss you too.” Lips turned, captured his fingers for moment. Kian smiled, felt the touch warm his heart. “I'll be home soon, okay? Around three-thirty or four, probably. Do you want me to wake you when I get in?”

“Yes please.” Early on he'd slept through, but more and more he needed those moments, the reassurance that Shane was there, that they were making time for each other even when there was no time to spare. “Just for a minute. Make me a cup of tea and come get me. We can watch the sun come up before you go to bed.”

“Sounds grand.” Shane smiled. “Goodnight, babe. I love you.”

“I love you too.” Kian replied, hugging him tight.

 

*

 

“How did you go?”

“Good.” Shane poked at the plate of spaghetti bolognese Kian had pushed in front of him a minute before. He'd stumbled in from his second exam, his brain totally fried, and Kian had waved brightly before going back to the register until he could get a break. The cafeteria was packed. For once everybody actually had to be on campus, instead of skipping classes and putting things off like they usually did. Shane had only skipped one lecture all semester, when he'd been in bed with a cold. It seemed a bit pointless coming all this way and then slacking off, made him feel bad that Kian had upended his whole life if Shane wasn't putting in a hundred percent in return.

“How many you have left?”

“One more this afternoon, two tomorrow...” He was broken off by a yawn. He'd barely slept, had taken a slightly earlier shift before his morning exam, but still hadn't gotten home until one, and then had to be up at five. “...and one on Thursday.” He finished. “How are you going?”

“Fine, I think.” Kian sank down opposite him, biting into an apple he'd snagged from somewhere. “A lot of my assessment was performance and composition, so now I just have to get through a couple of listening tests and a few education exams.” He chewed thoughtfully. “Can't believe it's almost over for the year.”

“I know. Then holidays.” Shane shook his head. “Going to see if I can pick up a few extra nights at the Snake.”

“Don't know what I'm going to do.” Kian admitted. They'd both been thinking it, Shane knew. He'd seen Kian getting nervous as the weeks went by. Last week had been a real struggle, with only two shifts, and there was definitely not going to be any work over the holidays.

“More busking?”

“Think I'll have to.” Kian nodded. “At least I'll have free time.” He looked up at Shane. “I could do it at night, maybe, out near the restaurants. Then we can have the day together.”

“Okay.” Shane smiled. He liked that idea. Going back to how it had been. Getting to wake up with Kian every morning and snuggling up together every day. He wanted it even more now as the evenings got colder. It made missing Kian somehow worse, feeling the sting of cold on his cheeks when he went out on his break, knowing Kian was probably asleep and not able to miss him back, the blankets wrapped tight around him to make up for Shane's absence.

“Mam wants to know if we're coming home for Christmas.”

Shane bit his lip, feeling crawling panic go down his back. A hand curled into his.

“We don't have to.”

“No...” Shane closed his eyes, trying to think past the sudden surge of emotion. Home wasn't something he thought about. That he liked to think about. It was easier if he just thought of it as a blank space that Kian had somehow managed to emerge from, quietly taking his hand and turning him around so he didn't have to look at it any more.

But shit. Sligo.

Home.

“Shay...”

“It's just your parents.” Shane stated, though whether he was saying it to Kian or himself was another matter. “How long?”

“I don't know. Whatever you're okay with.” There was a look of delight trickling into Kian's face, making Shane feel awful for keeping him away from home so long. Kian loved his family. He didn't complain, but Shane could see the homesickness, see him hugging his parents extra tight on their occasional visits.

“Okay.” Shane decided. Kian had gone through hell for him, the least he could do was sit through a family dinner. “We can go for a few days, if you like?”

“Okay. Yeah.” Kian bit his lip over a grin. “Thanks.”

“Definitely.” Shane nodded, though the panic was still there, twisting in his stomach and scrambling up his throat. He swallowed it back, then changed the subject. “Hey, Luke invited us to his on Monday night, if you want to go? We're closed for the bank holiday, so he's having a party.”

“Cool.” Kian nodded. He finished his apple, tossing the core on the empty corner of Shane's tray. “I've got to get back to it. Come say goodbye when you go, okay?”

“Okay.” A kiss was dropped on his mouth when he craned his neck in invitation. “Wait for me? Last one should be done at six. We can get the bus home together.”

“Definitely.” He got another kiss. “One for luck.” Kian explained. Shane smiled, feeling a warm glow fill him while his boyfriend dashed back to the counter.

 

*

 

Kian felt off-balance as he stumbled out of his last exam. It was like he'd finally let out a breath he was holding, taken a deep gasp of air, and was now holding it again waiting for the results. It was easier, though, when he saw Shane standing in front of him, a questioning look on his face.

“It went okay.” Kian supplied before the question could be asked. A hand slid into his, the other coming around the back of his neck. “How was yours?”

“Brutal.” Shane kissed him, his mouth slow and wet. Kian sank into it, his eyes falling closed. “Wanted to do that the whole exam.” Shane murmured when he pulled back. Kian licked his lips, tasting what was left of his boyfriend's mouth. “Kept drifting off thinking about it.”

“I was distracting you?”

“Always.” A nose nuzzled his. “But I managed. Multiple choice.”

“Lucky.” Kian agreed. “Three essay questions.”

“Ouch.” Ouch was right. Kian had been scrambling badly on the last one, trying to scribble out how his particular specialisation could be adapted to special needs students. He'd known what he'd wanted to say, but his hand felt like stone after working his way through the other two questions. He buried his face in Shane's neck, letting out a groan.

“Let's go home and sleep for a week.”

“I've got work tonight.” Shane reminded him. He groaned again, heard a conciliatory laugh. “Sorry.”  
  
“It's fine.” They had talked about Shane having the night off so they could celebrate, but with Kian about to be essentially out of work for the next couple of months every penny counted. “Why don't we go home, have a sleep, and I'll stay up tonight and wait for you? I can make us breakfast.”

“What will you make?”

“Um...” He pursed his lips, trying to think, made harder by Shane kissing his cheek and beginning to tug him toward the bus-stop. “Toast.”

“Toast?”

“With eggs.” Kian decided.

“We don't have eggs.”

“I'll buy eggs.” Kian promised. “We deserve eggs.”

“We do deserve eggs.” Shane agreed. An arm came around his waist. “And salt and pepper.”

“And sauce?”

“Don't go mad.” Shane teased. Kian kissed his temple.

“Power bill's due.” Hamish's half was up already, clipped to the bill with a fridge magnet. “But we can do eggs.” He expected a response, but when he turned to look at Shane the older boy was looking slightly over his shoulder, eyes a bit dazed. “What?” He looked around. “Shane! You pervert!” He laughed.

“What?” Shane exclaimed, though he went bright red. Kian nudged him. “I liked his bag.”

“You liked his arse.” Kian argued. Shane was pulling away slightly, looking embarrassed. Kian tugged him back in. “It's a good arse.” He glanced over his shoulder again, watching it walk away. “Not my type, but definitely has a certain charm.” Fingers twisted back into his, cold in the winter air, though part of that probably had to do with the fact that all Shane's blood had gone to his face. “Look if you want to .” He prompted.

“You're not jealous?”

“Nah, course not.” Kian shrugged. This seemed to be a recurring thing with Shane. He did wonder if it had something to do with how conflicted he was about his sexuality. Whether it was easier to be in love with Kian than it was to admit he wanted boys in general. It wasn't something that made him feel threatened, but he did feel a little sad that Shane was so obviously beating himself up over his feelings. If anyone could find a way to catch guilt in a net, it was Shane. “If it'll make you feel better, I'll look at that guy's arms.” There was a guy crossing over the path nearby, his muscles bulging out of a t-shirt that was not at all appropriate for the weather. “Bet he works out.”

Shane was still red, but was looking at him, chewing his lip. Kian looked back.

“What are you thinking?”

“I don't know.” Shane frowned. “You fancy that lad?”

“He's good-looking, yeah.” Kian nodded. “I don't want to take him home. I don't love him. I'm just saying, if I was single I definitely wouldn't mind getting on top of that.”

“Oh.” Shane pursed his lips. “He's a lot bigger than me.”

“He's different.” Kian explained. “Lots of people are different. I want you.” He nuzzled Shane's cheek. “Who else is going to take care of me?”

“ _You_ take care of _me.”_ Shane said softly. Kian knew it was sort of true, but it wasn't something he wanted to say out loud and have Shane get guilty again. He liked doing it. Shane was worth taking care of, and it wasn't like he was doing it selfishly. Shane had needed help and Kian had just wanted Shane. It was easy. “But that lad had a nice bum.” It sounded like it almost hurt him to say it.

“He did.” Kian agreed, kissing his cheek. “But I like yours better."

 


	10. Chapter 10

Luke's place was nice. They arrived just after eight to find Luke, his boyfriend Will and about six of their friends sitting around a firepit in the backyard, beer in hand. Shane grabbed one for himself, tossing Kian one, who looked surprised and then shrugged, letting Luke open it with the bottle-opener on his keys.

“Off the clock.” Luke winked. “Anyway, if you can shag Shane, I'm sure a drink won't kill you.”

“He'd need a drink to shag me.” Shane joked. Kian snorted, taking a sip of his beer. It was warm out here, the fire holding out the cold when they dragged folding chairs closer. The stereo was on, and a jacuzzi was bubbling away in the corner, two other guys sitting in there having a chat.

All of Luke's friend were fit. Cool, too. They settled into conversation, and more people began to slowly arrive. No girls, which Shane thought was a bit odd, but not exactly disappointing. He grabbed himself a handful of crisps, wandering over to where Kian was talking to Will, a tall black guy with startlingly green eyes and an indefinite accent. They were laughing over their beers, Kian looking pink and beautiful in the cold air.

“This place is amazing.” Shane commented. It was. Two stories, a modern kitchen, beautiful fireplace in the living room. He'd counted three bedrooms on the way to find the bathroom earlier, and when he'd peeked inside one there was a gorgeous king-sized bed with room for at least four people.

“Yeah, it's definitely a fixer-upper.” Kian shook his head. “Will's a gynaecologist.”

“Yuck.” Luke had mentioned it in the past, but he pulled a face anyway. Got two laughs.

“Yeah, I get that a lot.” The older man rolled his eyes. “On the upside, nobody can complain about sexual harassment.” It explained the house. A bloody doctor. No wonder Luke had been with the guy twelve years – the two of them were set. “It's all urgh... vaginas...”

“Urgh... vaginas...” Kian echoed. Will chuckled.

“They're cleaner than arseholes.” He pointed out. “Anyway, you want to wash either if you're going to stick your tongue in one.” A hand squeezed Shane's and he got a smirking wink. Kian had done it to him again a week before, when he'd been laying on the bed after his shower, his towel still around him and trying to decide whether he had the energy to look for clothes. A kiss had mouthed down his back and into him while he ground against the mattress, fisting hands in the pillow and crying out at the feeling of a tongue breaching tight muscles. He was yet to return the favour, wasn't sure if it was a bit out of his league, but after coming so hard he'd almost burst into tears with relief he knew it wasn't far off.

“I'll take you word for it.” Kian was saying. Then his eyes drifted, and he went a little pink. “Um...”

“What? Oh.” Will laughed, rolling his eyes. “Off he goes again.” Shane followed their gazes and saw it, finally. Luke, rather avidly snogging someone who wasn't Will. A cute blonde that Shane hadn't met but looked very involved in the process. “Lukey! Wait until everyone gets here, yeah?”

“But I'm busy!” Luke called back, wresting his lips from pouting ones. “Vinnie got his tongue pierced!”

“I'm on my way!” Will snorted. “Sorry lads. Duty calls.” And then he was off, while Shane stared open-mouthed at the tall, black man wresting pink lips away from his boyfriend's mouth.

“Is...” Kian tilted his head. “They're both snogging that lad.”

“Yeah. Huh.” Shane reeled his tongue back in. Will and Luke didn't, licking over a a tongue with a silver bar in it while Will's hand travelled downwards, cupping to Luke's arse. He leaned back against the fence in surprise. Luke had never mentioned anything of the sort, though it wasn't like they had given each other a rundown of their sex lives. He looked back at Kian, who was still staring. “What are you thinking?”

“That that's a bit hot.” Kian tilted his head in the other direction, biting his lip. Will was kissing Vinnie now while Luke said something. He got a thumbs up and wandered off while his boyfriend's mouth inhaled another man's tongue. They watched him cross the room, then go back with three beers in his hands. He handed one to the two other boys, who separated, laughing at something he said. A second later the guy with the pierced tongue stumbled away, looking pleased and a bit tipsy. “Aw... they're done.”

“You're watching people make out?”

“Not any more.” Kian pouted. He glanced at Shane. “You okay? We can leave if you're uncomfortable?”

“No.” Shane shook his head. He wasn't. It had just been unexpected. And if he was honest his jeans were a bit tight as well. He looked at Kian, wanting to touch him, relieve some of the tension accumulating in his groin. “I was thinking about getting in the spa, though.”  
  
“Sounds good.” It was empty at the moment, and the steam rushing off it felt warm and inviting. He wasn't sure about getting his kit off in this weather, but it had been a long time since either of them had had anything approaching luxury and it sounded a bit nice. “I didn't bring any trunks.”

“Underwear?” Shane shrugged.

“Didn't bring any of that, either.” Kian winked, and Shane's mouth went suddenly dry, his trousers tighter.

“Oh.” He swallowed hard. Looked his boyfriend up and down, trying to find some evidence that it was true. Kian leant in and lips brushed his ear, breath rushing down his neck.

“You think anyone'd notice?” He murmured. “If I gave you a handjob in there?”

“Ki...” Shane's eyes fluttered closed. A fingernail traced slowly up his arm, a kiss trailing up his cheek. He swallowed again. “We're in public.”

“I know.” Another kiss tripped over his ear, sucking into the soft spot below it. “But those two over there...” He nudged slightly, turning Shane's gaze to two boys making out against the side of the house in the shadows. “Have been jerking each other off for ten minutes and nobody's said anything.” Teeth scraped lightly at his neck. “I want you. Exams are over. Let's do something stupid.”

 

*

 

The water was hot, and Kian sighed as he sank into it. He'd tossed off his clothes quickly before climbing in, trying to cover himself a bit, but since the two guys that had gotten out last had done so with nothing on either he didn't see it was much a problem. One of the guys had been really hot, broad and bearish with a thick cock that had made Kian's mouth water a little. Everything was making his mouth water, really. The two guys giving each other handjobs over in the corner, the fact that he could see another guy walking around naked through the glass doors leading on to the living room.

He had an inkling of what sort of party this probably was. It was hard not to notice that everybody here was male, extremely attractive, and seemed fairly up for it. He hadn't missed the bowl of condoms and bottle of lube on the mantelpiece, and Luke had been flirting with him pretty unashamedly since they'd met. He flirted with _everyone_. And now he was snogging some lad while his boyfriend watched, chatting to them casually while Luke ran his tongue down the throat of a skinny blonde boy that barely looked legal.

Not that he could talk.

“That's nice.” Shane sighed, his head going back against the edge. It was. There was a jet in Kian's back, another under his knees, pummelling out the stress he didn't realise he'd been holding. Shane was wearing underwear, which was deeply disappointing, so Kian slid over a little to push a hand inside, surprised at how firm his boyfriend already was.

“You're hard.” He said quietly, felt a shudder when he ran a thumb over the head. The sensation was odd in the heaving water, Shane's cock floating slightly and bobbing into his hand. “Can I take care of it?”

“Yeah.” Shane sighed, his eyes falling closed while Kian began to work it slowly, feeling delicate skin slide in the moving bubbles. He kissed Shane's mouth, felt the uncertainty in his kiss, the low hunger. This was probably good for Shane. Shake him out of his comfort zone a bit and stop him second-guessing himself all the time. Something mad and adventurous and a bit silly for a change. He was sick of being so serious, of watching frowns settle into their foreheads, into the corners of their mouths like they were meant to be there.

“Feel good, babe?” Kian murmured. Heard a low moan. “God I want to fuck you.”

“Yes...” Shane bit his lip, hissing through it. Kian chuckled, lapping over full, parted lips. His eyes were open, locked onto two lads they could just see through the glass doors. One was unzipping the other's jeans, sliding down to kneel at his feet in front of the couch. Then he was leaning forward, mouth opening wider and...

There was a low gasp. Kian pulled away from Shane's mouth to let him get a better view. Slid in beside him instead, wrapping an arm around his boyfriend's waist and tugging him until their sides were pressed together, his other hand still working at Shane's lap.

“You watching?” He murmured. Shane went a little pink, but his eyes didn't look away from the blowjob taking place a few metres away. “You wanna watch?”

“Ki...” Shane breathed, his eyes falling closed. “I...” They opened again, locking onto a blonde head bobbing up and down on a dark cock. “God...”

Kian kissed his cheek.

“Tell me when you're close.” He urged, knowing how he wanted to finish this. It was only polite, anyway, considering they were in someone else's house. He didn't exactly want to leave a mess. “When you're right there.”

“Yes.” Shane mumbled, his eyes fluttering while he tried to keep looking. Kian worked him faster, heard a whining groan when he changed the angle a bit. Fingers tangled through his hair, dragging him into a hard kiss. He obliged, pushing into a warm, wet mouth that panted with slight desperation. “So good.” Shane gasped. Kian snickered, running his thumb around the head and feeling slickness rush past it before getting lost in the water.

“You close, love?” Kian whispered. Heard a low, hitching cry. Looked up. Luke was looking at them, and when Kian caught his eye across the yard, a bottle was raised in his direction. He laughed, wishing he had a hand free to return the toast. But one was around Shane's waist, holding him still. The other...

“Oh.” Shane's head rocked back suddenly. Kian watched carefully. “Oh. Oh fuck. There. There. Shit.” He babbled.

The water filled his ears and eyes when he sank below the surface, blinking through the murk and bubbles to get his bearings. His mouth was closed around Shane's cock a moment later, the taste of chlorine and salt mingling on his tongue while he sucked down until there was nothing in there except Shane's cock and his own spit. Fingers tangled in his hair and he tried to hold his breath. Tried to...

His mouth was flooded suddenly. He swallowed fast, as much as he could, and when he surfaced he gasped in a deep breath, blinking water out of his eyes to lock onto a dazed, panting face.

Towels were tossed in their direction by a cute guy with a short mohawk and no pants when they climbed out, Kian helping Shane where he was a little unsteady on his feet. He knotted his own around his waist to cover the erection he was still sporting, then handed one to Shane, who covered himself with a dazed blush.

 

*

 

Shane didn't know what to think. He'd been quietly having a beer, surprised by watching his boss making out with two people at once, and sort of wanting a dip in the spa. Now Kian was tugging him into a bathroom and helping him back into his clothes.

And in between all that, he'd watched a guy get a blowjob while Kian had brought him off with a talented hand and a hot, sucking mouth.

It had been fantastic.

“You okay?” Kian asked. Shane nodded, starting to button his shirt while Kian discarded his towel and pulled on his jeans. He was hard, tucking it to the side while Shane watched.

He sank to his knees, unable to help himself, fingers already scrambling for Kian's zip. Got it back open and buried his face in the smell of musk and chlorine, in dark blonde hair. Heard Kian breathe out a moan while Shane pulled him back out and sucked him in, a hand carding through his hair.

“Shay...” Kian gulped. “That's...” When Shane looked up he saw blue eyes dark with hunger in an intense stare. “Suck me. Fuck.” A thumb ran over his bottom lip and Kian muttered a curse while Shane drove down as far as he could, pushing past the gag before drawing back off to mouth down the side, the head rubbing up his cheek.

“So fucking sexy.” Shane mumbled, still looking up at a sharp gaze, panting mouth.

“Shit. Sorry.” Shane glanced over at the door, saw a guy whose name he couldn't remember, but who he'd had a short conversation with before about the football. He was cute, maybe twenty, dark, with a narrow waist and a bare chest spattered with hair.

“It's fine.” Kian managed. Shane didn't stop. Couldn't. What had Kian said about doing something stupid? Well, here he was doing something stupid and it felt bloody fantastic. He slid deeper while Kian hitched up a foot to rest on the edge of the bath, his bent knee giving Shane more room to work. “Oh. Shay. Jesus.” He gasped suddenly, throbbing in his mouth, the taste salty and slick. “Fuck. Don't stop.”

Fingers went through his hair again, and when Shane looked up he realised they weren't Kian's.

The guy was licking up Kian's throat, his boyfriend's blue eyes falling closed on hiccuping moans while fingers teased his nipples. Shane felt a rush of ownership go through him hard and sharp when Kian's head went back and his lips were caught, a tongue sliding into his mouth.

He turned away from the kiss, looked down at Shane with questions in eyes muddled by lust. Kian felt so close, so salty in his mouth, and he looked totally ruined. Lips red with want, hips moving slowly and jerkily while Shane took him in. He looked like he wanted the kiss, the touch of whoever the hell this lad was. Looked like he didn't want to hurt Shane in the process, the conflict tense in his muscles while a tongue lapped over his nipple.

Shane made a decision.

He stood, yanked Kian into a hard kiss, shoved dark hair lower with the other hand. Heard a whimper when Kian was taken in again, a stuttering moan vibrating against his mouth.

“Shay, I'm so...” Kian gasped, fingers closing in his hair and gripping like he was about to fall. Shane looked down, saw a bobbing head, laughing green eyes. Slid his fingers through short hair to set a rhythm, knowing how Kian liked it. A low cry stumbled against his mouth, Kian's fingers still holding him in.

“Love you.” Shane whispered. Felt Kian shudder.

“Love you t... unh...!” His eyes rolled back. Shane kissed him hard, felt him go. Filling the mouth of some stranger while he gasped Shane's name, clinging to him.

He stopped, and Shane bent, yanking their new acquaintance into a probing kiss, feeling wrong about not having Kian's flavour on his tongue. Heard Kian moan appreciatively above him, fingers still running through his hair.

The guy wandered off without asking for the favour to be returned, which Shane was a little grateful for. All he wanted was Kian, leaned against the bathroom counter with his fly hanging open, his chest still moving hard, and a slight orgasmic giggle tumbling off his lips. Shane tucked him back in, stole another kiss, and felt Kian slump exhaustedly into a hug.

“Love you.” Was whispered in his ear. “You okay?”

“I'm okay.” Shane nodded, taking his hand. “Let's go home, yeah?”

 

*

 

They slid into bed late. They couldn't afford a taxi, so had to walk almost half an hour to the train station, hands linked together the whole way. They didn't talk much. Kian wondered if they were supposed to, but there didn't appear to be much to say. It wasn't a subject he knew how to broach. They'd done it, and then they were sitting on a train at one in the morning while a homeless guy talked to himself three seats down.

It was warm in bed, much nicer than the icy-cold air outside. It was starting to sleet when he cupped a hand to Shane's face, leaned in to kiss him. He wondered if the weather would ruin the party, then figured everyone would just go and shag indoors. He wondered if Shane had known what sort of party it was. Though by the look on his face when he'd first noticed the rather blatant shagging going on around them, Kian suspected he hadn't.

“So... that was mad.” He attempted.

“Yeah.” Shane nodded. “Um.”

“Um.” He yawned, trying to think but feeling sleep tug at him. Fingers drummed his hip slightly, and he kissed a pinched forehead. “Is...” He looked at Shane. “That lad gave me a blowjob.”

“Yeah.” Shane's mouth pursed thoughtfully. Kian watched him, trying to figure out what he was thinking. “It... was really hot.” He said finally, looking away. “Kissing you while he did that.”

“It was.” Kian admitted. Getting to kiss Shane while that wet heat sank down, knowing Shane's hand was guiding that mouth the whole time. It hadn't felt like fucking someone else. It had felt like being able to connect with Shane while he was sucked, feeling him all over. And then afterwards... it hadn't been like watching Shane kiss someone else. It had been like watching himself be reclaimed.

It had been really fucking hot.

“We're okay, right?” Shane said quietly, just as Kian was starting to drift. He opened his eyes, looked down at a questioning brown gaze.

He pulled the blankets tighter, rolled onto his back and tugged Shane in to settle into his chest, a hand palming open on his stomach. It was what it had always been, the two of them together. All he'd ever needed, at the end of the day. Everything else was just... stuff. He could get sucked off by a thousand people and it wouldn't change that.

“Of course we are.” He kissed a cold nose. “We're perfect.”

 

*

 

When Shane woke it was light out, the sunlight muted by the frost on the window, a flat white glow spilling over the bed. He turned over, went to snuggle into Kian, and then stopped, patting the empty space beside him in slight confusion. He thought about calling out, but didn't want to wake Hamish. The other boy was leaving for Christmas tomorrow, going back home for a few weeks before the beginning of the new semester. It was going to be hard, not having him to chip in on rent and bills, but it was going to be nice having the place to themselves. Shane only knew he was going because there'd been a note left taped to the screen of the television.

The door pushed back open before he had time to go look, and Kian came in with two cups of tea and the mail tucked under one arm. Shane took his, leaning into Kian when the younger boy climbed back into bed.

“What's the post?”

“Dunno.” The pile was in Kian's lap. Shane picked up the one on top, turning it over. “Probably bills.” He yawned, putting an arm around Shane's shoulder, the other lifting his mug to his lips. All of a sudden Shane felt a rush of contentment. Snuggled up in bed, five days out from Christmas and with a cup of tea in his hand. Somewhere along the line he'd suspected that this was what his future would be like. A bit boring and staring at a pile of bills. He'd never expected to have it at eighteen. He'd never expected to be so bloody happy.

He looked up at Kian. Kian. His seventeen year old boyfriend who had somehow managed to be more of an adult than he could ever hope to be. Who took everything Shane was and made it work. He had been a stroppy, petulant teenager with a stubborn streak a mile wide and an argument for everything. And then Shane had needed him, and he'd just been perfect.

“You okay?” Fingers brushed his cheek. “It's just the post. You don't need to start crying.”

“Fuck off.” Shane wiped moisture from his eyes. “Sorry. It's been a weird six months.”

“It has.” Kian put his mug down on the side-table. Pulled him into a hug. “Deutz.” He teased softly. Shane laughed, kissing his shoulder. “Is it wrong that I've had a really good six months? Despite everything?"

“No.” Shane shook his head. He hadn't been sure at first that it would work out. Whether going from seeing each other a few times a week to living together would be too much of a step, but it had fallen together so easily. He couldn't imagine going back to only looking at this gorgeous boy on weekends and days off. Stealing moments before school and after family commitments. A kiss brushed his mouth, deepening slowly and tasting of tea and sugar.

“Open that.” Kian pointed at the letter in Shane's hand, licking his lips while they parted. “I'm gonna say.... water bill.”

“Do I have water bill...?” Shane slowly tore the end off the envelope while Kian did a drumroll on his knees. “Nope.” He glanced inside the envelope. “Take another guess.”

“Erm... phone?” Kian hedged. Shane shook his head, shaking it out.

“I'm sorry, that's the wrong answer. Survey says...” He held it up. “Bank statement!”

“Ooh, am I overdrawn again? I love being overdrawn.” Kian snorted, reaching over for his tea.

“You are not overdrawn, you are...” Shane held it up, blinking in surprise. “You aren't...” He handed it wordlessly to Kian, not sure how to make sense of it.

“What are... oh.” Kian swallowed, squinting at the paper. “That's not right.” He held it up to the light. Shane stared at it too, eyes running down the itemised list on the side. Two days ago. A large deposit made with the comment 'Christmas'.

“That's eight hundred pounds.” Shane breathed, putting his hand over his mouth. He felt like his tea was coming back up with abject panic. “That's more than I make in a month.”

“It can't... It's a mistake.” Kian bit his lip, staring at it again. “I...” He pushed himself out of bed. Shane followed, carrying his mug while Kian dashed into the living room and grabbed the phone, beginning to dial furiously.

“Hi. Mam. Yes, I know, three days. Looking forward to it. Um...” Kian was fisting the bank statement nervously in his hand. “Hey, just... just checking. You haven't messing with my bank account have...?” He went dead silent then, staring at the crumpled paper in his fist. “No, you can't, it's... No. Mam. It's too... I know but we didn't... we can't afford...” He looked helplessly at Shane. “I told you no presents. This is... No, I don't need to talk to... Hi Dad.” He covered his face with the piece of paper, letting out a frustrated sigh. It would have been almost hilarious if Shane didn't feel like bursting into tears.

There was a lot of attempted interruptions after that, and then a bit of baby talk while Colm was put on the phone. Shane went to put the kettle on again, knowing this had turned into another Egan Family Phone Call. They were generally quite epic, with the phone getting passed around at least twice through the whole clan. Even Marielle got involved this time, when last time they'd seen her she couldn't have given a shit about either of them.

When he got back with fresh cups, Kian was sat on the couch with his chin in his hands, eyes brimming with tears.

“She said...” He swallowed hard. “Fuck.” The mug was taken with shaking hands. “I told her no Christmas presents because we couldn't afford to give them back and...” He took a trembling sip. “She said everyone chipped in. Whatever they were going to spend on us. Half of it...” He looked at Shane. “Half of it's yours.”

Shane sat down hard, his knees unlocking. His tea splashed over his hand, and he swore, putting down the mug and shaking off hot water, sucking on the spot to soothe it. Kian stared at him.

“No.”

“Colm chipped in 20p he found in the daycare sandpit.” Kian's voice was hollow. “My grandparents too. They...” He looked at his mug, swallowing hard. “She said she was looking forward to seeing us for Christmas.”

“Jesus.” Shane put a hand over his mouth. “They can't...”  
  
“They did.” Kian bit his lip, the corners of his mouth starting to curve into a smile. “Fuck.” He reached out a hand, curled it into Shane's. The older boy took it shakily. Kian giggled, sounding a little hysterical, and squeezed his hand. “You... you want pancakes for breakfast?”

 


	11. Chapter 11

The train was quiet at this time of the morning. Kian pushed their bags into an overhead compartment while Shane slid into his seat, and then settled down alongside him to take his hand.

Shane had been surprisingly level about this whole thing. Kian had thought it would be harder, that he might have a bit of a breakdown before they left and refuse to go. He'd thought it would go that way when he'd gotten in from busking the night before and found Shane curled up in bed, sobbing quietly into the pillow, but Kian had wrapped around him, held him until he ran out of tears, and after that his boyfriend had seemed okay. Like he'd just wanted to release a bit of emotional pressure before they went.

The last couple of days had been a bit hectic. They'd spent the first day going over their money and figuring out how best to use it, and had figured out if they moved into a larger share house with more people they could probably stretch it right through until April or May, once Shane and Kian's wages were added in. Then they'd started looking at places, trying to get in before they were inevitably filled by incoming students for the next semester. There were a few options, and they had appointments to look at one or two in the week following Christmas.

Hamish had gone. He left them two Christmas cards on the kitchen counter, thanking them for being such great friends this semester. That had been nice, if a bit surprising, but what had been nicer was having the place to themselves for a whole two days. They'd made immediate use of the time, Kian pinning Shane to the bed and fucking him hard and fast, both of them giggling stupidly while Shane had thrown a leg over Kian's shoulder and barked out his orgasm in breathless delight.

Then they'd gone slow. Snogged for ages until they both fell asleep. Woken up again to Shane's tongue in his navel, a finger edging into him while brown eyes flared with hunger. He'd entered Kian slowly, kissing him the whole while and whispering that he was loved until Kian wanted to burst into tears with the depths of the gratitude he could see in Shane's eyes.

He felt sore this morning. Used. Their sex life had been fairly amazing ever since that thing at Luke's. He didn't know what it was, really. Maybe the thought of doing something a bit mad. He'd thought Shane might get jealous or possessive, but it hadn't been like that at all. It wasn't like cheating, it was like Shane watching, guiding him through that mad experience, looking and wanting and _seeing_ him. Connecting with him while Kian had come. Feeling a mouth on him and still getting to breathe each other's air.

Kian wanted to do it again. Wanted to watch it happen to Shane this time. He'd had a glimpse of it while Shane had kissed that guy. Like it didn't matter that it was someone else. Because to Shane it had been all about Kian. About finding his taste. Having his own cock sucked had felt like it was about the two of them, not where his dick was.

“You know how much love you?” He asked quietly. His hand was squeezed.

“Not as much as I love you.”

 

*

 

The sky was dark with clouds as they pulled into Sligo station. A miserable rain had started to fall an hour before, blurring their view of the countryside. It was cliché, but it was like Sligo had anticipated his arrival, the clouds as heavy and low as the anxious weight in his stomach.

Kian was trying to keep him distracted, he knew, talking about nothing and asking stupid questions. He appreciated the thought but it was just making him more nervous, knowing that Kian was nervous for him. He missed being warm and safe in bed like the night before, Kian riding him slowly, soft gasps coming with the movement of rolling hips. Laying in a sated glow afterwards while he was gently wiped off with a damp cloth.

Now he was gripping Kian's hand tight, his heart like an open pit. He knew they weren't publicly out in Sligo and didn't much care. If he let go of Kian's hand he was sure he'd never make it off the train.

The brakes squealed, making him flinch, his stomach lurching when they stopped. Kian looked at him, reaching over to push hair off his face.

“It's okay.”

Shane nodded, sucking in a breath when he realised he hadn't for a while.

“Ki...”

“Straight to mam and dads. No stops.” He promised. They'd been over this before, but it still helped to hear it. “We don't have to leave the house once we're there. Don't have to go anywhere or see anyone.”

“Yeah.” Shane swallowed hard, his breath catching when Kian's hand left his. Then he was being handed a backpack while Kian shouldered his own and helped him up.

“If anyone comes near you, I'll hack their fucking heads off.”

“We're definitely back in Sligo, then.” Shane teased, though smiling made him feel ill. “You're a grown-up now. No getting into fights.”

“I wasn't going to.” Kian promised. “But I'll always protect you. I won't be able to help it.”

“You already are.” Shane took his hand, heart lightening somehow at the savage look in his boyfriend's eye. “Thanks."

 

*

 

Shane played with Colm in the car, the little boy giggling in his car seat while Shane tried to distract himself from the outside world. On the train he'd tried looking out the window, peering out at sheep and fields and horses and feeling a small nostalgic smile touch his lips. But as they'd gotten into town he'd had to look away, watching low walls and familiar buildings come up around him, feeling his breath catch in his chest and panic swirl in his stomach.

He could see glimpses of things going past as they wound up Grattan Street, places he'd used to shop and eat. The Record Room, where he'd bought most of his CDs and a Michael Jackson pencil-case when he was eleven. They went past the end of Castle Street, but didn't go up it, though it was technically on their way. Shane was grateful. He was sure if he saw the Carlton he'd have a panic attack right here in the car.

Kian was too busy arguing with his parents.

“I'm giving it back.”

“No, you're not.” Kevin laughed. “This is why we gave it to you a week early. Knew this'd be an argument.”

“Because you shouldn't have to...”

“We didn't. Everybody did.” Patricia added. “Be grateful, or your grandmother will be upset.”

“I'm not... I am grateful. It's just...”

“Do you need the money?”

“We can manage...”

“Those shoes are falling off your feet.”

“I had bills...”

“Good, and now you can have shoes too.” Kevin argued. Shane almost laughed, despite his panic. He looked over at Kian, ignoring the flash of shops going by over his shoulder.

“We're really grateful.” Shane interrupted. “Thank you. It'll be a big help.”

“See? There's a lad who knows how to accept a gift.” Kevin commented. “You're welcome, son. Merry Christmas.”

Shane got a filthy look from Kian and shrugged, leaning back in his seat. He hadn't meant it entirely. If anything he wanted to argue more, wanted to hand it back to them and tell them he wasn't worth it, that their faith was deeply misguided. But they were struggling and he wanted it for Kian. Didn't want to spend a pence of it on himself when it meant keeping Kian fed and clothed and homed and wearing shoes that actually had soles. He could do that at least, even if the fact that he hadn't earned it himself made him feel even worse. He'd pulled Kian away from home, and now home was doing more to support him than Shane ever could.

And Kevin had called him 'son' and that made him want to cry.

 

*

 

His room felt funny. Kian looked around, not sure what it was. It was basically the same as he'd left it, all his furniture in the right place. A couple of things were missing, things he had in the Dublin flat like his CD player and a couple of framed photos and things, but otherwise there was nothing different.

He sat down on the bed, looking around. It felt smaller, somehow. Sterile. Like stepping into a hotel room and knowing nobody lived there. Feeling the weight of memories that had taken place here but seemed removed from reality.

The rug, where Shane had kissed him that first time. The makeshift double bed that didn't quite fit together. The cupboard, where Shane had hidden one time and jumped out to scare him. The small dent in the wall above the bed where they'd been tossing a baseball and Kian had missed. His posters still all over the walls. Backstreet Boys next to Pearl Jam, Ronan Keating next to Lars Ulrich.

“Weird.” Shane said quietly behind him. Kian turned.

“I know. We used to live here.”

“You did. I just stayed for a bit.” Shane bit his lip, glancing around. “God, I can't believe I had all these posters.”

“Do you want to take some back with us?”

“No. They just seem...” He shrugged. “Childish. I don't know. I used to pull them out of magazines really carefully, try not to tear them and that, but now...” He looked around. “It just looks like mess.”

Kian nodded. It did. Like clutter. A distraction. When the most important thing in the world had been getting his hair to look like Jon Bon Jovi's, and now he couldn't afford a hairdryer. He was just letting it grow long instead of bothering with a haircut. It was easier to manage if he just ran a comb through it after a shower and let it dry on it's own. It was down almost to his shoulders now. Shane said he looked like Kurt Cobain, which he supposed was a compliment.

“Boys, dad's popping out to grab some lunch.” His mother peered around the door. “What do you want from fish and chips?

They gave their orders, went back downstairs to hang out with Kian's mam and Marielle, who was suddenly really enthusiastic about their presence. She'd hugged Kian hard when they'd come in the door, hugged Shane as well, and started asking a thousand questions about what Dublin was like. She'd shot up fast since her twelfth birthday, was all long legs and long hair, dashing about the place and talking like an extra from Clueless.

“How's work, Shane?”

“It's well.” Shane looked a little startled by the direct question. He'd been mostly staring into nothing since they arrived. Kian wanted to take his hand under the table, but they were sat too far apart. He stuck out his foot instead, lightly poking a skinny shin. Got a small smile. “My boss is really nice.”

“Late hours, though?”

“I got used to it.” He nodded. “It was a bit hard at first, not getting home until three or so, and then having to get up for class, but I think I'm a world-champion napper now. The worst was not seeing Kian all the time, but we've figured it out a bit.”

“Yeah, and while there's no work over the holidays I can busk at night and we can spend the day together.” Kian piped up. His mother gave him a concerned look.

“Is that a bit dangerous?”

“Not really.” Kian shrugged. “There's plenty of people about.” He'd done his first city gig the other day, had stood outside Shane's club while he worked and made almost fifty pounds from drunk revellers going in and out. “Mostly the worst bit is the cold. I can't exactly wear gloves. But if I find a spot near one of those outdoor heaters at the restaurants I'm usually okay.” God, that sounded terrible, didn't it? Like he was homeless or something. He saw his mother's face drop with worry.

“You can always come home...”

“We're fine.” Kian assured her, though he saw Shane's face pinch in slight panic. “I actually really like Dublin. It's busy and everyone's really nice. Plus Shane's there, so that's a definite bonus. I don't know. We can be ourselves there. There's the occasional homophobic wanker, but if we were here...” He shrugged. It went without saying. He'd lived amongst these people long enough to know what the attitude was, what kind of words got thrown around in casual conversation. “I can hold Shane's hand in Dublin, if I want.”

“That's so romantic.” Marielle sighed, leaning her chin in her hands. Shane laughed.

“Your brother's very romantic.” He said. “The other day he got up early to brought me a cup of tea and a stack of bills in bed.”

“I actually just needed to get up and pee.” Kian whispered conspiratorially. She giggled. Shane kicked him lightly, giving him a put-upon glare. “Then I wanted tea and knew he'd complain if I didn't make him one.”

“And the bills?” Shane raised an eyebrow.

“I had to do something while the kettle was boiling.” Kian shrugged. “Figured if I checked the mail maybe I could run into that cute guy from the flat down the hall.”

“You filthy cheating bastard.” Shane crossed his arms, affecting a huff. “After everything I do for you...”

“What have you done for me lately?” Kian shot back. “It's been two weeks since I got a foot rub.”

“Oh, I'm sorry, princess.” His foot was kicked. “I'll get out the massage oils, shall I? Hand-feed you chocolate while a puppy licks your toes?”

“That's all I'm asking for!” Kian exclaimed. “God, Shane. Some basic caviar and a yacht.”

“I can make you toast.” Shane offered. “I can put I Can't Believe It's Not Butter on it.”  
  
“That'd be lovely. Cheers.” Kian smiled. He reached across the table, patting Shane's hand. His mother was laughing, and a second later his dad was coming into the kitchen with a bundle of fish and chips, wrapped in newspaper.

 

*

 

It wasn't so bad. There was a creeping dread, he could feel it, a certain discomfort from being back here. There were too many memories, too many old, raw wounds. Kian's parents were lovely, of course, while they had lunch, while they played boardgames with the kids and tried to stop Colm putting Scrabble tiles in his mouth, and then watching TV after dinner and dozing a little on the couch, Kian's arm around his shoulder.

Then laying in bed, listening to the rain outside and staring at the ceiling, remembering laying here with Kian spooned to his back, tears streaming down his cheeks and feeling his whole life flood out around in him in a pool of loss and vodka and guilt.

But things were better now. He had a life, a job, had Kian.

And in Dublin that was enough. Here it was like remembering that that was all he had. He had Kian. If something happened, if Kian left him...

He had nothing else. No family. If they broke up Kian could go home to his parents. If he got sick of always following around after Shane, tidying up his mess and sacrificing everything to make him happy, Kian would be fine. Shane would...

He didn't know.

“You still awake...?” Kian mumbled. His eyes didn't open. Shane looked over, felt a hand stroke his stomach lightly while Kian lay face down on the mattress next to him. “S'everything okay?”

“Yeah.” Shane nodded. Closed his eyes. Kian shifted, and when he opened his eyes again there was an arm over his chest, a face in the crook of his neck.

“Is it Sligo?” Lips moved against his shoulder.

“It's...” He swallowed, looking down into a mop of blonde hair. “I don't know.” The hand under his shirt moved, palming soothingly over his belly. Shane ran his hand through hair, slid it down to feel a strong back shift under his fingers. “Feels weird being back here.”

“It's only for a couple of days.” Kian said quietly. “What are you worried about?”

“I don't know.” Shane said again. “It's...” He pulled Kian a little tighter against him. “If... if we broke up or something... we'd still be friends, right?”

When he looked back down, Kian had shifted to look up at him, his eyes sleepy but heavy with concern.

“What are you talking about?”

“No. Just.” He swallowed hard, took a deep breath. “Just if... You have your family. You know? You can come home. I can't. I won't have anyone. And I don't...” He felt tears prick at the back of his eyes. Kian was sliding up, leaning over him on his elbows. His face was taken between strong hands.

“Stop.” A kiss pressed to his mouth. “Stop it.” Fingers ran gently through his hair while Kian caught him in a worried gaze. “I'm not going anywhere, so stop that right now.”

“I don't want you staying with me because you think you have to take care of me.”

“I _like_ taking care of you.” Kian chuckled gently. “You don't like taking care of me?”

“But I don't, you...”

“Of course you do.” A nose nuzzled his while fingers stroked around the curve of his ear. “You do all our money when I haven't a clue, you work stupid hours so we can eat. You take care of me all the time.”

“But if it wasn't for me...”

“No.” Kian cut him off. “If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be so happy I have to pinch myself.” He pulled back, studying Shane's face. “I hate your mother. I don't like saying it because I don't want to hurt you, but I fucking hate her. Anything you think you've done, I blame her, not you. Come on. What do you think you've done?”

“I...” Shane swallowed. “Everything.” He closed his eyes, trying to think. “God, it's this fucking place. All I can think about is laying here with a bottle of vodka and dragging you down. And you said I was breaking your heart and...” He shook his head, remembering it clear despite the hangover he'd been miserably fighting at the time.

“Shay...” Lips touched his eyelids, one after the other. Shane felt himself relax a little despite himself, the way he always did when Kian did that. “You weren't breaking my heart. My heart was breaking for you. It's...” Kian sank lower, laying down on top of him, and when Shane turned his head they were face to face, Kian's head rested on his shoulder. “You know what I keep thinking about?” Shane shook his head. “Every time I see our front door, all I can think about is pulling it open and seeing you there, soaking wet. That was the worst day of my whole life. And everything since...”

“Has been worse?”

“No. Do you think it has?” Kian's eyes shone with hurt. Shane shook his head.

“No. It's...” He gulped back tears. “I just... you moved for me, and I couldn't find a job, and your parents had to help and if you'd just stayed here maybe...”

“Maybe what?” Kian asked. “You'd be miserable, we'd both be hiding? Still sleeping in this room while you drank away the fact that your mother – and I'm sorry for saying this – is possibly the most appalling human being on the planet? I didn't want that for you.”

“I could have gone home. And maybe when you grew up you could have found someone to...”

“Miss you with? Fuck off, Shane. You and me...” A hand scooped up his, held it between their chests. “This isn't a stupid fling. This isn't some teenage fucking phase. I love you. I don't care whether I'm seventeen or thirty-five or eighty-nine. This...” Fingers squeezed in his. “I'm in this. I like to think you are too.”

“I am... I...”

“Good.” A kiss bounced off his lips, playful and smirking. “Did that really require a ten minute conversation? Mine. Yours.” He pointed between the two of them. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Shane nodded. He reached up, pushing hair off Kian's face. It was getting really long now. Sometimes when they kissed it got in his mouth. “Eighty-nine?”

“Sure.” Kian nodded. “After that I'll probably lose interest, though. Find some twenty-year-old slag that wants to play with my ninety-year-old balls.”

“Good luck. They'll be on your knees.”

“So will he. But it'll be okay. I'll be rich by then.” He shrugged. “Ninety-year-old me will be sick of your shit and kick you out of our castle. I'll make you go live in the regular mansion with the servants. I'll probably shag the servants. I could have a butler.”

“What does a butler even do?”

“He plays with my ninety-year-old balls, apparently.” Kian grinned, making Shane laugh. “He'll be gorgeous. My type, obviously. Some brunette with a great arse and a really delicious cock."

“Your type?”

“Exactly.” Kian stretched, yawned. “Wish there was one of those around right now.”

“I'll go find one.” Shane went to climb out of bed, giggled when he was dragged back in. Kian tugged him against his chest, kissing the back of his neck. “Let go. I was going to find you a lad.”

“When we get home.” Kian laughed. Fingers curled through his. Shane settled in, wondering what that meant and feeling slight thrill go through him at the thought. A kiss touched his ear, trailed down the back of his neck.

“I love you.” Shane said quietly.

“I know.” Kian replied. “You're not a job, okay? You're my best friend. I'd kill for you. Not even a second thought. If I'd do that, I can work a shitty cafeteria job and live in a share-house. That's easy.” Shane nodded, pulling Kian around him like a blanket. “You're not a job. You never were.”

“Okay.” Shane nodded, tears pricking at his eyes again. A hand pulled the blanket up over them, tucking it in. “I'm sorry.”

“You're not allowed to be.” Kian argued, pulling him in close. “Just keep being mine.”

 


	12. Chapter 12

Christmas Eve was still dark and rainy. Kian woke up late, and when he did it was to Shane looking at him, a small smile on his face.

“Morning.” He pressed a thumb to soft lips, got a delicate kiss. “You watching me sleep?”

“Watching you wake up.” Shane shrugged, pushing hair off his face. “You're gorgeous in the morning.”  
  
“I'm gorgeous all the time.” Kian laughed, got a poke in the rib. “Ow.”

“Sorry, did I hurt you?” Shane's face pinched in mock worry. “Do you want me to kiss it better?”

“Other parts of me hurt.”

“I'm sure they do.” Shane nodded. “Which parts?”

“This one.” Kian tugged a hand down, pressed it against his morning erection. Fingers curled around it automatically, and he bit his lip against a groan, watching dark eyes go darker while Shane licked his lips.

“How much does it hurt?” Fingers began to move, rubbing through his pyjama bottoms, the scrape of flannel against him just adding to the torture. “Does it hurt if I do this?” He twisted his wrist slightly, tugged upwards. Kian whimpered, pushing into it.

“A bit, yeah...”

“What if I do this?” Fingers slid lower, found the weight of his balls through the material. They were rolled gently, a thumb stroking down the centre. “Does that hurt, babe?”

“Yes...” Kian closed his eyes, gasped when he was rolled onto his back, Shane laying atop him. He could feel Shane's own arousal, stiff against his thigh. “Burns...” He managed, felt a hot mouth suck at his throat. “Needs a kiss.”

“What about here?” A knuckle pressed down between his legs, forcing up into his entrance and rubbing. “Does that hurt?”

“Yes...” Kian's head went back, felt the pressure swirl. He wasn't going to last long. He was hard already, and Shane's hand wasn't helping things, nor the tongue that was dipping to circle his nipple. He'd shed his pyjama top during the night and was thoroughly glad he had. He tugged at the bottom of Shane's shirt, the tongue leaving him while he pulled it over his boyfriend's head and ran his fingers appreciatively through coarse chest hair.

“God, you're so fucking sexy...” Shane muttered, tugging at his pyjamas. They were gone a second later, a tongue still swirling around his nipple while fingers worked at him slowly. “Want you so much.”

Kian arched into it, a soft moan stumbling off his lip. He wasn't used to this, trying to keep quiet. It brought back strange old memories, making out with lots of shushing and hands covering mouths. Not that they were having screaming orgasms with Hamish in the next room, but still...

“Need you.” He gasped, fingers tangling in Shane's hair, then sliding down the back of his neck, holding him to the nub. Looked down to see a tongue lapping slowly, pointing and teasing. He growled, thrusting up into the cock rubbing his thigh. Fingers pushed between his legs, sliding up the crack of his arse. “Oh.” He panted, trying to shift, trying to get the touch to... “Shay...” He moaned, biting his lip to muffle it when it pushed over him again. Then it was sliding into Shane's mouth, coming out wet and shiny, and pressing against him. He pushed down, hand over his mouth to muffle a cry.

“There?” Shane coaxed. “There's where it hurts?”

“Yes. Please.” He hitched his knees up, felt the finger slide deeper, find the right spot. His hands fisted into the pillow behind him, opening himself up while a tongue trailed down his stomach.

“So hot.” Shane mumbled. “So fucking beautiful.” Kisses mouthed over his navel, curving up towards his hip. “Could fuck you for days.”

“Yes...” Kian hissed. “Never stop.”

“Fuck you over and over.” Shane murmured. He was kissing back up, fingers moving. Kian's cock throbbed against his belly, needing contact badly while he tried to grind against his boyfriend. A tongue slid up his throat, into his ear. “Want you to come on my chest.”

“Oh my god...” Kian managed. He'd never heard Shane talk like this. They said things in the moment, of course, but this... “What'll you do to me?”

“I won't.” Shane whispered. “I'll make you do it to yourself so I can watch. I'd like that. Watching you beg me to let you make yourself come.”

“Please...” He reached down with one hand, beginning to stroke, that finger still moving against his prostate. “I'm so close...”

“Not yet...” Shane looked down, hissed in a breath. “Oh, that's nice. Keep doing that.”

“Can't stop... ah...” His head went back. Teeth sank into his nipple, the finger pushing suddenly deep. “I want you to fuck me. Suck me. All at once. And...”

“I'm not that flexible.” Shane snickered. “But I could get someone else to do it. Suck you while I fuck you. Fuck you while I kiss you.”

“Yes...” God and that... that was an image. On his knees, some hot, faceless guy driving into him over and over while Shane kissed him hard, hand stroking him through it. Shane sat on some lad's face so Kian could watch those hot, desperate expressions up close instead of hidden behind the curve of Shane's back. It was his new favourite thing, licking Shane out. Not because of the act, but because Shane just looked so beautiful, like he was falling apart. “Fuck me hard.” He gasped. “Shay... I'm... I'm gonna come.”

“You are.” A second finger pushed into him. “And you're gonna be so beautiful.”

He cried out, felt fingers push into his mouth to muffle it while he spurted over his own stomach, up Shane's chest, the other fingers moving harder and faster, rubbing it out of him. Felt Shane come a second later, spilling over his thigh in hot shocks of liquid heat.

He began to laugh a little. It was a stupid, embarrassing thing he always did. Couldn't help himself. He didn't do it when he jerked off, just with Shane, as though it was all a great joke and the two of them were the only ones in on it. A kiss opened his mouth, tongue plunging in.

“Knew it.” Shane panted. “Gorgeous.”

 

*

 

Everyone was out when they got up. Shane hoped that had been the case for a while, and that it hadn't been to escape the sounds of the two of them shagging upstairs. He'd tried to keep it down, really he had, had tried to muffle Kian's cries, keep himself from making too much noise. It had been so hard though. He didn't know what had come over him, but he felt better this morning. Less like he was looking over his shoulder for shadows. A hand travelled up his neck, tugging him into a kiss.

“You okay?”

“I'm okay.” He nodded. “Sorry about last night.”

“It's fine.” Arms came around his waist. “Why didn't you say you were feeling like that? I would have told you you were an idiot ages ago.”

“Dunno. Just...” He looked down, but a kiss tilted his face back up. “It was there, but then I got here and it felt... bigger.” He leaned his forehead against Kian's, feeling exhausted. Hands stroked his back. “It's...”

“Sligo.” Kian sighed. “You don't have to come back here, you know? I can come visit on my own.”

“I...” He was about to protest, but then he nodded. “Okay. Thank you.”

“Yep.” Kian hugged him tight. “It's fine. Once we get our own castle, we'll do Christmas in Dublin, okay? My family can come visit, and all the bedrooms will have two bathrooms each, and a television on the ceiling.”

“On the ceiling?”

“So people don't have to sit up to watch it.” Kian explained.

“That's fancy.”

“I'm really class.”

Shane laughed. “Since when?”

“I've always been class. You just don't notice because you're such a farmer.”

“I'm classier than you.”

“The other week you farted while I was giving you a footrub.”

“I was very relaxed.” Shane argued. “Your footrubs make me fart. How's that for a compliment?”

“I'd like to say your compliments make me tear up, but it was probably the smell.” Kian wrinkled his nose. “That's what happens when you live on instant noodles and leftover cafeteria food.”

“I love the shit out of you.”

“Good.” His cheek was kissed. “I'm a big fan of you too.” He glanced around the kitchen. “Breakfast's on my parents. What do you want?”

 

*

 

Kian's parents came home not long after, when they were sitting on the couch following a very satisfying breakfast. They were going to go mad, start frying up eggs and that, and then Kian had found a hand of bananas and two punnets of strawberries in the fridge and they'd gone to town on that, enjoying the insane luxury of fresh fruit. They were sharing an orange when the door opened and Marielle skipped in.

“Morning, boys.” His dad nodded. Kian nodded back, his mouth too full of pulp and juice to reply. It was like an explosion of sweetness. Usually it was just a crappy over-ripe apple snagged from the cafeteria fruit bowl, but this tasted _real._ He sectioned out another piece, then handed the remains to Shane, who swallowed before beginning to dig out more for himself.

Shane seemed better today. Kian had known he would be on edge, but he hadn't expected last night, having Shane suddenly pour out that ridiculous flood of worries and guilt. It had probably been building for a while, and that was the worst. He thought they'd dealt with this months ago, that things had been going fine. But Shane...

He'd have to keep an eye on him. He didn't want this happening again, Shane sinking into this pit of despair and not feeling able to tell him. Last time it had been sleeping pills and drinking, and he couldn't go through that again.

Knew he would, if it happened.

Because it was Shane.

They went outside in the afternoon, ran around in the grass and played girls against boys at football while his dad made sandwiches and watched from the patio with a beer in his hand, raising it whenever one of them kicked a goal. Then they walked up to the back of the yard and across the neighbouring field to look at the horses in the nearby paddock, Shane standing on the rails of the fence and reaching out a hand when they came past.

“You still scared of horses?”

“I'm not scared.” Kian protested. “I just don't like them.”

“Why not?” Shane stood up taller as another one wandered over, bowing it's head to sniff his hand. Kian stepped back a little.

“Because they're big and smelly and they kick.”

“I'm smelly and I kick.”

“Yeah, but you're little and cute.” Kian explained. “It's just not my thing. You go ahead, though. Play with your pony, or whatever.”

“She's not a pony.” Shane shook his head, rubbing his hand down a black and white nose. “She's an Irish Cob. Or Gypsy Cob, if you like. And she's gorgeous. Aren't you?” He ran his hand down it's cheek, stroking it's neck. “Really healthy. I'd say maybe three years old. You're a riding horse, aren't you? No ploughs for you.”

“I don't think it can understand you.”

“How do you know?” The horse's lip was quivering, it's neck tilting into the touch. Kian knew how that felt, having Shane's hands on him. “I used to talk to my horses all the time...” He trailed off. Swallowed. “But you're lovely.” He said quietly. “I'll bring you an apple tomorrow, if you like. Christmas present.”

“The horse doesn't know it's Christmas.”

“No, but I do.” Shane glanced over his shoulder, and Kian felt a lump fill his throat when he realised Shane's eyes were shiny with tears.

“Are you okay?”

“I'm fine.” Shane looked back at the horse. Kian went to stand tentatively behind him, putting hands on his hips while Shane stood on the bottom rail, reaching out to a long, hairy face that was way too close for Kian's comfort. “We'll just stay here and have a chat to this girl, and then we'll go back, okay?”

“Take your time.” Kian murmured. A hand came back, ran through Kian's hair, the other steadying Shane on the railing. The horse nosed him, looking expectant. “Looks like you've made a friend."

 

*

 

Kian's parents left at eleven for midnight mass. Patricia asked if they wanted to come, but Shane suspected that she already knew what the answer would be before the question left her lips. They all knew who else would be in attendance, so they stayed on the couch watching the carols on television while the other Egans buttoned up their coats and let themselves out.

Shane leaned into Kian's shoulder, listening to him quietly sing Silent Night along with Robson & Jerome.

He got up to get more popcorn during the ad break, and when he came back Kian was stood at the window, staring out.

“What you doing?”

“It's snowing.” Kian whispered, as though he was trying to stop the snow from hearing him and getting startled. “Come look.”

It wasn't really. There were a few flakes, melting before they even hit the ground. Still, the delicate flurries were white against the black sky, catching the porch light where they fell. An arm came around his waist, a head sinking onto his shoulder.

“Pretty.” Shane whispered. Kian looked up at him.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“No.” Shane teased, kissing Kian's forehead to take the sting out of his reply. “Of course you can. You're not going to propose, are you?”

“God, no.” Kian laughed. “No. It's about the other night? At Luke's?” Shane nodded, squeezing him a little tighter. Fingers stroked his side, the snow starting to fall a little heavier now. “Would you want to do it again?”

Shane looked down. At worried blue eyes and lips still oily with popcorn butter.

“What are you thinking?” He said finally. Kian swallowed, looking back out the window.

“It... it was pretty hot. That's all.” He shrugged. “I liked...” A hand came up to run nervously through his hair. “It's not that I don't want you. I do. It was just kind of fun. Snogging you while...” His cheeks went a little pink. Shane kissed his ear.

“It was fun.” He admitted. “Watching you get...” Kian looked up at him again. “It was really hot.”

“I want to watch it happen to you.” Kian said quietly. “Watch you get sucked like that while I... I dunno.” They'd been circling this for a few days, Shane thought, testing each other with little questions, little statements. He'd hedged at it a little this morning, and the reaction had been fairly promising. “I want to watch your face while someone else makes you come. Knowing you're still mine. Knowing they don't mean anything, because you're coming home with me.”

Shane bit his lip, feeling that idea take root in his groin while fingers absently stroked his side. He put down the popcorn bowl, turned Kian to face him and tugged him into a kiss. Heard a soft moan.

“You want that?” He whispered, hands drifting up under Kian's shirt to stroke warm, soft skin. “You want someone else to suck you while I watch?”

“Yes...” Kian bit his lip. “Want... I want to watch someone else lick your arse while I jerk you off.” Shane let out a soft whine at that thought, his mouth attacking Kian's ear just to give him something to focus on. Hands drifted into his hair. “I want you to take me hard. Fuck me while I fuck the mouth of someone who doesn't mean shit to me because I've got you and I love you. But it would still feel so fucking good. Getting fucked and sucked at the same time.”

“I can't stop thinking about it.” Shane admitted. “The way you sounded when you came. I wanted to fuck you ragged right there. Shove him the hell out of the room and take you on the bathroom floor.”

“Oh.” A foot wrapped around, trapping Shane's legs, grinding them hard together while he sucked at a long, sensuous neck. “Fuck me right here. I want you. Please...”

“Your parents..."

“Won't be home for hours. Fuck me. I need it.” Hands yanked at the elastic of his pyjamas, shoved them down hard. Then Kian was sinking to his knees, sucking him in and Shane was gasping, his senses somewhere on the floor. He heard Kian growl.

“Condoms. I...”

“Wallet. Coffee table.” Kian barked before sinking down again, taking Shane in hard. He reached out, leaning over and fumbling while an arm wrapped around his waist, yanking him into a hot, wet mouth.

“Jesus, Ki...” He blurted. A finger shoved into his arse, dry and aching, and he gasped, trying to open the wallet with fumbling fingers. He got the condom out a second later, yanked Kian's hair to pull him away with a soft pop. Rolled it on while a mouth licked up the side of him, hungry eyes blazing. He got it on, watched Kian turn around, falling forward onto hands and knees.

“Fuck me, Shay. Now.” He looked back over his shoulder, and Shane just about collapsed to the floor, a hand on Kian's lower back to steady himself, the other tugging Kian's boxers down, his bare arse round and perfect in the flickering light of the TV.

“Oh, that's beautiful.” He breathed, bending to mouth a sucking kiss to one cheek, heard Kian whimper. Bit the other playfully. Then trailed his tongue down the centre. Heard a soft cry.

“Yes...” Kian gasped. “That's it...”

It was interesting. Shane supposed he'd been more trepidatious than necessary, but then he was a bit of a clean freak. He ran his tongue around the outside, just testing, heard Kian cry out and saw a fist thump down on the carpet. He lapped up, pressed down with the flat of his tongue, heard Kian moan, then began to push in. Saw fingers clench in the carpet with the sliver of vision that wasn't filled with Kian's gorgeous arse.

“Shay...” He heard Kian pant. “It feels so fucking good...”

He tried to say something back, realised his mouth was full. Kian cried out, front half sinking down onto his elbows, cheeks spreading wider while he did. Shane dipped, ran his tongue up tight balls, sucking gently where they joined the rest of him, Kian's cock hard and dripping underneath. Slid his tongue back into the sweaty crease and heard Kian whimper.

“Please... oh god, please...” His voice was tiny, almost lost in the roar of lust in Shane's ears. “Fuck me. Need it.” Shane licked again, driving his tongue as deep as he could, not at all sure but feeling like he was ripping off a bandaid, doing this sudden and getting it out of the way. It was fine, though, when he heard Kian fall apart, heard the tortured, gasping yelp while he collapsed, his face on the carpet, hips shoving like mad back onto Shane's tongue.

He pulled out, checked the condom with an unsteady hand, and before either of them could blink, shoved in deep. Heard Kian just about shriek, drive back hard, hands scrabbling on the carpet for purchase while Shane took him hard, not stopping until he was all the way in.

“Oh god, oh god, oh god...” Kian was panting it with every breath, shoving back into him. “Oh god...” Shane pulled out, slammed forward, heard a shout. He pushed a hand between trembling thighs, split them a little wider, then reached around properly, running his hand up a throbbing shaft that leaked in his grip. Slammed in again, the resulting cry beautiful in it's suddenness. “Oh god... _Shane_.” He squealed while Shane set a rhythm, feeling unprepared walls ripple around him and drag him unstoppably to the edge. Kian didn't appear to be in any pain, was meeting every thrust hard, driving back, his elbows locked while he took it. Shane ran a hand up his back, leant forward, holding him still, his other hand bracing on the carpet while he kissed Kian's nape.

“Like that?” He whispered. “You want me to fuck you like that?”

“Yes...” Kian gasped. “Harder, baby, I need it...”

“Yeah.” He rolled his hips, heard Kian moan, did it harder. Set a rhythm and held it, shoving deep before drawing back slowly. Shoving deep. Ran his free hand through long hair and tugged lightly, teeth closing down on a long, golden neck that arched into the bite. Heard Kian whimper. Dropped the hand to wrap around thick arousal again, so hard and hot in his hand, pulse thrumming desperately under the skin.

“Oh god...”

“Mine.” Shane whispered.

“Mine.” Kian gasped. Shane drew back slowly again. Held it, his hand still moving fast on the dripping length. Let the tension sink into the grasping muscles holding onto the head of his cock. Kian whimpered, bracing himself, rocking in the movement of Shane's hand.

Shane shoved forward. Heard a sharp, delighted cry, then felt his hand fill with slickness, pulled it up to press against Kian's belly, his hand sandwiching it there to catch everything so it wouldn't spill on the carpet. Felt Kian drive back hard, fucking himself, and let go, sharp, sudden release washing over him, his own cries muffled when he sank his teeth into the back of Kian's neck.

“Fucking hell.” Kian gasped while Shane drew out slowly, nudging him to roll over onto his front so they wouldn't make a mess. His belly was wet and starting to crust with white, Shane's hand in about the same state. He ran his hand through it, felt Kian heave underneath him, and then giggle slightly, eyes glazing as he looked at the ceiling. “Christ, Shane.”

“You okay?” He managed. Knew he hadn't prepared Kian properly. But Kian seemed happy enough, was flopped against the carpet with a stupid smile on his face.

“I'm fantastic.” He looked up, then glanced over at the TV. “Hey.” He said. “Merry Christmas.”

Shane looked over, saw the VCR clock. Ten minutes past midnight. Mass would be just under way. He looked back down at Kian, at bright, glowing eyes. Ducked his head for a kiss.

“Merry Christmas, babe.” He said quietly. “I love you."

 


	13. Chapter 13

They were freshly showered and slow-dancing in the living room to Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas when the door opened. Kian looked up, surprised, Shane's arms still around his waist. The clock on the VCR said quarter-to-one, which was way too early for midnight mass to be over. Nevertheless, his parents came through the door a minute later, Colm in his mother's arms, Marielle slumping along behind them and looking deeply put out.

“Hey. You're home early.” Shane smiled welcomingly, lifting his head from Kian's shoulder. “How was it?”

“It was _so_ embarrassing!” Marielle griped, covering her face with her hands. “Dad got us kicked out.”

“I didn't.” His dad said, looking down at her. “I decided it was best if we leave.”

“And then they kicked us out.” Marielle pouted, looking at the floor.

“Now, miss, you didn't exactly help the situation.” His mother laughed, getting a rueful smile. “I swear, I raise you kids better than this.”

“What happened?” Kian asked, looking between all three of them. Colm didn't seem much perturbed, was happy enough sucking on a piece of biscuit he'd picked up somewhere. “You got kicked out?”  
  
“I didn't get kicked out.” His dad sighed. “The reverend said some things I found to be incorrect, and I felt it was my place to educate him on the matter.”

“At Christmas mass.” Marielle added. “Dad stood up and told him that God doesn't give a shit what hole it goes in, which the church should know considering all those altar boys it...” She looked at their mother for confirmation. “Defiled?”  
  
“When you're older, love.” She said, while Kian covered his mouth against a laugh. “And watch your language."

“But dad said...”

“I know.” She was smiling, running a hand fondly through Marielle's hair. “He got a bit angry and said something he probably shouldn't have.”

“I definitely should have.” His dad argued. “And then that bitch...” He trailed off, glancing apologetically at Shane. “Anyway...”

“What did she say?” Shane asked. His voice sounded quiet, so little, like he wanted to know but was too scared to find out. “It was my... my mam, wasn't it? What did she say?”

“She said...” Kian's mother looked at his father, uncertain.

“She said if we were going to pervert our children, keep it to ourselves before it spreads to the rest of the population.” Marielle announced. “Then Joey O'Reilly, who was sat next to me, he said my brother was a faggot, so I punched him in the gut.”

“Marielle! Language!”

“But he said...” She pouted, looking away. “Serves him right. He's gross, anyway. His face went white.”

“I bet it did.” Kian bit his lip, trying not to laugh. “What kicked that off?”

“Reverend Peters said we should remember at this time of year to think about loved ones who have lost their way. You know. The covetous, the adulterers, the fornicators and the homosexuals.” His mother explained. “Though unless he was about to say something about the sixteen year old girlfriend he had when he was at his last church in Wicklow, I doubt there was much else we wanted to hear.”

“They said we shouldn't come back. Dad said good, because God doesn't take attendance, but he definitely notices who the arseholes are.”

“Marielle...”

“I know. Language.” She mumbled. “Dad said it.”

“And you're not to repeat it.” She sighed. “It's fine. We only went twice a year anyway, so now we don't have to go at all.” She sank down onto the couch, looking up at Kian. He felt a lump lodge in his throat, thick with guilt. His dad put a hand on her shoulder.

“I'm sorry.”

“It's fine.” She said quietly. “I just...” She looked away, down at her lap. Behind him, Kian heard Shane head for the stairs.

“Shay...” He bit his lip, watched feet disappear. Marielle chewed her lip.

“Am I going to get in trouble for punching Joey?”

“No.” His dad said, reaching out for her. He pulled her into a one-armed hug, the other hand still on Kian's mother's shoulder. “I'll talk to his parents. It's fine.” He kissed her hair.

“I'm sorry...” Kian said quietly.

“It's fine.” His dad said again. “It isn't your fault.” He squeezed Marielle a little tighter. “Go check on Shane, okay? We'll be okay here.”

“I...” He glanced back towards the stairs again. Looked back at the three of them. “Shane's mam... did she say anything else?”

“She usually doesn't.” His mother said quietly. “Though once word got out about you two... Spends just about every day at church, from what I hear. Probably a good place for her. Out of everyone's way. Some of the stuff she said...”

“Word got out...?”

“Lisa Garretty told everyone I was a lesbian.” Marielle said quietly. “Dumb cow. I told her if I was, I wouldn't touch her ugly tits with a pole. She said she heard it from her brother, who knows Shane's cousin.” She looked up, her lip trembling slightly. “She said you touch little kids. I slapped her. Then I slapped her again, so they suspended me for three days.”

“Ellie...” Kian knelt down, pulling her into a hug. He suspected he would have knelt anyway, his legs were wobbling so badly. “Jesus, I'm sorry.” He looked up at his parents. “Why didn't you tell me?”

“You have enough on your plate.” His mother said softly. “It's fine. Anyone who thinks like that... we don't need them.” Kian hugged Marielle harder, felt her arms link around his neck. “Some rumours went around, but they went away after awhile.”

“I shouldn't have come back...”

“Of course you should.” His dad said. “We wanted our son home for Christmas. And the boy he loves. If somebody's got a problem with that, they're welcome to come to my door and say it to my face.”

Kian wiped tears from his eyes. He felt utterly defeated, didn't know what to say. How to apologise for something he couldn't help. He squeezed Marielle one more time and stood up.

“Go check on Shane.” His mother urged. “He'll need you.”

 

*

 

Shane had one leg out the window when Kian came into the bedroom. He'd sat in the upstairs hallway, collapsed there after the effort it had taken to climb the stairs, his legs shaking badly, hands trembling worse, and then he'd heard. Heard how fucked up he'd made life for Kian's family when they'd done so much for him. And his mother...

Kian stopped in the doorway, staring at him with a wet shine in his eyes.

“Where are you going?”

“I don't...” Shane reached up, wiping away the tears that were blurring his vision. “Out. I have to go...”

“We have a door for that.” Kian remarked. “It has a knob. You just turn it and walk out, if that's what you're going to do.” He crossed his arms, eyes blazing. “Are you walking out?”

“Ki...” He swallowed back the lump in his throat. “I...”

“Get back inside.”

“Ki...”

“Get the fuck back inside.” Kian hissed, voice just short of a shout. The door closed behind him a second later, and when it did he thought he heard the cut-off sound of Patricia starting to cry. “You're going to run the fuck out on me? Really? Where are you going, Shane? Because I just found out my family's been going through hell because of me, and I can't take it if you pull a disappearing act. Not again.”

“They've been going through hell because of _me_. Because of my _mother_.” Shane exclaimed, knowing how high and shredded his voice sounded, rippled with tears. “I can't keep...”  
  
“Back. In. Side.” Kian said, his voice holding barely concealed rage. “Now.”

“I...” He caught Kian's eyes. Nodded. A moment later his feet were back on the floor and he was being yanked into a hard embrace. A chest crushed against his, arms holding him in. “Sorry.” He choked out.

“Shut up.” Kian whispered, his voice heavy with tears. “Shut the fuck up. I'm sick of it. I am. But if you walk the fuck out on me, then it's been for nothing. Okay? So you stay right where you fucking are and tell me where you thought you were going.”

“Nowhere...” He buried his face in a heaving shoulder. “The stables.” He admitted quietly. Kian nodded against him.

“Why?”

“They'll all still be at mass.” Shane murmured. He hadn't been thinking it in so many words when he'd opened the window, but knew one thing would probably lead to another. “I just thought maybe... maybe I could ride for a bit. Just for a minute. Just...” He shook his head. “They won't be home for another two hours, probably. I could...”

“Shane...”

“I just wanted...” He shook his head. “I don't know. I always used to ride, when things were bad. It made things better.”

“What if they came home?”

“I...” He swallowed hard, felt a fresh round of tears start to fall. “I don't know.” He forced out. “I don't know, Ki. It's...”

“It's freezing and it's dark and it's snowing, and you thought you were going to go ride a horse?” The voice in his ear was incredulous. Shane felt a laugh brush his cheek, low and bitter. He returned it, his face crumpling under sobs when he tried to get the right words out. Wasn't sure what they were. Kian kissed his hair, holding him in tight and still. “Christ, Shane.”

“I have to do _something_.” He managed. “All I do is nothing.”

“What you're going to do is get into bed, because your hands are like ice.” One arm let go of him, a hand scooping up his fingers. Kian breathed on them gently, his eyes still flat and filled with tears. A kiss touched them a minute later. “I'm going to say goodnight to my parents, and when I get back you'll be waiting for me here, and not trying to climb out the damn fucking window.” He pushed Shane away, grabbed the window frame with both hands and slammed it down with a bang. Shane jumped. “No more. After this weekend, we're not coming back to Sligo again. I'm not bringing this shit on my family, and I'm not putting you through it.” He pointed at the bed. “Get in.”

“Ki...” Shane swallowed, saw a flat, angry glare. “Okay. Yeah.”

“Good.” Kian put his hands over his eyes, heels rubbing into the sockets with frustration. When he pulled them away his eyes were red. “I'll be back.”

The door closed behind him a second later. He heard Kian thud down the stairs, heard him say something to his parents. Then there was the click of the back door and he heard steps crunch over the frosty grass.

He went to the window, looked out. Saw a shadow stride across the lawn and towards the back of the yard. Saw it lean against a tree, a black blot in the moonlight, broken up by snowflakes like white noise. Then it stepped away, pulled back a fist, and punched the trunk hard. Then again. Both fists moving, flailing in clumsy, hooking jabs. Saw the shadow step away, hands covering its face, then laying into the tree again. Two punches. A kick. Another punch. Heard a soft shout, echoing across the grey yard.

He got into bed. When Kian came back inside ten minutes later he heard the tap run in the bathroom up the hall and pretended to be asleep, eyes closed as the light from the hall spilled over the bed then blacked out. Kian slid in behind him, wrapping around his back and kissing his neck.

“I'm sorry.” Shane whispered. Felt hands pull him in tighter. He put his own hands over them, felt the wet, raw raggedness of split, grazed knuckles under his fingers, heard Kian hiss in quiet pain.

“It's okay.” Kian said finally. “Go to sleep.”

 

*

 

Christmas morning was a sombre affair. They came downstairs and sat in the living room while Marielle opened her presents, the rest of them not even glancing at the tree. His parents were exchanging silent looks. Shane was staring at the coffee table. He'd helped Kian wash and bandage his knuckles that morning, and they were throbbing badly in his lap. He didn't think any of them were broken, but they stung in a way that was deep and penetrating, in a way that made him wish he'd gotten more out of punching the tree than he had. There was still anger, too much of it, bubbling deep under the surface while he looked into the untouched mug of tea on the table in front of him.

He'd heard Shane crying during the night. Heard his mother crying too. Wanted to cry himself but was too full up of rage to manage it.

“A Tamagotchi! Thanks, dad!”

“You're welcome, honey.” His father accepted a hug, a smile touching his mouth for just a minute. “You gonna keep it alive?”

“Stacey kept hers alive for six months.” Marielle announced.

“You can do better than that.”

“I know.” She said smugly, beginning to rip the packaging off. There was a beep, and a second later she was curled up on the floor, madly pressing buttons. His mother laughed softly, looking out the window while she took a sip of her tea.

His brothers and sisters started to show up around eleven. Tom came in the door first with a smile, and then asked why everyone looked so miserable. Fenella wasn't long after, nodding at Kian with a look in her eyes that said she already knew what had happened, and hugged him tight. By the time lunch came around the place was full of kids, squealing and running everywhere. Three more of them had Tamagotchis and a small conference of experts formed in the corner. Kian heard his nephew arguing with his sister over the regularity with which their poop needed to be cleaned up. Colm was sat on the floor with his sister's youngest, playing clumsily with a Tickle Me Elmo.

It was noisy, and manic, and for a while Kian was able to forget.

Then his hands would ache, or he'd see Shane sitting in the corner staring out the window, and it would all fall apart.

 

*

 

It was cold outside. The party was still going inside, dinner over and everyone just hanging out having a good time, but it was too hot, too suffocating in there. The frosty air stung his cheeks, froze his joints, and he closed his eyes against it, wanting to feel it numb him a little.

“It's cold out here.” Kian said from the doorway. “What are you doing?”

“Just need a minute.” Shane breathed, watching a cloud of white puff through the air. He swallowed, felt it catch like a lump of ice in his throat and wrapped his arms around himself harder, his jacket not nearly keeping out the hard breeze. It wasn't snowing yet, but the grass was tipped with white, silver spread out to the fenceline. A hand touched the back of his neck.

“Come inside when you're ready.” Kian said quietly. “Here...” He let go, went back in for a minute and returned with a scarf and gloves, handing the gloves to Shane and knotting the length of blue wool around his neck. He shrugged off his own coat, put it over Shane's shoulders. “You'll catch your death. Stay warm.”

Shane nodded, pulling the gloves on and feeling his fingers warm slightly. Kian kissed his cheek.

“I'll see you inside.” He said quietly. Shane looked down. Saw hands wrapped in bandages, saw the memory of crusted blood that he'd wiped off this morning, Kian flinching whenever the cloth touched an open graze. He looked away, tears pricking his eyes and freezing before they could fall. The door closed a minute later. He waited a long moment, until he felt alone, and reached out for the bottle he knew he'd hidden under the overgrown bush in the corner, all those months ago.

Then he began to walk.

 

*

 

“Mam... have you seen Shane?” Kian asked. He'd just gone outside to check on Shane, but the patio had been deserted. It had been almost twenty minutes since he'd left him there, seeing the older boy needed some space.

He needed some of his own, to be honest, had too many emotions to hold in check and didn't want Shane to bear the brunt of it, not when he was so fragile. He was angry too, and if he was honest, he hated Shane a little. For frightening him like that. For having one leg out the window when all Kian had needed was to be reassured that everything they were going through was worth it. Because they loved each other. Because Shane was his and would never leave.

“No, sorry.” She looked around from arranging dips, her eyes already concerned. “Where did you see him last?”

“I...” He glanced around, looking futilely for a clue. “Maybe he's in my room or something. I'll...” He left, trudging slowly up the stairs.

The bedroom was empty. The blankets still tossed back from this morning, a slight spot of blood on the corner of the sheets where he'd been laying, Shane's pyjama bottoms over the desk chair. He went to the window, looked out.

There was a shape there, crossing the desolate field beyond their yard. It was small, weaving slightly as it stumbled, something dangling from its hand. A bottle. Kian swallowed hard, liquid panic filling his throat. Snow was starting to fall now, the white flakes bringing Shane in and out of focus like a bad TV reception against the darkening sky.

He ran downstairs, the cold hitting him like a wall when he pushed open the back door and started to run, the icy air burning his lungs, freezing his joints while his feet slid on grass that crackled underfoot. He could just see Shane, stumbling a little more, something in his other hand. He tossed it. Fumbled it. Caught it again. Then he was reaching the back paddock, climbing up on the railing.

The horse. The fucking apple. Of course. Kian slowed slightly, pulling back into a careful trot. Shane was drinking. He could deal with that. But he'd just wanted to feed that stupid horse. He found himself laughing bitterly, his voice making a cloud in the air.

There were no horses. They were probably all in out of the weather. Shane stepped down from the fence and sat down, his shape slumping against the rail, the bottle coming up to his mouth. Fingers slid into his pocket, and a second later he pulled out something. Put the bottle down to fiddle with it. Kian squinted through the snow, trying to see, trying to...

Another bottle. A smaller one. One that Kian had hidden inside a pair of old sneakers in a shoebox under his bed, just in case they were ever needed, right after he'd poured out the vodka Shane had been hiding. The contents tipped into Shane's hand, and before he could blink they were being pressed to his mouth.

Kian started to run.

“Shane!”

A head whipped up, dark in the blinding snow. Kian slipped, felt his feet scrabble for purchase on the slippery ground. Ran harder. By the time Shane's face came into view he was already slapping his boyfriend's hand out of the way, the sleeping pills scattering into the grass.

“No...”

“What the _fuck are you doing_?” He slapped Shane hard, felt his hand crack as a shocked face whipped to the side. Collapsed to his knees in the cold grass. Shook him hard, hands on unresisting shoulders. “How many did you fucking take, huh?” He shrieked, slapping Shane again. Shane didn't even try to stop him, didn't put a hand up to defend himself. Kian slapped him again, cold palm hitting a red cheek. “You stupid fucking cunt!” He saw tears spill down Shane's cheeks, clenched his hand into a fist. Pulled it back. Saw Shane close his eyes, lashes webbed with tears.

“Hit me.” He said quietly, his voice rough. “Do it.”

“No.” Kian forced his hand to drop. Sank down onto his arse, wetness soaking through his jeans. “How many did you take?” He demanded.

“Just three. I meant to...” He swallowed.

“What were you trying to do?”

“You know what I was trying to do.” Shane whispered. He picked up the bottle of vodka, took a mouthful before Kian could stop him. “It would have been nice. I thought the Cob might be here, you know? We could have hung out and...” The bottle was half empty. Kian realised suddenly how drunk Shane was, how red and dazed his eyes were, cheeks sagging and bottom lip not quite sealing to the top one. “It was cold. It's supposed to be like falling asleep.”

He yanked Shane in close, felt the heartbreaking slackness of the boy in his arms, not fighting back. Not doing anything. Just slumping against him, tears trickling soundlessly down his cheeks.

“Don't you dare do that to me.” He whispered. “I need you.”

“I just make everything worse.” Shane mumbled. “It's better like this.”

“It isn't.” Kian ran his fingers through hair that stuck together, brittle in the wind. “It's not. You stupid fucking coward, trying to run and leaving me here by myself.”

“I wanted to make it better.”

“Then you're an idiot.” Kian snarled. He pulled back, tightened Shane's scarf, tugged his coat closed. He could feel trembling, see the blotchy redness of his cheeks. “It's Christmas fucking Day and you decide to kill yourself in the fucking snow. That's supposed to make everything better? Really?”

“...in the long run...”

“In the long run.” Kian echoed. “In the long run I'm so angry at you I want to scream. Do you understand how awful that is? I can't...” He pulled his knees to his chest and sank back, feeling the icy wind tug at his sweater. It wasn't nearly warm enough for being outside, and he shivered, staring at Shane, at the trickle of blood starting to leak from his left nostril. “I can't, Shane.”

“Leave me here then.” Shane whispered. Kian shook his head.

“Not even an option.” He bit his lip, trying to hold back the shriek he could feel rising in his throat, the oppressive, regretful hatred as he looked at this boy he loved.

 


	14. Chapter 14

The new place was bigger than the last. A sprawling two storey place with four bedrooms, two bathrooms and a small balcony. Luke gave them a hand driving their stuff over, a quick job considering they only had a couple of bags and the stereo. They set it up in the corner of the room, their CDs stacked on top.

The other tenants seemed nice so far. There was another couple living here – Frederik and Clara, Danish students studying a year abroad. Their English was decent, and Freddy was a big football fan which made him instant friends with Matt, the Brit who lived in the room next door to theirs and asked if they were poofters when they arrived. Kian had said yes, known he wasn't going to bother hiding it for a whole semester, and been all prepared for a fight, but Matt had shrugged and asked if they had any good CDs.

The other room was empty. There were still three weeks until classes started. They'd gotten home on St Stephen's Day afternoon, had originally planned to stay longer but once Shane was capable of moving in one direction without throwing up, Kian had gotten him straight on the train back.

And not let him out of his sight since.

They'd gotten back. Found an offer for a share-house they'd applied to waiting on the doorstep, and moved a couple of days later. Shane had drifted through the whole thing with a detachment that Kian found thoroughly frightening, though not as frightening as having to leave Shane there, in the frosty grass, the darkness almost total, and run back across the desolate field for help. His brother Tom had helped him drag Shane back to the house and upstairs, put him into bed.

Kian hadn't wanted to tell his parents, didn't want to make their lives any harder than he already had, and Tom had promised not to say anything. So Kian had lain there in the dark, hanging on every single tear-filled breath Shane took, not allowing himself a moment of sleep while downstairs music played and children squealed and adults laughed and he tried not to throttle Shane with his bare hands.

There was alcohol in the house, was the most concerning part. With Hamish it had been fine. He'd kept to himself and been starkly defensive of anyone touching his property. Here, the first thing Freddy did was offer them a beer from the fridge. There were two bottles of wine in a rack above the microwave as well, a bottle of white rum in the pantry. Shane had shaken his head, though, and Kian had felt the knot in his stomach loosen a little.

Shane went back to work two days after they got back. Kian stood outside, busking with his guitar until Shane finished. The next night he did the same, popping in every now and then to check on him. Shane just nodded quietly, said he was fine, and went back to serving, looking mechanical and disengaged. He could see Luke shooting Shane looks, and then again in the car when he dropped them home. When they got back into bed that night, Kian tried to kiss him, but Shane just accepted it quickly and turned over, staring at the wall while Kian stroked his arm, not letting himself fall asleep until Shane had.

 

*

 

“Right, what's going on?”

Shane looked up. Luke was standing in the doorway to the small staffroom, arms crossed over his chest and an annoyed look on his face.

“Nothing.” Shane replied, looking back down at his sandwich. Kian had made it before they'd gone out. He was supposed to be letting Kian know when he was going on break so they could eat together, but he couldn't face it. Needed a second alone so he didn't just scream in frustration. “Just eating dinner.”

“You look like shit.” Luke said bluntly. “You look like you haven't slept in years.”

He felt like he hadn't. He could hear Kian behind him while he was trying, watching him, his gaze prickling on the back of Shane's neck while sleep circled him like a vulture. Wanted to just get up, maybe sneak a mouthful of something from the fridge and knowing that wouldn't help things at all. He'd wake from confused dreams where everything was white and snowy and he'd be riding a horse through it, feeling totally peaceful, and then the horse would be gone and Kian would be standing there, staring at him so angrily before turning and walking away into the blizzard.

Then he'd wake up. And Kian would be wrapped around him, tight and suffocating, and Shane would stare at the wall until he managed another fitful sleep.

“It's just been a weird couple of weeks.” Shane explained, taking another bite of his sandwich. New Years had come and gone, been a totally insane night to work, and then things had settled a bit. Classes started back in less than a week. “I'm sorry. I'll try harder.”

“I'm not angry. I'm worried...” Luke sank down to a knee in front of him. “Everything okay with you and Kian?”

“Yeah.” Shane supposed it was. His boyfriend had stopped him killing himself, after all, so he supposed that meant Kian wanted him around. He couldn't remember everything exactly, just knew that it had made sense. That he'd gone down to the shed, dug out the sleeping pills he'd stashed under a broken flower-pot after Kian had thought he'd hidden them well enough, tucked them in his pocket for later. Then he'd taken a drink. Then another, and by the time the bottle was halfway empty he realised he'd never gone to give the horse in the other paddock her Christmas apple.

So he'd snuck back inside, snagged one from the fruit bowl while everyone else was in the living room opening presents with the kids, and gone for a walk. Just needing to be by himself. Just needing...

And it had been nice out there. Cold and numb on his cheeks, his tears frozen in his eyes, the vodka sharp and dry on his tongue, burning down his throat, and he'd felt alright, even if there was no horse. Had settled down to keep the feeling going and felt the small bottle still in his pocket dig into his hip. Had pulled it out, shaken three into his hand, and figured that it couldn't hurt. Then he was tipping the rest into his hand, and thinking this would be an okay way to go.

Then Kian had slapped him.

“Shane are...” Kian stopped short in the doorway, looking between the two of them, his guitar slung over his shoulder. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Shane nodded. “What's up, Ki?”

“I couldn't find...” He paused, swallowed. “I though you were going to let me know when you were going on break?”

“Sorry.” Shane looked away. “Just needed a second to myself.”

He could see it. See the hurt and fright in Kian's eyes, knowing what had happened last time Shane had needed a second to himself. Didn't want to. Luke stood.

“I'd better get back to work.”

Kian sank down in his place.

“Talk to me.”

“And tell you what?” Shane whispered. “I wanted to eat a sandwich on my own.”

“I...” Kian nodded. “Okay. Yeah.” A hand brushed Shane's cheek, thumb rubbing gently under his eye. “Can I join you?”

“Do I have a choice?”

“Shane...” The hand pulled away. The knuckles on it were still all scabby from punching that tree, and Shane knew it was hurting his fingers to play, had seen him wincing a few times when he'd wandered out to let Kian know he was ready for break the night before. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Because you don't trust me.” Shane bit back. Kian stared at him, his eyes going hard.

“No. I don't.” He admitted finally. “Why should I? Every time I think things are going okay, that we have things sorted out, it's... it's just drinking and pills and you trying to hide things from me. How can I trust you?”

“Maybe you can't.” Shane shrugged. “Maybe you should just leave me alone.”

“Or you could just tell me the truth.”

“What _truth?_ ” Shane exclaimed. “What, you think I can take every fucking thing I'm feeling and put it in a spreadsheet for you? And then that's it? That's all my fucking problems, let's stamp it and file it and never fucking look at it again because it's _sorted out?_ I found out my mother's been making life hell for the only family who ever wanted me, and it's not even my family, and I'm supposed to just say 'well, here's the problem, good thing we talked about it' and it goes away? It doesn't go away, Kian! Everything fucking hurts all the time and all you do is sit there and expect me to have it fixed! My mother shut me out of my whole family. That doesn't stop happening just because we _talk_ about it.”

“It doesn't make it better not to!” Kian argued, his voice thin with exasperation. “I'm hurting too, okay? Because it _is_ my family and this is the choice _I_ made, and now I'm watching you fall apart and not knowing if I'm going to lose you too. Jesus, Shane, I let you out of my sight for five seconds, and then I find you dead in a field. Or... or... I come home and you're in the bath with your wrists cut, or hanging from the fucking balcony railing and I _see_ that shit. In my head. Every single day. Do you know...” He covered his eyes with his hands, a sob infecting his voice. “I don't trust you.” He said quietly. Shane felt his stomach sink. “You work around alcohol, there's alcohol in the house. You finish work smelling of beer and I don't know if you've been drinking it as well as serving it...”

“I don't drink on the job.” Shane argued, offended.

“Would you tell me if you were?” Kian asked. Shane looked away. “Yeah. That's what I thought.” He sighed, unslung his guitar so he could get up and sit properly in the chair next to him. A hand covered his. “Shit, Shane. What am I supposed to do?”

“I don't know.” Shane admitted. “Maybe once we get back to class and you go back to work...”

“I'm not going back to work.” Kian said. Shane stared it him, his heart a fist in his chest.

“Of course you are.”

“No, I'm making more doing this and I... I can't. I can't go back to working days and sleeping nights and seeing you for ten minutes a day and not knowing where you are. Not at the moment. It's...”

“You can't stay with me every minute of every day.”

“I will, if that's what it takes.” Kian's voice was soft resolve. “If I have have to take a semester off and go to every single one of your classes with you, I will.”

“You shouldn't have to...”

“I don't want to have to.” Kian said, scratching at his knuckles. “But until I know that I don't have to, I'm going to. Because if I let you out of my sight for a minute and that's the minute that...” He covered his eyes, beginning to sob quietly into his hands. “Shay, you don't... I saw you sitting there and... I thought I'd died myself, okay? You can't... For a second there you didn't just try to kill yourself, you did it to me too. And if I hadn't gone looking for you when I did, I... Shit, Shane. I could have been at your funeral by now. Do you get that? You selfish fucking prick.”

Shane reeled back, feeling like he'd been slapped all over again.

“So if I have to stand outside every night while you work, and check on you, and wake you up in the middle of the night because for a second there I think you might have stopped breathing, then that's what I'm gonna do. You don't get a say. It's my turn to be selfish, alright? Because the worst thing that could ever happen to me is you taking the easy way out and leaving me here by myself. I would _never_ do that to you. And if you do that to me, I swear to god I'll never forgive either of us.”

He looked up, tired eyes spilling tears. Shane reached out a hand, trying to gently wipe them from cheeks that were pale with exhaustion. Kian flinched away slightly, then settled, allowing it.

“I love you.” He said quietly. “But it wasn't enough to make you want to stay.” He looked down at hands spotted with scabs. “You didn't want to stay for me?”

“Kian...” Shane grabbed him, hugged him hard, felt tears spill down the collar of his shirt. “It wasn't... I wasn't thinking...”

“I always think of you. Every second.” Kian sobbed. “No matter what else, I think of you.” Arms came around his shoulders, crushing them together. “I'm so fucking scared.”

“I'm really sorry.” Shane murmured. Kian shook his head.

“You should be. But it doesn't fix anything.” He wiped his face on Shane's shoulder.

“I'll make it right.”

“You can't.” Kian kissed his cheek. Shane held him tighter. “Just don't leave me, okay? Not like that.”

 

*

 

Shane was moving slowly under him, arms around his neck. Kian licked up his throat, tasted sweat on his tongue, salty and tangible, like proof that he was real. Wanted to fill up his senses with Shane and make sure he was still here, that the breaths pushing against his chest were still going, that the fingers on his back were still warm and moving. Soft, wet kisses filled with moans, legs hitching around his hips, muscles shifting and strong and alive against him, hanging on and not letting go.

“I love you.” Kian whispered, feeling the heat of tight, grasping muscles, pulling him in. “I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.”

“I know.” Shane's head went back on an arching whimper when Kian shifted.

“Mine.” Kian bit up his jaw, pushed a hand between them to feel the throb of blood beneath the surface of hard flesh, moving along with Shane's pulse. “Never leave. Mine.”

“Ki...” He gasped, his head rolling from side-to-side on the pillow, fingers clawing up Kian's back. Kian pushed hard, just to hear the slight pained yelp. Proof that Shane was feeling it. “Yes...” He gasped, hips pushing back for more. Kian groaned, burying his face in a warm chest, crushing his cheek to dark hair, a heartbeat racing under his ear. “Love you."

“Want to stay inside you forever.” He murmured, his hips slowing to keep the edge at bay. He stopped after a moment, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend tight, pulled him in hard. He rolled them onto their sides, pressing their foreheads together, legs shifting to keep them joined.

Shane had been so quiet the last week since their rather frank conversation in the staff room at the club. Kian had been true to his word, had been his shadow. Couldn't do much else. He could feel himself getting panicked when Shane was out of his sight, even when it was just stood outside the bar busking. Then they'd gotten home tonight, snuck in the door to avoid waking the others. Lain in bed for twenty minutes or so, then Shane had turned over, wrapped arms around his waist and kissed him. Just gently. Just once. And suddenly they had been snogging, clawing at each other, fingers in his hair and a leg hooking his waist, Kian rolling on top of him and yanking Shane's arse up, grinding them together while a hot gasp blasted into his throat, teeth scraping at his neck.

“I missed you.” He whispered. Saw Shane's eyes squeeze shut, a low shudder shaking him silently. He had, even though they'd been in each other's presence all the time. He'd missed wanting to be there, Shane wanting him to be there. Being there because Shane was the best place in the world to be, not because he was on some terrifying sentry duty. “You feel...”

Shane's breath quickened, his hips rocking slowly, forcing more of Kian inside him. Kian groaned. Clutched at him. Wrapped him up and caught his mouth, feeling fingers card through his hair, toes curl at his calves while Shane clung onto him, a soft cry filling Kian's mouth.

“Yes...” Shane gasped. “Ki...”

“Shay.” Kian whispered. Dropped a hand, ran it down a perfect arse, a little lower to feel the stretch of Shane's ring, the point where they became each other, where Shane was taking him in, accepting him. Ran his fingers around the edge, heard a moan.

“So full.” Shane muttered, his eyes bright and heavy. Kian swallowed hard, feeling the soft admission affect him, running his fingers over his own hard flesh, feeling hair scratch his knuckles where he stroked over overstretched muscles. “I'm so full, babe. I can't...”

“So tight...” Kian breathed wonderingly. Shane groaned, their noses grinding almost painfully, lips catching, tongues slipping together. A panicked hitch shook Shane's chest, hands sliding over his shoulders to grab on. They parted a second later for Shane to cry out, his face crumpling in concentration while Kian held him.

“I'm sorry. I'm...”

“No...” Kian whispered, fingers still circling the edge, feeling everything twitch under them. Shane cried out again, moving harder against him. “Come if you need.” He urged. “I'm not going anywhere.”

“Ah... Ki... uh...” And that was it. Spilling between them while Kian pulled them hard together, eyes open while Shane's closed, watching him lose himself in his orgasm, mouth open while he panted his way through it, tightening and making it so hard not to come as well. Not wanting to yet, not when Shane felt warm and safe. Kian caught him when he was done, letting them sag together.

“So beautiful.” He whispered, stroking trembling skin. Everywhere he could reach while Shane shivered against him. “You're so beautiful.” Dark eyes cracked open, dazed. “I love you more every single day.” His eyes fell closed again. Kian cupped his cheek, nudging him until they opened again.

He looked into them, kissing him until they ran out of breath.

 

*

 

Shane's first class was fairly chilled. When he stepped outside, Kian was standing there waiting, leaning against the wall near the flower beds, his bag slung over his shoulder. When he saw Shane he smiled, looking a little more relaxed.

“Hey.” Shane smiled, laughing when he was swept into a hug. “It's only been an hour.”

“I know.” A kiss warmed his cold cheek. It hadn't snowed here at all but the January air was still icy on his skin. “How was your lecture?”

“Fine.” Shane shrugged, linking their hands when he pulled away. “Seat was a bit uncomfortable.” He winked. Got a laugh. “You talk to Suzy?”

“Yeah.” Kian nodded. They'd discussed it. Gone over and over it again until Shane was sick of arguing. But Kian was resolved and he couldn't tell him to do anything else, not when Shane was the reason for it. So they'd sat down, added things up again, and found they'd probably be okay, even if it did mean no more free leftovers for dinner. Kian would busk between classes, then at night, and they'd sleep when they could. “She was sort of pissed off.”

“You'll be eighteen in three months.” Shane pointed out. “She'll be able to hire someone cheaper. I'm sure she'll land on her feet.”

“Yeah.” Fingers tugged as they began to walk. “I've got a music class in ten minutes. What are you going to do?”

“Dunno.” Shane shrugged. “Wait for you I guess.” He considered saying he'd head home, have a sleep, but knew there wasn't much point. Had a feeling Kian would blow off class if he did.

“Where will you wait?”

“Don't know. Get some food, go hang out in the library maybe?”

“Where will you be when I come out?”

“I can meet you back outside the theatre.” Shane offered. Kian chewed his lip, a hand sliding into his hair with worry. Shane leaned up, kissed his cheek. “I'll be okay for two hours.”

“Yeah.” Kian nodded, still looking concerned.

“I will.” Shane repeated. “It's a gorgeous day and I've got some notes to go over. Go do your thing, and I'll meet you. Yes?”  
  
“You'll be outside at two?”

“I'll be outside at two.” Shane echoed. He stopped walking, pulled Kian into a hug. Felt him relax. Apart from the hour of Shane's lecture, they hadn't actually been out of each other's reach in almost a month. Even when one of them was in the shower or the toilet, the other was right there in the other room, just a moment away. They were never far apart, but he was starting to notice it now, the slight suffocation. Last night had been letting off steam, but then Kian had gotten all intense, taking things slow when Shane had just sort of wanted a fuck. Though the fingers running around his entrance hadn't been at all bad, stumbling over the edge with Kian lodged deep inside him.

He felt like Kian thought he was fragile. And he got it. He did. He'd done something fairly stupid and unforgivable in a moment of panic, had hurt Kian more in ten stupid seconds than he thought he ever could in a lifetime. But it had been Sligo. It wasn't gone, not by a long shot, but things were different here. Easier. As simple as the fingers entwined through his.

“I'm fine.” He said quietly. He wasn't, but he was getting there and it wasn't being helped by Kian constantly watching him like he was about to throw himself into traffic. The guilt was hard, the mistrust was worse. Seeing that Kian had stopped looking at him as his equal and started looking at him as a tiny fragile thing that could blow away in a puff of wind.

“I'm not.” Kian replied, his voice small. Shane squeezed his hand. “I'm sorry. I'm just not.”

“Okay.” Shane felt his heart sink. Heard Kian sigh heavily beside him.

 


	15. Chapter 15

“Where's your shadow?”

“Shower.” Shane yawned, stretching in the armchair he'd been lodged in for the last couple of hours, his books in his lap. Matt was doing accountancy too, had taken the same classes the year before and was a massive help. It had been a few weeks, but Kian was starting to get a little more comfortable with leaving him for short periods of time, even if it was just while Shane studied.

Matt didn't look like an accountant. Only a little taller than Shane, with a shaved head and arms covered in a mish-mash of tattoos that didn't quite seem to fit together, with a broad Liverpool accent. He looked more at home starting a riot at a football match than preparing mock cash flow statements.

“That lad needs to chill out.”

“He's fine.” Shane dismissed it, using his highlighter on a row of text before tilting his head, pursing his lips. “Does this look right?” He held over the page. Matt peered at it.

“Don't forget your Goods and Services tax.”

“Right.” Shane scribbled it in the empty column. Clara and Freddy were having sex again. They'd started making a game of translating the random Danish moaning. Their other housemate Taran, a nice Welsh kid with a stutter, had the best answers but took ages to get them out. He was at work down at the supermarket on the corner.

“Your penis has too much hair.” Matt translated, while Freddy garbled off a string of loud foreign nonsense. Clara replied a moment later with a complicated squeal.

“Sometimes I steal your cheese.” Shane added.

“The man from the telephone company brought me a platypus.”

There was a rising whine, and a second later they both heard Clara moan, Freddy making a sound like he'd been punched.

“Pick up that mouse.” Shane giggled. “And give it to Batman.”

“What would Batman do with a mouse?”

“She said it, not me.” Shane laughed. They were coming down now. The shower shut off and a second later Kian came out with a towel wrapped around his waist. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Kian nodded, on his way past to the bedroom. Fingers ruffled his hair on the way past. “Alright?”

“Alright.” Shane nodded. “You just missed the show.”

“I could hear it from the bathroom.” Kian snorted. “Freddy said something about needing house made of bacon.”

“That Freddy.” Matt piped up. “Incorrigible.”

“He is.” Kian leaned down, pecking Shane's hair. “How's your studying going?”

“Boring.” Shane sighed. They were in tonight. He had a night off, so they were going to make pasta and watch television. As a date night it wasn't mindblowing, but it was something. Shane thought he needed a little romance. They both did. Something silly and fun that wasn't Kian leaning over his shoulder. “Go get dressed. You're being distracting.”

“Good.” Kian laughed, twitching the towel aside slightly to give him a glimpse. Matt groaned, covering his eyes.

“I'm blinded!”

“Piss off.” Kian smirked. “If you'd actually seen it, you'd be too amazed to speak.”

“I know I am.” Shane grinned, got another kiss. “Go away, I have work to do.”

“Yeah...” Kian sighed, wandering away. Shane watched his arse go, disappearing into their room.

“You can stop drooling.”

“I can't, actually.” Shane snorted, looking back at his book. “He does this annoying thing where he's gorgeous.” Matt pulled a face, and Shane laughed, turning back to his book. They could still hear Freddy and Clara, just faintly, giggling about something. “Can you lot hear us?” He asked hesitantly.

“I hear the bed banging on the wall sometimes.” Matt shrugged. That made sense, their adjoining wall was where the headboard was positioned.

“Sorry.”

“It's cool.” Matt laughed. “I'll bring a lass home one of these nights, and she can keep you two awake. I do hear the occasional noise or something, I guess, but with those two I can hardly complain, can I?”

“I guess.” Shane nodded. Kian came back and Shane budged over so they could squash in the big armchair together, arms wrapping around his waist. “Hello.”

“Hi.” A kiss brushed his cheek. “Guess what I just realised.”

“That it would be amazing if you could go get me a chocolate biscuit?”

“No.” Kian snorted. Shane looked at him expectantly. “It was our two year anniversary last week.”

“Seriously?” Shane gaped. “That's mental! How'd you figure that out?”

“It was around the beginning of the year, right? And then I was thinking it was when we were doing Oliver for the Hawks Well, because I remember us sneaking off to make out, and it was right before school started back, and you were wearing the top hat for the Artful Dodger that time, so.... yeah. Sometime last week. Don't know what day.”

“Well... happy anniversary us.” Shane laughed, turning his head to get a kiss. “We should celebrate with that chocolate biscuit you were about to get me.”

“You're lucky I love you.” Kian climbed back out of the chair, sighing. Shane gave him a slap on the arse as he did. He disappeared down the stairs to the kitchen a minute later.

“Two years?”

“Apparently.” Shane shrugged, looking back down at his book. It was a nice thought, like a little milestone. Matt was silent for a second.

“I thought you were still honeymoon period or something.” He said finally. “The way you're always all over each other.”

“No, just big fans.” Shane smiled. “I quite like him.”

“Yeah, I dunno. The way he's always practically stalking you.” He shrugged. “Usually after a couple of months I'm looking for my own space again. Aren't you sick of it yet?”

“It's complicated.” Shane sighed. But yes, he was. This was fine, the little moments where they'd be hanging out having a laugh, but there was no downtime. It was exhausting, trying to go about his day and then looking over to see Kian staring fixedly at him like he was about to fall apart. But he wasn't going to go into that with Matt. “We've really only had each other, I guess.” He admitted. “There's nowhere else to be.”

“What if you just want to go hang out with your mates, though?”

“We've only got each other.” Shane repeated. Matt stared at him. “He's about the only person I trust, to be honest. It's...” He shook his head. “Long story.”

“Oh.” Matt was twiddling his pen in his hand when Kian came back up the stairs, dropped a kiss on his hair, and handed him a biscuit.

“Thanks.”

“No problem.” Kian nodded, sliding back into the chair with him. “What are we studying?”

 

*

 

“Kian outside again?”

“Yeah.” Shane turned to serve a girl barely wearing a pink dress who seemed to think her cleavage was some sort of bargaining chip to free drinks. It happened a lot, like seeing boobs was equal to the cost of a rum and coke. She looked disappointed when he told her the total, her face grudging while she handed him the money.

“How's he going?”

“Fine.” Shane shrugged. “He's Kian.” They were a few weeks into the semester and things were starting to get a little easier. The other night Kian had even fallen asleep first, though he was still prone to waiting outside Shane's classes. On Monday Shane had run a little late leaving, had gotten caught up discussing an assignment with one of his professors, and the look on Kian's face when he'd finally come out had been hard to look at, somewhere between anger and relief.

“How are you doing?”

“I'm fine.” Shane began to sort a few cocktails for the next in line. “How are you?”

“I'm good.” Luke laughed. “Sorry, just making sure. You two seemed really quiet lately, and Suzy said Kian quit so...” He pursed his lips. “You go through a rough patch or something?”

“Or something.” Shane sighed. “It's fine. Christmas was a bit hard. We just... I dunno. It's complicated.”

“Right.” Luke paused, turning to accept a twenty from two lads, sliding them a jug of beer with the change. “Hey, I'm having another do at mine in a few weeks, if you're interested?”

“Erm...” He knew they'd talked about it before everything had gotten difficult, but wasn't sure where they stood now. Their sex life lately had been... not bad, it was still nice, but it didn't feel as fun any more, like it was a serious thing with too many earnest double-meanings and confirmations. Making love was good and all, but it had been a while since he'd just been fucked, the two of them giggling and groping like kids. “Same sort of party as last time?”

“Yeah.” Luke laughed. “You had a good time, right?”

“Yeah.” Shane chuckled. “It was definitely an experience.” He glanced over. “Have you always... with other people?”

“No.” Luke shook his head. “I mean, we were both big sluts before we got together, but then we did the monogamy thing for a while. It was fine. But after a bit...” He accepted money off a girl who should _not_ have been wearing that top. “I don't know. We have such different hours, we hardly ever see each other, it seemed silly to limit ourselves to the occasional grope in the ten minutes we happen to be in the same place. And sometimes you just want a bit of strange. Makes things fun. Or someone who does things the other person won't, or can't."

“Like what?”

“I don't know. Like... Will gets a hankering to be docked, occasionally, and I'm circumcised. It's not personal, it's just a thing. So he'll find some lad with a foreskin and away he goes.”

“Docked?”

“Yeah, where you get your foreskin, stretch it out, and shove a second cock in there. Like putting two arms in the same sleeve.”

“Ow.”

“Yup. He likes it though.” Luke laughed. “I love him. God, I love him so much that if it was legal I'd be down the aisle in a second, but that's sort of it. It's an honesty thing. If I want to get spanked by a chick with a dick once every few years, then I can say, 'hey, do you mind?' and he'll say 'sure, knock yourself out'.” He snorted, looking back over at Shane. “In a way, it's kind of nice. He's home. If we can't give each other what we need, we can outsource, and then come back.”

Shane nodded. “Kian got sucked off in the bathroom while I snogged him.”

“Good for him.” Luke nudged him lightly on the way past to grab some alcopops from the fridge. “Was it fun?”

“It was...” He grabbed a bottle of orange juice, started to put together a screwdriver. “It was sort of like sucking him without sucking him, if you know what I mean? Like, watching someone else do it reminded me he was mine.”

“Aw...” A hand ruffled his hair on the way past. “That's lovely.”

Shane laughed, batting his hand away. “I don't know. It's weird. It's always been that whole thing where you're supposed to find one person for the rest of your life and never want anyone else, but... I do that with Kian. Already. And sometimes I see him look at other lads...” Though not lately. Lately it had been like his boyfriend's eyes had been locked on with a laser sight. In a way, Shane wished Kian was looking at other lads, take the pressure off a bit. “And I don't know if I should get jealous or worried or what.”

“Best I can say is just be honest.” Luke offered. “If Will wants to fuck a guy who looks like Tom Selleck, I don't mind at all, but if he fucked a guy who looked like Tom Selleck and tried to hide it, that's when I'd wonder why.”

“Tom Selleck?”

“He had a thing for Magnum PI in the eighties.” Luke laughed, then grimaced “Early on I had an affair with another boy. Fucked him one too many times, started to fall for him a little bit, and I stopped telling Will. Started sneaking off to shag him thinking it was okay because we did this all the time. But it wasn't okay, because I knew the reason I wasn't saying anything was that I felt more.”

“What happened?”

“He ended things, and in the end I told Will. So it was a bit of a rough patch. I moved out for a bit, but we sorted it. Laid down some rules. Condoms, of course. It's too silly to say we'll tell each other every time we're thinking about shagging someone, because things happen in the moment, but you at least have to talk about it afterwards. It's fun talking about it afterwards. Like, oh, I started making out with this guy, and you wouldn't believe this thing he did with his tongue. Sort of spices things up in a way, picking up tricks from other people.”

“I've only ever slept with Kian.” The thought brought a smile to Shane's lips. Luke saw.

“That's adorable.”

“I love him.”

“Good.” Luke smirked. “Excellent start.”

 

*

 

Fingers trailed up Kian's back, pushing slowly into the sore muscles below his shoulderblades. He groaned, his face going down into the pillow while Shane shifted atop him, letting out a small laugh that seemed to fill the room.

“There?”

“Yeah.” Kian mumbled. “Back's killing me.”

“Rockstar problems.” Shane teased. Kian laughed. He was sore all over. Standing outside in the cold with a heavy guitar strapped around his neck was not at all good for him. He was making plenty, though. They were actually ahead for once, had all the bills sorted for this month and enough put aside to get a start on next month without having to touch the money his parents had given them for Christmas. They were trying not to, trying to keep it as a failsafe in case something sudden happened.

His mother had suggested applying for a medical card, which Kian was considering, partly because he suspected he might be fairly close to needing new reading glasses. He hardly ever wore the old pair, but now he was starting to need them more and was struggling a bit even with them on. And if one of them suddenly needed the dentist or something, they were going to be in deep shit.

Part of the tension in his back, he knew, was probably stress. He was trying, he was, could see Shane starting to pull away from him and was trying not to be so overbearing, but he was badly nervous whenever Shane wasn't in the room. His boyfriend seemed happy enough, was back to more or less his old self since they'd come home and gotten back into a routine, but it was impossible to push that little voice out of his head that said Shane was just faking it, that if Kian lost sight of him for a moment he'd lose him.

This was easier. Shane on top of him, thumbs digging into the knot above his hips, heavy and tangible and alive.

“Such a sexy bum.” Shane gave it a light swat and Kian chuckled, snuggling his face further into the pillow. “When we're done with this, I'm gonna do something fun to it.”

“Like what?” He wriggled against the sheets, feeling things tighten like they always did when Shane and sex were in the same thought.

“Dunno yet.” Shane shrugged. “Definitely something.”

“Sounds good.” He sighed, feeling everything relax under careful hands. “I'm so fucking glad we have today off.”

“We deserve it.” A kiss brushed the back of his neck. “We work too hard.”

“We do. Oh...” His whole body arched into the elbow that had just started making circles on the flat of his shoulder. “Right there.”

“Gotcha.” It dug a little harder. Kian slapped a hand down on the pillow, trying to focus away from the pain. A second later the tension bled out and he shook it while Shane sat back up, pins and needles trickling down his side. “Better?”

“Yeah. Thanks.” He bucked until Shane lifted his hips and then rolled over, looking up. Bright eyes smiled down at him. “Hey.”

“Hey.” He pushed into the fingers smoothing hair off his forehead. “How are you?”

“I'm good.” Shane shrugged. “Might pop down the shops in a bit, pick up something naughty.”

“Like what?”

“Dunno. Icecream, maybe? Or crisps?”

“Or both?”

“Don't go mad.” Shane laughed. “I'll see what's on sale.”

“I'll find jeans.” Kian sighed, looking around. A hand settled on his chest.

“Or I could go on my own.”

He felt his heart seize. Looked up. Shane was giving him a small, quizzical smile.

“Shane...”

“Kian...” Shane sighed. “I'm going to the shops, not the moon.”

“I'll come, though.”

“No.” Shane bit his lip. “Ki...” He shuffled back then lay down a little, chin rested on Kian's chest. Kian looked at him, feeling tears of panic fill his eyes. “It's fine. I go to class on my own, I go to the library and have lunch on my own when you're in class. I can go pick up a pint of chocolate chip and a bag of Taytos without you watching me.”

“But I could just come?”

“I don't want you to come.” Shane sighed. A lump settled in Kian's throat. “Okay? I'm sorry, but... I haven't had a minute to myself in over a month. I'm going mad. Let me just go down to the supermarket, get some stuff and come back. I promise I'll be fine. Surely you trust me to do that?”

“I...” He looked away. “I dunno.” He said honestly. Saw Shane's face harden with hurt.

“Right, well... I'm going to the shops.” Shane rolled off. “And you're staying here.” He tugged on a pair of shorts while Kian sat up, beginning to protest. Shane gave him a flat, silencing look. “I'm going, and then I'm coming back, and when I do you'll see what a fucking idiot you're being.”

“Shane...”

“Don't.” Shane scooped up his Discman, was already plugging the headphones in while he slid on a pair of sneakers. “I'll see you in a bit.”

The bedroom door slammed behind him.

Kian sat on the edge of the bed, staring at it for a long time.

Then he threw on some clothes and a pair of shoes and followed.

 

*

 

He felt a fucking idiot. Didn't know why he was doing this, but his feet were already moving and he could see Shane down on the next corner, looking either way as he crossed the street and then dashing across, his gait fast and determined. Kian followed, keeping his distance and feeling like the worst spy in the world, or an overbearing mother. He wasn't sure which, but either way could feel anger, hurt and guilt fighting in his chest.

Shane turned the corner. Kian moved a little faster, and when he caught sight of Shane again he was crossing the supermarket parking lot, headphones still plugged in and completely oblivious. He disappeared inside. Kian paused, wondering if he should just wait here and knowing if he did he'd be spotted the moment Shane came back out. He thought about going back home. Shane was obviously fine, and he was behaving like a tit. It wasn't like anything was going to happen on the walk back.

He was still debating it when Shane walked out of the supermarket, headphones plugged in and looking at the cash in his hands, a plastic bag dangling from his wrist. Kian attempted to hide behind a tree, but Shane didn't look up, just walked a little further down the parking lot and into the bottle shop next door.

Kian felt his heart freeze in his chest, angry tears spring suddenly to his eyes. This was it, wasn't it? The reason why he spent every waking moment making sure Shane was fine. Because if he stopped, even for a second...

Shane came back out, a sixpack bulging out of the second plastic bag. Kian was still rooted to the spot when Shane saw him.

The older boy froze, stared at him, one hand coming up to tug his headphones out. There was still a street between them, half the parking lot.

“Ki?” He saw Shane's mouth form the word, couldn't hear it from this far away.

Kian turned and ran.

 

*

 

“What the fuck, Kian?” Two hands pushed hard in the centre of his chest, shoving him the moment Shane walked through the front door. Kian shoved back, feeling hot tears burn his eyes. “I can't go to the fucking shops without you _stalking_ me?” Shane sounded shrill, angry, but Kian couldn't. Couldn't do it when the fresh pain was still wrenching through his gut. “Jesus fucking Christ!”

“What are you doing going to the bottle shop, then?” Kian shot back. Shane stared at him, his eyes hard.

“Excuse me?”

“I saw you...”

“Wow.” Shane crossed his arms. “You are aware that I'm an adult, right? That I'm allowed to have a goddamn beer if I want? I mean, you're acting like a fucking child, so I'm sure you don't know what that's like, but shit, you _are_ a fucking child, aren't you? I forgot.”

“Fuck you.” Kian spat back, the insinuation hurting more than anything. “Seriously? You wanna go there? Okay, fine. I'm a child. You're the one who can barely function unless I'm there to make sure you're not trying to run away or kill yourself or having an emotional breakdown. I may be a child, but I take care of you.”

“That's _all_ you do!” Shane retorted. “I'm not a fragile fucking baby, Kian. Jesus. At some point you have to appreciate that this isn't you playing fucking house! We're supposed to be in this for the long run, and it's like you're trying to slap a bandaid on everything that doesn't work. This is shit we have to live with. Are you actually going to stalk me day and night for the rest of our lives? Because, I'm sorry, it's been a month and I'm about to go mad. I miss hardly ever seeing you, because at least when I did I fucking _wanted_ to see you!”

Kian reeled back, feeling like he'd been slapped. Shane stormed into the kitchen, tipped the contents of the bags on the counter, and shoved the six-pack in the fridge. The ice-cream in the freezer. Kian stood in the doorway.

“You don't want to see me?” He said quietly.  
  
“I want to be able to have a conversation with another human being.” Shane slammed the fridge door shut. “We literally have each other. That's romantic and all, but I'd like to be able to go have something to eat with people from class without wondering if I'm going to have to explain why I could possibly want to do that without you there. I'd like to be able to study by myself without having you watching me.”

“Shane..."

“Kian...” Shane covered his face with his hands, just for a moment, then ran them up through his hair, eyes exhausted. “I'm over it. Okay? I'm really really over it. I love you. You are the best thing that ever happened to me, but right now I don't appreciate you. Maybe...” He shook his head. “Maybe we should just take some time out, okay?”

Kian didn't know what to say. Couldn't say anything, not with his heart lodged in his mouth. Shane stared at him, eyes wet with tears.

“You're... you're breaking up with me?” He said quietly. Shane reached out a hand, and he stared at it blankly, not sure what to make of it. It closed around his wrist a second later.

“No.” Shane murmured. “I'm not. Just...” An arm came around his shoulders and he tried to pull away, felt it hold tight. “Come here.”

“Don't leave me.” Kian sobbed, burying his face in the same warm shoulder that had always been there, trying to absorb the feeling. “I can't...”

“I'm not.” Fingers twisted into his hair. “Maybe we just did this a bit soon. Maybe it's my fault. We didn't get to just... be ourselves as grownups or whatever and...” Kian wrapped arms around him tight, hung on as hard as he could. “You gave up everything for me. I love you so much for that.” A kiss touched his cheek.

“I wanted to.”

“I know, and that's what frightens me.” Shane said quietly. “I don't want you to have to keep doing it because you're scared you'll lose me.”

“I did.” Kian whispered. “I lost you. You would've...”

“I know.” Shane sighed, his voice heavy with tears. “And I'm so sorry, but I feel like I'm getting punished every day for it, and it isn't making things better. I need you to support me. Instead it feels like you're accusing me of something I haven't done.”

“I'll do anything, I'll...”

“I don't want you to.” Shane hugged him tighter. “That's my point. You don't have to fix things, or bend over backwards to make me happy. Just be you, and I'll be me, and things will work themselves out.” A soft kiss nudged his forehead and when Kian opened his eyes it was to thumbs brushing away his tears. “Let's just... spend the next couple of days apart, okay? We can come back at night, and you can tell me all about your day, and I'll actually be interested because I wasn't there as well.”

“Okay.” Kian sighed, the idea putting a hard knot in his chest. Shane kissed his nose. “I'm sorry.”

“Don't be.” A thumb ran over his bottom lip. “No more apologies, okay? From either of us. It's getting ridiculous.” Kian let out a soft laugh at that, got a small smile. He heard the front door, Matt's voice.

“Alright, lads?” He called from the hall. Shane pulled Kian to his chest with one arm.

“Alright!” He called back. “Hey, I popped down the shops, ran into Taran! He got me to pick up that sixer he owes ya! It's in the fridge!”

“Cheers, mate!” Matt called back. “Feel free to nab one if ya want?”

“I'm grand. Thanks though!” Shane dug in his pocket, pulled out a handful of change and a receipt while Matt tromped heavily up the stairs. Kian felt his cheeks redden, pressed his face into Shane's chest. A hand stroked his back. “Bit of time apart, okay?”

Kian nodded.

 


	16. Chapter 16

Shane sat on his bed, listening to the solitude.

Kian had gone to college less than an hour before. They both had classes today, but Shane didn't have one until two and had opted to stay in bed while Kian had showered, dressed, and left, kissing him on the cheek on the way out like he was scared of overdoing it but couldn't bear the thought of not doing it at all. Shane smiled, told him to have a good morning. Kian had looked like he was about to cry.

He'd just had his own shower, thrown on some clothes, and was trying to figure out what he wanted to do. Studying seemed too anticlimactic, but he didn't really have anyone to call to go out with. Taran and Freddy had both gone to work, Matt was at university, and he'd heard Clara wander out not long ago as well.

He went downstairs, got some cereal, and watched TV. There was nothing on. Nobody said it was crap and told him to change the channel. Then he put on a Boyzone CD and played it really loud. Nobody told him it was stupid pop garbage.

By the time that was all done with, it was only ten o'clock, so he scooped up his books and went to catch a bus.

 

*

 

Kian was having trouble focusing. The bus ride had been hell, far too quiet. He'd stared unseeingly out the window the whole time, had almost missed his stop he was so lost in his own thoughts. Now, sitting through a fairly boring lecture on lesson planning and syllabus, he was about ready to fall asleep.

He hadn't slept at all well the night before. After the blow-up in the kitchen he hadn't known what to say and Shane had been quiet as well, even when they were sat on the couch that night watching television, Shane's hand on his knee like it always was. Kian didn't know what he was supposed to do. If he put an arm around Shane it was probably too clingy. If he pulled away he'd feel lost and horrible. He didn't know what Shane wanted him to do.

He understood what Shane was getting at. In hindsight yesterday had been fairly unforgivable. Shane was right – he wasn't a baby and he didn't need following around – but it was easier said than done. Kian couldn't help it. Shane was somewhere else, and Kian didn't know if he was okay.

He rested his chin in his hands, staring at the slides on the screen. They'd see each other tonight, Shane said. He didn't have work until tomorrow night, which Kian was pathetically grateful for, because the idea of not seeing Shane until early tomorrow, not being able to... check, was more than he thought he could stand.

Class let out. He went to have something to eat and caught up with Suzy for a couple of minutes while she got him a slice of lasagne and some chips. She asked how Shane was. He said fine, for want of anything else to say. Then he ate it by himself, staring into space.

He went to his music tutorial, managed to talk a bit with the guy next to him, but it felt horribly forced and he stopped bothering after awhile, just focused on modulating the phrases on the pages of staff in front of him. When he handed it in he wasn't entirely sure what he'd written, but it was time to go home and for that at least he was grateful.

It was four by the time he got back in. Shane was still out, would be until seven or so. Matt was on the couch though and they started up a game of cards, which Taran joined not long after, and then Clara, who had just buzzed back into the house looking cheerful after her haircut. They all pretended to notice her new highlights, and she taught them how to play a Finnish card game with a name Kian couldn't pronounce. She told them the English translation was something like Shit Pants, so they did that for a while until Freddy got back in with a pepperoni pizza from the Pizza Hut he worked at, claiming that some arsehole had cancelled when it was already made and offered them all a slice.

Kian saved a slice for Shane, wrapping it carefully in clingfilm and putting it in the fridge, then sat back down to watch television with the others, the empty space on the couch beside him feeling way too big.

 

*

 

Shane went into the city before class, wandering in and out of shops until he found a place selling secondhand CDs for less than a pound each. He grabbed a few of those with the leftover tips from his last shift, including a couple of rock and country ones for Kian that he didn't think the younger boy had yet. Then he sat down in the park for a bit to go over some reading for one of his classes, though got distracted when he saw a couple of mounted Garda go past on two beautiful Irish Draughts, watching with a small smile until they disappeared through the trees.

It was pushing lunch by then, so he found a pub and ordered their cheapest entree which turned out to be a cheese toastie, and a half-pint of Guinness, mindful of the fact that he had to be in class in less than two hours. Then he got back on the bus and made his way to the college, sat through his class, grabbed a cookie from the cafeteria where Suzy said he'd missed Kian only an hour or so ago, and how was he? Shane said fine, for want of anything else to say, and went to his other afternoon class, a computer lab session on spreadsheets.

When he got home everyone was watching TV. Kian sat up straight, looking at him as thought he'd quite wanted to run to the door and leap on him but didn't want to get in trouble. It was perversely gorgeous. Shane smiled, leaning over the back of the couch to kiss him.

“Hello.”

“Hey.” Blue eyes stared back at him, muddled with concern. “Hi.”

“Hiya.” Shane replied. “How was your day?”

“It was fine.” Kian bit his lip. “You? Yours?”

“Fine.” Shane chuckled. “What are we watching?”

“X-Files.” Kian glanced over at Taran, who was sat in rapt attention. He was a big sci-fi and fantasy geek, had more novels about elves and aliens and things than Shane had ever seen.

“Did an alien do it?”

“Shh.” Taran said quietly. Shane pressed a finger to his lips, looking back at Kian with a wink. A hand reached up, the back running gently down Shane's cheek.

“Hi.” Kian whispered. Shane smiled.

“Hi.”

 

*

 

“Tell me about your day.” Kian said as they were getting into bed that night. They'd barely had a moment yet to talk. Taran demanded silence during any and all episodes of the X-Files, as well as Star Trek: Voyager, which had been on immediately after. Shane had eaten his pizza quietly, though he had allowed Kian to snuggle into his shoulder, fingers gently stroking his arm while space stuff happened on the screen.

“It was fine.” Shane kicked off his shoes while Kian tugged his shirt off and slid into bed in his boxers. “I got you something.”

“What did you get me?”

“I got...” Shane stood, peering into his school bag, which was sat on a chair in the corner. He dug out a small plastic bag and handed it over. “Here ya go.”  
  
“Shay...” Kian felt a rush of fondness roll over him while Shane slid into bed next to him. An arm came around his shoulder while he peered into the bag, digging out a handful of CDs.

“Didn't think you had them.”

“I don't. Thank you.” Kian hugged him. “Can you afford...?”

“Got 'em cheap second hand. It's fine.” His cheek was kissed, the hug returned. Kian relaxed into it, feeling finally okay for the first time all day. He didn't have these CDs, had wanted them last year but hadn't been able to afford them when they'd come out. He was totally overwhelmed that Shane had remembered. “And then, yeah, dunno, went to the park, had a bite to eat, grabbed a Guinness at the pub, went to class, and here I am.”

“You had a drink?”

“And I'm fine.”

“I didn't mean...”

“Of course you did.” He got a teasing smile. “I had one with lunch because it was a nice day and I'm totally okay, right?”

“Yeah.” Kian bit his lip, looking back down at the CDs. He didn't know if he much liked it, but if he nagged they'd be right back where they started.

“How was your day?”

“It was okay.” He'd wanted to say horrible, but he couldn't explain why it had been without sounding ridiculous. “Clara taught us a card game.”

“Cool.” Shane nodded. “You'll have to teach me.”

“I didn't understand the rules.” Kian admitted. “But I don't know if I lost or not, so I suppose it doesn't matter.”

“I guess not.” A chuckle brushed his ear. “I missed you.”

Kian felt tears touch his eyes, a lump building in his throat.

“Did you?”

“I did.” Shane smiled. “And now you're here, and it's nice.”

“Yeah.” Kian bit his lip, snuggling into Shane's chest. Fingers ran through his hair. “I missed you too.”  
  
“Good.” Shane smiled. “I'm really looking forward to missing you again tomorrow.”

Kian shook his head, not knowing what to say to that.

 

*

 

Shane paused for a second, giving a slight wave when he saw Kian's eyes light up. He'd meant for them to not see each other today, but then he'd had to cross the lawn to get to his next lecture and had seen Kian busking over near the path and hadn't been able to help himself. Though the look Kian gave him when he saw him there had been worth it all by itself, this sweet little smile of total delight while he worked his way through Addicted To Love.

The last few days had been interesting. He could see Kian trying to get an excuse for them to see each other more, but it had been sort of nice not being in each other's pockets all the time. By the time he got home it was more fun, sliding into bed and feeling Kian wake up just enough to cling to him, or coming home in the afternoon when he didn't have to work and sitting on the couch talking about their day. Kian didn't seem to be quite so worried about his safety, had just seemed to genuinely miss him, and that was Shane's favourite part, seeing that quiet look of joy when he pushed open the door, like Kian wasn't there out of some sense of duty, that he was there because seeing Shane was his favourite thing.

“Shane!”

He turned, looking for the source of his name, and smiled when he saw a girl from his accountancy course jogging over with her hand up in a wave.

“Hiya!”

“Hey, Joanne.” He fished for her name for a second. She was one of those girls with a painfully normal face. Quite attractive, but forgettably so. She just looked like every other cute girl with brown hair. “What's the craic?” He could still see Kian out of the corner of his eye, feel his gaze prickling up his side while he kept singing.

“Not much. Hey, a bunch of us are going for drinks tonight. Do you want to come?”

“Oh...” He glanced back over at Kian. He wasn't working tonight, but he was sort of looking forward to spending an evening in with Kian, maybe having a bit of a snog on the couch. Still, he didn't have any friends he could go out with, not with Kian being two months short of eighteen, so it would be a shame to miss out on the opportunity. And this was supposed to be about having a life, so...

He saw blue eyes giving him a quizzical look from across the lawn.

“Sure.” He said. “Where are we going?”

“Erm... dunno? We were just going to meet at the McDonalds on Grafton Street around nine-thirty, maybe grab a bite? Think there'll be about five or six of us?”

“Okay. Cool.” He nodded. “I can do that.” He hefted his bag slightly where the strap was digging into his shoulder under the weight of his textbooks. “Grand. Thanks.”

“Cool.” She nodded. “Look, I have to go, but...” She gestured over her shoulder. “See you tonight, yeah?”

“Will do.” He waved as she dashed off, then turned back to look at Kian, who looked away, obviously trying to be nonchalant. He wandered back over, waited until the song finished.

“Hello.” He got a concerned smile. “Alright?”

“Yeah. Fine.” Shane nodded.

“Who was that?”

“Some lass from my accountancy class.” Shane shrugged. “Hey, what time do you finish?”

“Erm... whenever. I was just going to try to make a couple quid before I went home. Why? What's up?”

“Nothing, just...” He smiled, watching Kian appraise him carefully. “I've only got another hour. You want to get the bus home together?”

“Okay.” Blue eyes flashed with sudden excitement, teeth coming out to bite closed the smile starting to form. “Yes please.” He added. “Everything okay?”

“Everything's fine.” Shane reached out, squeezed his shoulder, got a proper smile. “I'm going out tonight with a few people from my course, thought we could spend the afternoon together instead?"

“Oh.” The happy look deflated quickly though Kian tried to hide it. “Okay. Yeah. Definitely.” He swallowed. “Where you going?”

“Don't know. Just out. Bit of food, maybe go clubbing or something?”

“Will you be home late?”

“Don't know.” Shane replied honestly. “I'll be home, though.”

“I know.” Kian said carefully. “I was just...” He looked away. “Yeah, we can do the bus thing.” He said. “Sure. I'd love to.”  
  
“Good.” He leaned in, kissed a cheek that was coming up a little bit stubbly lately. Kian had always complained that he didn't grow anything while Shane had a five o'clock shadow by noon, but it seemed to be coming in a little bit now. Shane liked it. It was a bit sexy. “You're gorgeous.” He murmured, saw the flicker of a smile. “I love you.”

“Love you more.” Kian said quietly.

 


	17. Chapter 17

“You've got enough money?”

“I do.” Shane nodded, adjusting his jacket. He looked gorgeous. He always looked gorgeous, but now he looked going out gorgeous, like he was being gorgeous for other people. In public. Kian wasn't sure how he felt about that. “I've got a bit extra in case I need to use a payphone too, so I'll call you if anything changes.

“Okay. I'll wait up.”

“You don't need to.” Shane finished sorting himself out in the mirror, turned around with a smile on his face.

“Do you not want me to?”

“Do whatever you like.” A kiss touched the corner of his mouth. “But I'm going to have a good time, and then I'm going to come home. And I'll miss you.”

“Yeah.” Kian nodded, biting back the comment that if Shane was going to miss him then he could just stay here and not go out at all. They'd had a nice afternoon, riding the bus home and watching some television until Shane had to get ready, but it had all felt sort of impermanent, like he was waiting around for Shane to leave. “Have fun.”  
  
“I will.” His boyfriend glanced at his watch. “I've still got fifteen minutes. Wanna make out a bit?”

“No.” Kian laughed. “I know what you're like. You'll get me started and then piss off and I'll have to take care of it myself.”

“Can't help it if I do things to you.”

“You can. Just don't look so sexy.”

“Nothing I can do about that.” Shane smirked. He looked delicious, though, in dark jeans and a black t-shirt and jacket, hair spiked up in front. He plonked down on the bed beside Kian, an arm coming around his shoulders. “You look really worried. What are you worried about?”

“I don't know.” Kian admitted. “I know you'll be fine, I know you'll be back. I just... I don't know.”

“I'm madly in love with you, if it helps.”  
  
“It doesn't. But I appreciate it.” Kian shook his head. “I trust you. I do. You'll be drinking?”

“I'll probably have a couple.” Shane confirmed. “I'm not going to go mad, though, just a couple of beers or something.” Fingers brushed through his hair. “Do you think I'm going to do something stupid?”  
  
“I don't know.” Kian sighed, exasperated. “The last time...”  
  
“The last time I was in a really bad place and wasn't thinking clearly. I was drinking because I wanted to make things hurt less.”

“And now?”

“Now I'm just going to have a pint and dance around like a mental until I get tired, and then come back home to you.” He turned to look at Shane, got a gentle kiss for his troubles. Knuckles stroked his cheek carefully. “I'm in a good place at the moment. I sort of want to enjoy it while I can.”

“You'll tell me if...?”

“I will tell you if I'm not in a good place.” Shane confirmed. Kian nodded. “But you have to let me tell you when that is instead of jumping to conclusions. I know I haven't always in the past, but we have to start trusting each other. There's been too much sneaking around for both of us.” Kian blushed slightly, remembering the stupid thing he'd done earlier in the week. “I'll be honest with you if you're honest with me.”

“Okay.” Kian bit his lip. “Have fun, I guess.”

“I will.” A hand ruffled his hair. “I really am madly in love with you.” Teeth closed around Kian's earlobe, tugging playfully. “Could eat you up.” There was a growling noise, making Kian smile despite his nervousness. “Sexy boy.”

“Shay...” He giggled, nudging him lightly away. “Deutz.”

“Your deutz.” Shane smiled, stood up. “When you're eighteen we'll go out together, okay? I'll take you dancing and we'll get bladdered and fall over and have stupid drunk sex.”

“We could have stupid drunk sex tonight?”

“Maybe when I get home.” Fingers touched his cheek. “Luke's having another do next week. You want to go?”

“Ehm...” Kian hesitated. They'd talked about it at Christmas, had some fairly explosive sex off the back of it, but he couldn't help wondering if things had changed since then. He almost felt like he didn't want to share Shane, not with how little of him he was already getting. Still, their sex life had sort of stagnated lately, had been kind of lost in the emotional politics. They'd shagged, but it felt uncertain and a bit awkward.

“Up to you.” Shane shrugged. “Sounds fun, but if you've changed your mind...”

“No... erm...” Kian looked up, saw a cheeky smile. Returned it without being able to help it. “Okay.” He decided. “Yeah. Sounds good.” Maybe it would be good for them, a bit of a distraction. Shake things up a bit. “When?”

“Tuesday night.” Shane said. He sank down to his knees, resting his elbows on Kian's thighs. “What are you going to do tonight?”

“Don't know.” Kian shrugged. He'd thought about doing a bit of busking but didn't want to look like he was following Shane around if they ran into each other in the city. And he wanted to be near the phone in case Shane called and needed him. “Taran's watching Xena in a bit, so maybe I'll just do that with him, try to get ahead on some reading.”

“Okay. Well...” Shane leaned in, and a playful kiss touched the front of his shorts. Kian squirmed, laughing when Shane bit down lightly. “That's for the road.” He teased, mouthing over the ridge beginning to push out the front of his shorts. “And one for later.”

“Knock it off.” Kian pouted. “Don't start what you can't finish.” He closed his eyes, though, allowing himself to sink for a moment into the feeling of wet heat breathing through the cotton. When Shane pulled back there was a slight damp spot. “Jesus, Shay.” He mumbled as the older boy stood back up, dropping a kiss on his mouth.

“You're gorgeous.” He said quietly. Kian shivered, reaching up to yank him down into another kiss. It was a long one, and slow, while he felt his shorts tighten a little more, a hand brush across his groin. A moan escaped between their mouths.

“Shay...” He gasped, biting his lip when his boyfriend pulled away, brown eyes dancing a smile.

“I love you.” Shane said quietly. “Come walk me to the door.”

 

*

 

It had been so hard not to stay at home and shag Kian rotten, especially now that he was stepping off a bus in the city, the night air cold around him and knowing he had a very warm, willing boy in his bed at home. Still, Shane was sort of excited. Despite his job he actually hadn't been out properly since he'd turned eighteen, had had no one to go with, so this felt sort of like a little milestone, even if he did know the process far too well from the other side of the bar.

“Shane!” He was waved over, saw a cluster of people standing around under the yellow neon arches and began to weave across the street, smiling nervously at the others in the group. He knew two of the others, more or less, had talked to them in labs and tutorials and that, but this was his first time seeing them socially, where they weren't just talking about arrears and capital lease. He had no idea if they had anything in common or not, but one of them was wearing a Radiohead shirt so maybe music was an option.

They all seemed okay. Three other guys, Joanne, and two other girls, who seemed to spend a lot of time giggling and whispering. They got some burgers and Shane fell into step as they began to walk, trying to insinuate himself into a conversation about some movie that had just come out but that he hadn't seen yet.

“Right, what are we having?”

“Erm...” Shane scratched his head, glancing over at the bar. They were in a club about four doors down from the Snake. “I'm alright with a pint.” It was all he could afford, really. Drinking wasn't really factored into their budget.

“Piss on that. I'm getting a round of shots.” Lucas announced. He was a tall boy with a ring through his lip. Seemed nice enough. “Tequila?”

“Ooh, no. I'm anybody's on Tequila.” Her name was Samantha, and she was sort of pretty, with long dark hair and a dress that floated around her knees. She gave Shane a look as she said it, which he didn't know quite what to make of. “Something fun?”

“Kamikaze.” Shane supplied. He'd never tried one, but it was always popular and he knew he liked vodka okay. Plus they weren't that expensive.

“Ooh, they're my favourite!” She clapped her hands. Lucas headed for the bar. “You like kamikazes?”

“Dunno yet.” Shane admitted. “I work at a bar, though, and it's always really popular.”

“Oh, really? Which one?”

“The Brass Snake.” He supplied.

“Oh, that's just up the road.” She turned to grin at Joanne, then looked back at him. “You can't get us free drinks, can ya?”

“Urgh, not The Snake.” Tony, a short lad with ginger hair, rolled his eyes. “That's a faggot bar.”

“What makes you think that?” Shane asked carefully. It really wasn't. If anything they had more trashed girls hitting on random boys than anything.

“Bartender bloke, runs the place. He hit on Steve when we went once. Fucking disgusting. Didn't go back.”

“I wouldn't take it personally.” Shane forced a laugh. “Luke hits on _everyone_. Guys, girls. If he doesn't call you at least 'sugar' it means you're about five seconds from having your arse kicked out for drunk and disorderly.”

“Still.” Tony shrugged, looking away. Shane glanced at Steve, who quite frankly was not Luke's type. He was a mousy kid with glasses and a bookish shyness. Luke was more a fan of the big, broad, muscular type. “It was gross.”

The shots came. They all necked them in short order. They weren't bad – the sugar balanced out the lime so they went down smoothly, with a little kick of a sour headspin at the end. They got up to dance, Shane laughing when the girls started busting out an obviously pre-choreographed dance to a Madonna song.

“Won us third place in the school camp talent show.” Samantha laughed when they were done.

“You all went to school together?”

“Yeah, us three...” She pointed at the other two girls, Joanne and a cute Indian girl called Kyra. “I'm doing veterinary science now.”

“Oh cool!” Shane nodded. “I'm from the country, so we had lots of dogs and horses and stuff.”

“I love horses! My brother used to take me riding some weekends. I wasn't very good.” She laughed bashfully. “City girl, me. Used to have a bruised arse like you wouldn't believe. Fun, though.” She looked at him consideringly. “We should go sometime. You could teach me.”

“Sounds good.” Shane grinned. Kian would never do it, would probably wait at the stables being supportive. It wasn't nearly as fun, like going on a rollercoaster by yourself while somebody else held the bags.

“I'll give you my number.” She offered, reaching into her handbag for a pen. “Here.” The pen tickled his hand while she scribbled it on the back, underlining her name twice. “Don't wash it off.”

“I won't.” He promised. “Cheers.”

“Grand.” She smiled. “I'm going to get another drink. You want one?”

“Oh... no I'm strapped.” He patted his pockets for emphasis. “Thanks though.”

“It's on me.” She patted his hand. “You're a bartender. What do you recommend?”

“Oh, I couldn't put you out...”

“It's fine.” She assured him. “Take it in advance of riding lessons.”

“Okay.” He chuckled. “Erm... how about a cherry bomb? Cherry vodka and Red Bull.”

“Sounds good.” She turned to the bartender, giving their order. Shane realised they were by themselves – the others had all wandered of to dance. “Here you go.” She handed it to him a minute later. “Cheers.” He knocked his back, felt the sweetness go down his throat fast. “Another?”

“Uh... no thanks.” he put the shotglass back on the bar. “Let those settle first, see where we're at.” He wanted to be reasonably sober when he got home to Kian. Partly to show his fears had been unfounded, partly because he suspected Kian would be waiting up and after the noises he'd made when Shane had teased him earlier, tasted him through his shorts, he wanted to be ready and willing to pick up where they'd left off.

“Dance?” She gestured over her shoulder.

“Sure.” Shane nodded, following her out onto the floor.

 

*

 

Kian picked up the phone on the second ring. It was past eleven and he had the house to himself. Matt had gone out with a girl, and Taran had tagged along with Clara and Freddy to the movies. The invitation had been extended to him as well but he wanted to be home in case Shane called.

“Hey gorgeous.” Shane's voice was warm and real in his ear. He felt something that had been tense in his stomach uncoil slowly.

“Hi.” He replied. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah.” There was loud music in the background. Shane was raising his voice a little bit. “Just thought I'd call and see how your night's going.”

“Fine. Everyone's out.” He shrugged. “I was just working on some composition stuff for class and then I got distracted and started watching TV.”

“What's on?”

“Pepsi Chart repeat.” He could still just see the screen from where he was stood near the phone. “Robbie Williams is on.”

“Oh cool!” Shane laughed. “The music here's shite. All this trance, house garbage.”

“You're having a good time?”  
  
“Yeah, not bad.” He could feel Shane's smile through the phone. “I think we're going to another place after this and then I might bail. Be home around two?”

“Okay.” God, that was ages. “Well... have fun.”

“I will. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“I miss you.”

Kian bit his lip, feeling a lump fill his throat.

“I miss you too.”

 

*

 

The next place was packed. Everyone else was getting increasingly drunk and Shane had had another shot when Steve bought a round, covering his mouth against a burp when it hit the bottom. He'd talked to Samantha mostly, had avoided Tony more or less since the comment about Luke. She was giggling now, leaning against Kyra in the booth they'd managed to acquire. He glanced at his watch. Just after one.

“I'm off, guys.” He announced, standing up. “Gotta get home.”

“Aww...” Samantha pouted. “Do you have to?”

“Yeah.” he nodded. “Thanks for the good time, though. Let me know if you want to do it again.”

“Definitely.” She began to get out of the booth, climbing over her friends. “I'll walk you to the taxi.”

“I'm on the bus.” Shane explained. A cab was a mad indulgence he couldn't afford.

“Oh.” She climbed out anyway. “I'll walk you out, then.”

He shrugged, figuring it couldn't hurt, and waved goodbye to the others. A second later they were out in the cold air. He tugged his jacket tighter.

“So um... you'll call me, right?”  
  
“Definitely.” he looked at the slightly blurred digits on the back of his hand. “Maybe we can go riding one weekend?”

“Or for dinner.” She blurted, then blushed. “Or... we could go for dinner.”

“Uh...” Shane blinked. Then realised. Oh. Oh! Oh. Fuck. Um. “Oh, shit, sorry.” He blushed himself. “You... shit. I'm sorry. I'm... I'm gay.” Her face went sort of blank, then she frowned.

“You know, if you weren't interested, you could have just said. You don't have to make shit up.”

“No. I am. I'm really...” His cheeks were burning. She looked really pissed off. He dug in his wallet, fishing for the photo he kept in there. He found it, held it up. “This is um... this is Kian. He's my boyfriend.” She stared at it, the picture taken early last year before he'd told his mother, back when things had been simpler. Stared at Kian's arms around his waist, the kiss Shane was pressing to his forehead while the younger boy laughed. “So yeah. Shit. I'm sorry, it's my fault. I'm totally oblivious with this sort of thing. I just...”

“Why didn't you say?”  
  
“Dunno.” He smiled weakly. “Just... figured with what Tony said it probably wasn't the right crowd. You know. Um...” He ran a hand through his hair. “I... I honestly really did want to go riding with you. You seem like a nice lass, and Kian's scared of horses so...”  
  
“I know how to ride a horse.” She sighed. “I just said I couldn't so you could teach me, and then I'd look really impressive when I learned fast.” Her cheeks were bright red. “Fuck. Sorry. Joanne said there was this cute guy in her accounting course and I just got out of a weird relationship, so...” She swallowed. “Yeah. Well. So... this is embarrassing.”

“Yeah.” He snorted, glancing at the photo before tucking it back in his wallet. “Um... I... do you want to go get something to eat, maybe? Like, I'm sort of starving and... I sort of feel like I should make up for it.” He glanced at his watch. If he made it quick he could still grab the next bus. “We can go grab a cheeseburger or something?”

“I...” She hesitated, glancing back at the door. Then smiled. “Okay. Cool. I'll go get my coat.”

 

*

 

“Wait, so he wanted to make you dress up as _what?_ ” Shane covered his mouth over a shocked laugh.

“Raggedy Ann.” Samantha giggled. “Like, and it wasn't even dressing up in a slutty halloween costume or anything. He literally wanted me to lay there perfectly still like a doll while he like... picked at my seams and looked into my button eyes and shit.” She was going red again. “I caught him fucking a teddy bear about a week later, stuffing everywhere while he called it names, telling it it had been bad. I left pretty fast after that.”

“Jesus.” Shane snorted. He'd barely touched his burger, hadn't been able to around his laughter. “How long were you with him?”

“Only a couple of months. Nice enough guy, but I thought he was excited when I let him into my room because he thought he was getting some, not because he saw my Build-a-Bear collection.”

“He didn't...”

“No. Thank god.” She shook her head, nibbling on a couple of fries. “Don't go spreading this around, okay? I just told people he cheated on me. It was better than...”

“I don't think anybody would believe me.” Shane pointed out. “But no. I won't say anything.” He grabbed a couple of fries of his own. “Sorry, you're not exactly improving your run with me.”

“It's fine. I mean, it was disappointing because you seem really normal, but...”

“Thanks.” Shane pouted, got a grin.

“No, I mean, like, you're really cute and stuff but... I didn't mean you were boring.”

“I sort of am.” Shane explained. “I work, I go to class, I go home. I want to be an accountant, for god's sake.”

“You ride horses.”

“I used to.” He took a bite of the burger. It was a bit lukewarm, but with how fed up the guy behind the counter looked he supposed it could be worse.

“Not anymore?”

“Not so much.” He swallowed. “I live in the city now, so.”

“What about when you go home?”

“Don't really do that.” She cocked her head in a question. “My mam sort of flipped when I told her I was gay. I haven't spoken to her in...” God, nine months. Had it really been that long? His sister would be back from her honeymoon by now, probably. “A long time.” He finished.

“That's a shame.”

“It is what it is.” He shrugged. “Kian sort of took care of me afterwards. He's a bit overbearing sometimes, but he loves me. He's mad for doing it, but he does.”

“He sounds nice.”

Shane nodded, wiping sauce off his fingers while he checked his watch. Time to go. He smiled, feeling a low rush of anticipation wash over him.

“He's the best.”

 

*

 

Kian woke to a hand shaking him gently. He cracked open an eye, shifting where he was laid uncomfortably on the couch.

“Hey.” Shane murmured. Kian smiled, rubbing his eyes. “Whatcha doing up, sleepyhead?”

“Fell asleep.” He yawned while he sat up. The clock on the wall said almost three. “Sorry.”

“No...” Fingers ran through his hair. “If you hadn't, then I wouldn't have gotten to wake you. So cute.” His forehead was kissed. “Come to bed.”

“Yeah.” He agreed, letting Shane pull him to his feet and into a hug. “How was your night?”

“Interesting.” Shane chuckled. “I'll tell you about it in the morning, okay?”

“Okay.” Kian's eyes were already closing as he was led to the bedroom. The others had gotten home before midnight and gone to bed, but he'd been determined to say up. Shane turned off the TV as they went, nudging him up the stairs.

The bed was warm and soft when he fell into it, sleepily watching while Shane stripped off his clothes and climbed in, resting his head on Kian's chest.

“Missed you.” Kian mumbled.

He was asleep before he heard the reply.

 

*

 

“Mmm... yes...” Kian gasped, arching into the kisses trailing down his chest. He'd just woken to the feeling of Shane nibbling his neck, had been moaning before he'd even opened his eyes.

“Morning.” Shane's voice was hoarse with sleep. “I didn't have time to suck you last night. Want me to finish the job?”

“Yes please.” The words stuck in his throat a little. Teeth scraped over his nipple, Shane's chest warm where it was crushing his cock to his belly. He lifted his legs, wrapped them around a slender back, felt a hand slide up his thigh, caress him slowly while he bit his lip and tried not to cry out. “Shay...” He managed, feeling the hand tighten, slide up to close around the head. “Please...”

“So hard...” Shane breathed, sliding down and running his tongue up the shaft. Kian groaned, looking down at hungry eyes, a hungrier mouth. “Tastes so good...” He bit his lip, head going back. A hand played under his balls, rolling them gently, pressed back slightly while Shane took him in with his mouth, bobbing, finger moving...

“Fucking hell...” He groaned. Felt the soft chuckle more than he heard it. “God, Shane...” he closed his eyes. The finger screwed deeper, crooking, and he whimpered against the torture of Shane stroking him. Flopped his legs out to give Shane more space. A hand crawled up his chest, fingers tweaking at a nipple until he was rocking helplessly on the bed. “Ah...”

He grabbed the hand against the rush of arousal, twisted his fingers through it to ground himself and saw a flash of black on it. Turned it and looked at it through the confusion of his impending orgasm.

“Who's Sam?” It was written on there in black, underlined twice with a phone number underneath. He heard a slight laugh and when he looked down Shane, was bobbing lower, looking up at him with a sparkle in his eyes. “Who's Sam?” He said again, feeling his chest tighten.

Shane pulled off slightly, mouth popping free and running down the side. “I'll tell you in a bit.” He chuckled, lapping up before plunging back down again. Kian whimpered, hips moving of their own accord.

“I...” He swallowed hard, wondering why Shane was being so evasive. Maybe he was being stupid, but Shane had a phone number written on the back of his hand and wasn't telling him why, was distracting him instead, maybe stalling for time to think of an excuse. “Just tell me who Sam is?” He said quietly. The finger pulled out of his arse while Shane let go, wiping his mouth on his forearm.

“You don't trust me.” He said flatly, sitting back up on his knees.

“I do... I...” Kian bit his lip against the accusing stare. “I just wanted to know.”

“And I said I'd tell you in a bit.” Shane crossed his arms.

“I want to know now.”

“Right, well...” Shane was getting out of bed, then, grabbing a towel off the hook in the corner and wrapping it around his waist. He was hard himself but seemed to be ignoring it. “I'm going to go have a shower.”

“Shane...” Kian protested. “It's not... I just asked a question.”

“No, you asked me to stop sucking your dick so I could explain myself.” Shane argued. “It was a funny story that happened last night and I was going to tell you while we had breakfast, but then you decided I'd done something wrong.”

“Tell me now, then.”

“Why?” Shane scowled. “This is the _point_ , Kian! If you came home with a number written on your hand I'd just think you had a number written on your hand. I wouldn't start accusing you of things, I'd just assume that if it was important you'd tell me, and then I'd let you keep sucking my cock because it's fun and I trust you.”

“I do trust you. I just...” He glanced at Shane's hand. “Why won't you tell me, then?”

“Because you're being an arse.” Shane retorted. He looked at the black marks on his hand then glared in Kian's direction. “Okay. Fine. _Samantha_ was a nice girl who sort of hit on me until she found out I was gay. We had a laugh, a couple of drinks and a cheeseburger, then I left early so I could come home to you.” He crossed his arms. “Is that alright with you? Or would you like to put a hidden camera on me as well.”

“Why do you have her number then?”

“Because she was cool and she likes horse-riding.” Shane finished. “And now I'm going to have a shower. You can do whatever the fuck you want.”

He stormed out of the room leaving Kian sat on the bed, not hard any more and his cheeks blazing with shame and anger.

 

*

 

“Shane...” Kian's voice sounded tiny through the roar of the water, the anger and disappointment rushing through Shane's ears. “Babe, I'm... I'm sorry. I didn't...”

Shane shook his head, blinking water out of his eyes. Kian was stood naked in the doorway, one hand on the frame, his lip bitten and tears in his eyes. Shane looked away, not having the energy to fight or to forgive. It was too much. He'd thought things were going well, that they were getting back on track, but Kian had jumped straight to conclusions, to assuming Shane was lying to him. It wasn't even about his safety, it was like Kian was trying to control every tiny thing in his life.

“Shay?”

“Ki...” He sighed, ducking under the water. The phone number was probably washing off but he could always get it from Joanne. “What do you want me to do here? You want me never to speak to anyone else again? Stay at home all the time?”

“No.” Kian said quietly. “I just... you wouldn't tell me and...”

“We don't have to tell each other every single thing.” Shane pointed out. “You want to hear what colour my shit was this morning? How many steps it took to get to the bus last night?'

“That's different.”

“I know, but it was a long story and I was busy wanting to be with you.” Shane pushed water out of his eyes. “Do you think I'd cheat on you?”

“No.” Kian mumbled. “Sorry.”

“And so what if I have a phone number? It could be anyone. It doesn't even mean I'm going to call it.”

“That's why I asked.” Kian reasoned. “I didn't know.”

“And I said I'd tell you.” Shane stepped out of the water to soap himself up. “I remember you telling me ages ago that you thought it would be okay if I slept with someone else because we trust each other and this isn't about sex. That this is about being supportive and you being my best friend.” He glanced over at Kian, who was looking away. “You weren't panicky and clingy all the time. We got along. I thought we understood each other. Trusted each other. What happened?”

“You tried to kill yourself in my backyard at Christmas.” Kian gulped, his voice thin. “Jesus, Shane, you think that just goes away?”

“No, I don't. I...” He looked at Kian, at hunched shoulders, fingers twisting miserably in front of him. He pushed the shower door open. “Get in.”

“What?”  
  
“Get in.” Shane repeated. Kian bit his lip, looking hesitant, then nodded, crossing the room and stepping in. The door was closed behind him to trap in the steam. Kian stood against the wall, shivering slightly when his back touched the cold tiles. Shane stared at him for a long moment while blue eyes stared back. “What are we going to do?”

“I don't know.” Kian whispered. Shane sighed. How could he explain how he was feeling? The stifling, attacked, horrible feeling, like being back at home, being constantly judged and checked on and made to feel like he was falling short of someone else's ridiculous expectations. He'd always loved that Kian accepted him as he was, but now he felt like he'd set a precedent he had to keep living up to. Like who Kian had accepted wasn't allowed to change or grow up, not even a little

“You're not my minder.”

“No.” Kian murmured.

“We're going to grow up. Things are going to change, you know?” He reached out a hand, cupping a cheek that was dimpled with a frown. “We're going to be different. We're going to meet people and find new things we're interested in, and they may not always be the same things. We can't just stay exactly the same forever. This isn't an adventure any more. This is real life.”

“Yeah.” He saw Kian's chest hitch, leaned in to press a kiss to his forehead.

“And I love you.” Shane murmured, feeling Kian's back heave when he gathered his boyfriend into his arms. “I love you so fucking much. I want us to grow up together.”

“I do too. I'm not...” He swallowed hard. “I want that.”

“Good. So let it happen.” He felt fingers clench at his back. “You can't control everything, and you can't stop bad things happening. Things are going to occasionally be really shit. Like, really shit. I need to know you've got my back, not that you're just going to wrap me in cotton wool and stick your head in the sand, or start fighting everything until you can ignore it.”

“I just want you to be okay.” Kian said, his voice hoarse with tears. “If I lost you...”

“If you lost me you wouldn't have anything.” Shane agreed, heard Kian sob. “Because you won't focus on anything else _but_ me. Come on, Ki. You don't have any friends, you don't go out by yourself... That's a lot of pressure, when I'm the only one you have.”

“But I love...”  
  
“I love you too.” Shane interrupted. “I adore you. You're gorgeous and sweet and sexy and you make me laugh but... there has to be something else. There has to.” He pulled up a beautiful face, kissed two tearstained cheeks. “Aren't you sick of being so worried all the time? I'm exhausted.” Lips found his. Shane met the kiss, running his fingers through wet hair. Kian broke it a moment later.

“I'm really tired.” He admitted. Shane nodded, pulling him in close. A chin rested on his shoulder. “I feel like I'm under a leaky ceiling, and I'm running out of buckets.”

Shane laughed, the image was so odd. Kian giggled too, leaning into his chest.

“You can let go.” He said quietly, the water still beating down on them. “I've got you.”

 


	18. Chapter 18

“You look fine.” Arms wrapped around his waist while he tried to sort out his jacket. “More than fine.” Brown eyes met his through the mirror, sparkling and cheeky. Kian smirked, rolling his eyes when teeth sank into the back of his neck, gnawing gently. “I'd fuck you.”

“I'd fuck you too.” Kian replied, fixing up his hair. He'd finally gotten it cut the other day and it was far shorter than he was used to, flopping over the tops of his ears, his fringe just hanging in his eyes. There was nothing on his neck, which was the weirdest part, but if it made space for Shane to nibble the bare spot at his nape he was okay with that. “Can I fuck you?”

“We're going out.” Shane chuckled. “You'll have to hang on.”

“But... Oh.” He closed his eyes against sudden shuddering pressure when Shane ground against him from behind. “Fuck yes.”

“Mm...” A tongue slid up his neck. “So sexy.” It was breathed deliberately in his ear, leaving him under no illusions of Shane's intentions. “Can't wait to get you out of that jacket.”

“Knock yourself out.” Kian suggested, holding his arms behind in invitation. “Then you can get me out of my jeans.”

“No.” A kiss brushed his ear, then moved away. Kian pouted. “Come on. Train.”

“Penis...” He gestured. “Look, it does things. It has speeds and settings.”

“That's advanced.” Shane agreed, grabbing his hand. “Come on.”

The train was packed, so they had to stand. They found a spot near the doors and Shane grabbed a railing with one arm and Kian's waist with the other, holding him steady and kissing his hair. Kian snuggled into his shoulder, ignoring the disgusted look they were given by a couple of guys in orange construction jackets, their shorts and boots covered in dirt and dust. They got those sort of looks from time to time but he didn't have the energy to care. The only opinion that mattered was Shane's.

The last week or so had been hard. He'd had to do a lot of thinking, a lot of letting go. Trying to find that headspace he'd been in only six months ago when Shane had been working nights, he'd been working days, and he'd managed to do it without freaking out all the time. Trying to find the point where caring didn't become obsessing. Because he'd seen it, in Shane's eyes, where he was starting to pull away. Where there were only so many straws left until the last one.

“There's a guy over there who keeps checking out your arse.” Shane said quietly. Kian laughed slightly, glancing over his shoulder.

“Not my type.” He looked back up at Shane. “Too many piercings.”

“He's got good taste, though.” Shane whispered. “It's because you've been going to the gym. You're getting sexier.”

“I've only been twice.” It had been good though. He'd done it while Shane had been in class the other day, been bored, had a bit of a sore throat and hadn't wanted to sing so had gone for a wander and peeked inside the university gym. He'd ended up punching a bag for almost half an hour, just taking out some of his frustrations and enjoying the feeling of something he could actually hit. He'd been dripping sweat afterwards, but it had been worth it and by the time he'd met up with Shane for afternoon tea he'd felt much more relaxed. So he'd gone back again and done it the next day, started chatting to a few other guys while he was down there and getting invited to a casual game of football at the park next week.

“Shane?”

Kian looked up to where a couple of girls were waving from further down the aisle. There were too many people crammed in between them to reach, but Shane leaned over and waved, getting a bright wave back from a girl with long dark hair hanging over her shoulder in a braid.

“Hiya! How're ye?”

“Good! Shit, this is weird!” She called back. The pretty Indian girl next to her laughed and smiled in their direction. “How've you been?”  
  
“Well, yeah.” Shane nodded. “Sorry... Kian, Sam, Kyra...” He pointed between the three of them.

“This is Kian? Hi!” She grinned at him. “Shane was banging on about you the other night.” Kian felt himself blush a little bit. So this was Sam. He felt like a fucking idiot now. “You're lucky! I basically threw myself at him, and nothing. This one's a keeper.” Shane chuckled, hand closing tighter on his waist. “Where are you going?”

“Mate's party.” Shane called back. “You?”

“Friend from highschool's having an eighteenth, so we're taking her out to get trashed.” Sam announced. “Should be a late one. Hey, I'm going riding on Wednesday afternoon, if you're interested?”

“Yeah, love to. How much is it?”

“Nothing. My cousin's got horses out at Ashtown, so I was just going to muck about for a couple of hours, maybe go riding around the park.”

“Cool! Um...” Shane turned to look at him. “You mind if I go?”

“Course.” Kian nodded. He was a bit worried that it would stir up old memories, but this might be good for Shane, doing something he loved without all the baggage that came attached. “I don't think we had plans.”

“Brilliant.” A kiss touched his forehead, just a little chaste one while they were in public and ostensibly in the midst of conversation. “Yeah, we can do that.” He called back. The train was slowing now, pulling to a stop. “Shit, this is us. Um...”

“Look, call me and I'll pick you up.” She said as they began to sidle towards the door. “Have a good night!”

“You too! Shane called back. “See ya, Kyra!”

Kian heard a goodbye called out to him as he stepped off, so he waved through the window, got smiles and waves back. The doors slid shut. A hand linked with his.

“Well, I feel like a massive tit.”

“You _are_ a massive tit.” Shane pointed out. Kian groaned, leaning into his shoulder while they began to walk, felt a soft laugh brush his hair. “But I love you.”

 

*

 

The spa was warm. Kian sank into it, snuggling up to Shane's side with a cold beer in his hand. Will was across from him. Nothing much was happening, but they'd only been here ten minutes and people were still trickling through the front door.

The other lads in the jacuzzi were naked, so he and Shane had stripped off too. Not that you could see anything through the bubbles, but it was the spirit of the thing. He raised a hand in a wave when Luke came over, pressing a glass of champagne into his partner's hand.

“Lads. Howya?” He grinned, sipping from his own flute. Will tipped his head back, getting a cheeky kiss. “Kian? You eighteen yet?”

“Two more months.” Kian sighed, taking a sip from his bottle. “You gonna card me?”

“Fuck off.” He laughed. “Just checking. Robbie...” He pointed over at a lad grabbing a handful of crackers from a bowl near the firepit. “Likes 'em young and cute. Just a heads up. Guard your arse if you're not interested.”

Kian squinted through the steam. Robbie was sort of hot, just over six foot, with broad shoulders and a laughing face, abs for days and with a treasure trail that led into tight black boxer shorts. He swallowed, looking at the bulge there. Maybe a bit old for him, probably Luke's age, but...

“He's hot.” Shane said quietly in his ear. “You want him?”

He swallowed again. “I... I dunno.” He whispered back. “He's big.”

“Thought you liked muscles?” Shane murmured. “He's got nice arms.”

“You've got nice arms.” Kian replied, feeling like he should be complimenting Shane. Shane was fit, but he was small and slim. They fit together, the right height for kissing, for tangling up together in bed. That guy... “Only if you're there."

“Not my type.” Shane shrugged. “That one over there, though...” He nodded slightly. There was a smaller guy, blonde and tanned, his naked cock half-hard in a close-cropped nest of darker hair. He was very pretty, with slender hips and a a full mouth. “I'd get on that in a heartbeat.”

“It's a buffet, lads, not a fixed menu.” Will cut in, obviously overhearing while they tried to keep their voices down. Luke had wandered off while they were talking. “Take a bit of everything if you like.”

“No...” Kian shook his head, snuggling closer into Shane. “I don't want to if Shane's not there.” He looked up, kissing his boyfriend's cheek. Got a squeeze back. Robbie, though... He was taking his boxers off and oh... okay. Fuck. That was...

Shane made a low whistle next to him. “Fucking hell.”

“Yeah.” Kian agreed, turning his head. “That's um...”

“Big.” Shane breathed. “Jaysus.” He looked down at the water. “Well, now I feel fucking inadequate.”

“I wouldn't.” Will winked at him. “His cock's enormous, and he's a real sweetheart, but he's dumber than a fence-post. I once heard him ask how long it took apples to turn green, because all the ones at the supermarket were still red.”

Shane burst out laughing. Kian giggled too, staring in surprise at the very attractive man eating a wedge of cheese across the backyard.

“Watch this. Robbie!” The big man's head shot up and he smiled, beginning to wander over. “Hiya, love, haven't seen you in ages!” He got a hug from behind, twisted his neck to press a kiss to a stubbly cheek. “Hey, we're just having an argument, might be able to settle it for us. Eggs, right?” Robbie nodded. “Fruit or vegetable, do you reckon?”

“Um...” He pursed his lips, not at all seeming to notice that the question was profoundly stupid. “Fruit, innit? I mean, fruits have seeds, right? Like tomatoes are a fruit.”

“Do eggs have seeds?”

“Yeah, the yolk, wouldn't it be?” He laughed. “I don't fucking know, mate. You're the doctor.” He glanced over in their direction while Kian tried to hide a surprised laugh, Shane shaking slightly next to him. “Hey, lads. Sorry. Robbie. Hi.” He reached out a hand. They both shook it, though Kian got a wink. He barely noticed, was a bit busy staring at the enormous cock swinging between his legs. “Bit young, ain't ya?”

“Legal, I promise.” Will smirked. “Getting in?”

“Nah, catch up with you later. Max just got here and I haven't seen him since your fuck-do in '95.” He glanced back over at Kian and Shane. “See you lads soon, yeah? He dropped another wink at Kian. “Looking forward to getting to know ya.” He disappeared inside. Will turned to look at them, his lips pursing over barely contained laughter.

“See?” He grinned. “Don't get me wrong. Lovely, lovely man. But good god, if it wasn't for that body...” A wistful sigh left his lips. “One time he fucked me so hard I thought I was going to pass out. It was brilliant. Anyway...” He stood, began to climb out, and Kian snuck a peek while he did. He had a fantastic arse. “Party games in half an hour, alright? See you in there.”

“Party games?” Shane asked.

“Oh. Yeah.” Will smiled. “Hope you like Jenga.”

 

*

 

Shane pursed his lips, squinting as he slowly slid the Jenga block out of the tower. They were split into two teams in circles on the floor, each with their own tower. Every block had something written on the bottom of it, which you couldn't see until you got it out, and whatever it was had to be performed on a member of the other team for fifteen seconds. Fortunately Kian was on the other team. If you knocked over the tower you were out of the game.

It came free. He turned it over, grinning when there was a general round of applause. “Okay...” He laughed. They'd only just started, and so far he'd seen Luke nibble the ear of a sexy Italian guy who had giggled through the whole thing. Then someone on his own team had sucked the toes of a very cute boy with a tattoo of a pirate down his arm. “French kiss.” He glanced over at Kian, who winked. “C'mere, you.” His boyfriend crawled over, grinning. They'd put robes on when they'd gotten out of the spa. It felt weird just sitting around naked, though some of the other players didn't appear to have the same problem.

He slid his hand into blonde hair that was shorter lately. It was really cute, made Kian look softer and younger, a bit like he'd stumbled out of a boyband instead of a rock band. Kian tilted his head and Shane leaned forward, sticking his tongue out slowly to lap over full lips, a tongue coming out to meet his own a second later.

They tangled together, Kian's hand sliding up into his own hair while a soft moan brushed his mouth, Shane sucking gently on his lower lip before sliding his tongue over the upper one then plunging in deep, heard a low growl.

“Time.” Luke called. Kian whimpered, pulling away. They went back to their seats.

The game progressed slowly. Shane watched someone get their nipples sucked, another guy get the first thirty seconds of a handjob, left a little breathless and three quarters of the way to full mast when they ran out of time. He watched with interest, feeling his own cock stir while a sweet looking guy with glasses spanked a more bearish guy, grabbing his arse between each of the six sharp smacks he doled out.

“Kiss neck.” The guy who had just pulled out a block looked over at their team. He was the slender blonde Shane had noticed earlier, was still naked and cross-legged, his cock half hard while he glanced at each of their team. “Hi.” His eyes stopped on Shane. “Charlie.” He reached out a hand. Shane leaned over to shake it, introducing himself. The guy was even cuter close up, maybe twenty-five and with dark blue eyes. “You up for it, Shane?”

“Erm...” He glanced over at Kian, who was watching intently over a bitten lip. It was one of his favourite things, having his neck kissed, which Kian had used to his advantage on more than one occasion. “Babe?”

Kian stared at him, stared at the other boy, his eyes muddled. Then, slowly, he nodded. Shane nodded back. Okay.

He shivered as Charlie leant in with a cheeky smirk, lips pressing behind his ear. Teeth scraped gently, and he looked over, meeting clear blue eyes that were darkening a little as he watched, the jealousy he'd expected seemingly not there. He watched Kian swallow, watched a tongue come out to wet parted lips, felt another pair of lips trail down his throat, suck slowly on his adam's apple, a tongue flicking against it. He moaned, couldn't help himself, saw Kian hiss in a slow breath watching him, biting his lip.

“Time.” Will called. Charlie pulled away with a last lick at his collarbone.

“Nice meeting you.” He winked before going back to his spot. Shane watched, trying to ignore the fact that he was starting to fill out the front of the robe. He met Kian's eyes again, saw the gaze flick to his lap, then back up, loaded with hunger. A few second later a black guy with long dreadlocks was choosing Charlie for himself, his tongue teasing the younger lad's navel with a pink, pointed tongue.

On his turn Kian slid his block out with a careful hand, chewing on his lip when it caught slightly. Stopped. It came free when he pushed from behind, clattering onto the wooden floor. He picked it up.

“Suck cock.” He read out. There was a general round of cheers. He laughed, looking over at Shane. “Ehm...” His gaze drifted though. Shane looked over. Saw it was fixed on Robbie. Looked back at Kian, who blushed.

“Ki?”

“Yeah?” Kian replied, looking nervous. Shane smiled. This was probably good. This was shifting focus, getting Kian out of his comfort zone and making him spend attention on someone who wasn't Shane for once. A bit of fun. Fuck it, he knew Kian wasn't going anywhere.

“Go for it, babe.” He winked. Saw Kian's mouth open slightly in surprise.

“Really?”

“Seriously.” He nodded. “All yours.”

Kian swallowed, stared at him for a long moment. Then his eyes drifted.

“Okay.” He breathed. “Robbie?” The older guy looked over. “Can I suck your dick?”

He seemed pretty happy about that, was shuffling closer, tugging at his boxers to reveal that... rather impressive cock. Holy shit. Kian licked his lips, bending closer, and as Shane watched his tongue flicked out, ran around the head. It was mostly soft, but as Kian bent lower, wrapped his lips around the tip he saw Robbie shudder slightly, run his hand up the back of Shane's boyfriend's neck.

“Yeah...” He mumbled. Kian was good at this, but this was more mouthful than he was used to. He only got halfway down, pulled off to lick down the side, back up the other.

Shane watched, saw his tongue caress it, saw it harden against his lips. Saw eyes glance up to take in the shape of the man above him, then look over at Shane like he was searching. For approval, maybe, or something like it, but fuck, Shane could feel himself hardening, wanted to go over there and shove his cock deep into that perfect arse, wanted to fuck Kian while he had fun, while he was this gorgeous boy that was doing something he wanted to do. Something so totally basic and without the worries and responsibilities that always seemed to be weighing him down. Doing something selfish and enthusiastic and fucking... being himself for a change. Not Shane's minder or a reluctant adult, or a scared, angry child. Just Kian.

“I'm out.” He announced quietly, crawling across the floor. Saw Kian look over, questioning, then settled behind him, ran a hand up inside his robe, palming over a perfect round cheek. Bent, ducked underneath and ran his tongue up, pushed it inside. Felt a shudder, heard a choked groan.

“Time.” Luke said uselessly. He heard Robbie moan. “Seriously; time. Lads...” There was a laugh. “Whatever. Harry, it's your turn.”

With a last lick Shane pulled away, sat up. Leant forward to mould himself to a strong back and ran his tongue up Kian's neck.

“I'm gonna fuck you.” He murmured, heard a tortured hiss in reply. Glanced up at Robbie. “You wanna go upstairs?” The bigger guy nodded. Shane nodded back, taking Kian's hand and yanking him to his feet. Kian stumbled against him, so Shane caught him, sucked him into a kiss, ground against the hardness he could feel. Heard a moan.

“You sure?” Kian managed, his voice thick with lust. Shane nodded, tugging him towards the stairs.

 

*

 

It was... Kian didn't even know where to start with how it was. All he knew was Robbie was making low moans and that was... fuck, that was great. He'd never done this to anyone else. Anyone but Shane. Had almost felt a bit worried that it wouldn't translate to other people, that maybe he wasn't that good and Shane didn't know any better, but fuck... there were fingers stroking the back of his neck, twitching slightly when he found a good spot and this really was a gorgeous cock. Salty and leaking on his tongue, filling his mouth to the point of suffocation while fingers twisted inside him, preparing him fast and hard.

“That's it, babe...” Shane was murmuring in his ear. “Suck it. God, he loves it. Your hot fucking mouth.” Kian shuddered, closed his eyes, heard a gasping groan when he sank lower, his fingers finding balls that felt full and tight in his hand. And all he could see behind his closed eyelids was that boy, that pretty fucking boy Shane had fancied licking up his boyfriend's throat while brown eyes had locked on him, want and love and sex radiating from him like a beacon and Jesus Christ, this cock was really big.

He felt blunt flesh nudge him, hard and full, pulse throbbing against him while it circled the edge then began to push in, slippery with lube and sliding where the condom was a little loose around the head, and then oh god, oh, he was full from both ends and a hand was wrapping around his cock.

“Fuck...” He heard Robbie groan. Glanced up at eyes that were rolling back. He wasn't close yet, but was getting there. “That's it...” Kian kept up the rhythm, bobbing faster, sucking tight until the sound of his own slurping filled the air. Felt Shane draw back then push forward, going so slow it was torture. He whimpered, tried to say something. Felt kisses mouth to his shoulders.

He heard the clatter of Jenga blocks hitting the floor downstairs, a round of jeers and applause. Heard Shane laugh slightly while he pulled back, emptying him, then driving forward to fill the space. He cried out around his mouthful, felt himself twitch in Shane's hand. Felt fingers slide through his hair while he went down on some guy who wasn't Shane. Would never be Shane. Would never be anything but a cock in his mouth and bit of stupid fun. Because they were fine. They were perfect. Nothing could come between them, not even this.

“Love you.” Was blurted in his ear. He whined a response, sucked lower until he almost gagged, felt the taste change in his mouth, the first warning spurts of bitter fluid, of slickness on his tongue. Wrapped his hand around the base and jerked in rhythm with the slow slaps of Shane's thighs on his arse.

“Close.” Robbie muttered. Kian pulled off, hand taking over, and a second later got a faceful of hot cum that splashed from a hard, dark cock, his tongue sliding up and down the shaft while Shane picked up the pace and the man above him swore, thumb running over Kian's lip while cum dripped down his chin.

“So fucking sexy.” Shane muttered. He pulled out and a second later Kian was rolled onto his back, legs yanked up while Shane slammed back in. Kian's head went back on a desperate shout, the feeling too much, especially when Robbie ducked and took in his cock, mouthing down to the root and back up, bobbing in time with Shane's thrusts which were coming harder and faster, targeting effortlessly while wet pressure teased him.

“Fucking hell...” Kian panted, feeling thoroughly wrecked, feeling like there was no way he could keep this going, but Shane was watching him, eyes pulling him apart and he couldn't. Couldn't. Couldn't. “Oh... _yes!”_ He cried out. Twisted his fingers through hair and thrust up, seeking out the climax he knew was circling.

“I fucking love you.” Shane gasped. “Christ I fucking love you.”

“Shay... love...” His head went back again, eyes closed while vibrations shook him, hummed up through that wet heat taking him in. “You... love... _fuck..._ ” He cried out again, felt it hit. Felt Robbie take it. Felt Shane shove into him hard then jerk, yelping out his own orgasm, fingers digging bruises into Kian's thighs while his boyfriend gasped out his name.

The mouth left him, Robbie wiping his lips quickly on his arm and giving him a grin while he stood on slightly shaky legs. Shane was holding him still, head bowed and hair dripping sweat. The older man ran a hand through his hair, winking.

“Cheers.” He winked. “See ya downstairs.”

He disappeared. A hand ran up his chest, palming over his racing heart. Shane smiled at him.

Kian looked up at the ceiling and then, when a head of dark hair settled in his neck, began to laugh.


	19. Epilogue

Shane stood against the rail, watching while a mop of blonde hair wove its way carefully through the dancefloor below and began to climb the nearby stairs. A minute later a drink was pressed into his hand.

“Thanks.” He took a sip, reached out an arm to wrap around a waist that seemed to fit his grip perfectly. Lips pressed to his cheek. “You look really hot tonight.”

“I know.” Kian shrugged. Shane laughed, turning to meet soft, full lips that smiled against his kiss. A nose rubbed his when he pulled away. “Thanks for bringing me out tonight. I needed a break.”

“Of course.” The last few weeks had been stressful for both of them. Exams had just started and with the move happening right in the middle of revisions week they'd barely had a moment to sleep. They'd found a smaller, cheaper place a few weeks before, had moved into a basic two-bedroom flat that they were sharing with a lad that Kian played football with on weekends. He was a nice enough guy, seemed pretty chilled out, but it was a hard time to do it while they were trying to study.

Kian was going home to visit his family for a couple of days before Christmas. Shane had insisted despite Kian's hesitation. He hadn't seen them since April, when they'd come down to surprise him for his eighteenth birthday. Shane had gone to the door, said his other present was just outside, and Kian had burst into tears when his mother had walked in and hugged him, his dad not too far behind.

But Shane had said he would be fine and Kian believed him, which was liberating all in itself. And he would be. He'd miss Kian like crazy, but then his boyfriend would come back home, settle into his arms again, exactly where he was meant to be. Just like always.

“I love you.” He said quietly. Got a bright smile.

“Good.” Kian grinned, moving in front and tugging Shane's arms around his waist from behind. “I saw a really cute boy.”

“Did you?”

“Yeah.” Kian leaned forward slightly, scanning the dance floor. Then he pointed. “There.” Shane looked. “Dark hair, pretty, black tee...” Shane saw him. “Your type?”

“Definitely.” Shane laughed. “What are you thinking?”

“I'm thinking I can have him before you do.” Kian smirked. Fingers linked with Shane's. “Fancy a game?”

“First one to get his number?”

“First one to suck him off in the toilets.” Kian snorted. “Then when we get home the winner gets a prize.”

“What does the winner get?”

“Whatever the winner wants.” Kian turned around, arms looping around Shane's shoulders. Shane pecked a perfect nose. “If I win, I'm going to have you tie me to the bed while you sit on my cock.” Breath rushed over his ear, hot and damp. Will you do that for me, baby? If I suck him?”

“Mmm... yes...” Shane agreed while he felt his body react, a hard groin shimmying slowly against him. “But if I win I get to sixty-nine you. Fuck your face and finger you while you gag me with your cock.” He heard Kian moan. “If I blow him, that's what I want.”

“Sounds good.” A hand slipped into his. They shook. Kian laughed. They played this game a lot. They were still strapped, so hitting on lads was a good way to get a couple of free drinks if they were lucky, as well as being a hell of a lot of fun. Kian had been much better the last year, had been able to disengage a little. This was good for them in an odd way, took them out of that intense little bubble they were always in, the one that had seemed to be getting more stretched with tension. He liked seeing that look in Kian's eyes, feeling a hug that was sure instead of grasping, the one that said he knew Shane was here to stay, no matter what.

And the sex was pretty fantastic.

It wasn't even that he wanted to fuck other people, necessarily, he just liked the way Kian was when they fucked other people. That sweet, hesitant smile over some random lad's shoulder that wanted his approval first. The raised drink when Shane glanced over from the dancefloor to check that things were still cool, that the lad grinding against him was up to Kian's standards. The hand on his arse while Kian drew him into a slow kiss.

He broke it, nuzzled into a soft cheek.

“You're totally my favourite thing.” Kian murmured. Shane held him a little tighter. “It's almost Christmas. What do you want?”

“You.” Shane replied, feeling a kiss brush his ear. “Just you.”

 

*

 

Arms wrapped around him from behind. Shane had only been gone ten minutes. The guy Kian had picked was stumbling out of the toilets, looking slightly dazed while he did up his jeans. “Give me a sip of that...” He snagged Kian's drink, took a mouthful. “Cheers.”

“Spunk mouth?”

“Spunk mouth.” Shane laughed. “Thought I got away in time, but then... nope, I was swallowing. Hi.”

“Hi.” Kian chuckled, digging in his pocket. He handed Shane a piece of gum. “There ya go.”

“Where would I be without you?”

“Wanking on your own?”

“Definitely.” Shane chewed twice, then smiled, leaning in for a kiss. “So... sixty nine, yeah?”

“I guess so.” Kian winked. “Winner's choice. How was it?”

“It was okay.” Shane nodded. “Smaller than I expected, but nice enough.” A kiss touched the back of his neck. “I'm really hard now.” He murmured. Kian shivered when he felt it grind into his back. “He kept making these cute little noises like when I finger you, and now that's all I want to do.” A tongue tickled behind his ear, a little tingly with the peppermint gum. “You want to head off?”

“Soon.” Kian teased, turning in the embrace. He was hard too. It was weird how easy this had turned out to be. They'd fucked a couple of people together, then after a while they'd been mucking about and both looked at two different people in a club, had had no interest in the object of the other's lust and figured what the hell. Had ended up bottoming in adjacent toilet stalls, Kian bent against the cistern and listening to Shane getting fucked next door, the echoes of the bathroom tiles making his moans sound like they were almost in his ear.

He ground slowly against Shane, remembering the stunned look on Shane's face when he'd staggered out of stall and into his arms, falling against him like he always had.

“I love you.” He heard a pleased purr in response. Smiled. Fingers tightened on his back.

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For loving me.” Shane said quietly. Kian hugged him, felt tears sting his eyes. “I couldn't have gotten this far without you.”

“Shay...” Shane had been better. Once Kian had started to let go a bit things had settled. He still couldn't believe how ridiculous he'd been then, how overbearing, but Shane was okay as long as Kian could just step back and let him get on with it, let him find what made him happy on his own terms. He'd catch him, on occasion, on holidays and birthdays and sometimes just because, sitting quietly on his own and looking a little bit lost, but Kian would just sit down beside him, ask if there was anything he could do, and know that if there was Shane would tell him. “You've always got me.”

“I know.” Shane smiled, pulled back. Fingers slid into his hair, brown eyes meeting his and overflowing with love. “I'm not going anywhere.”


End file.
